Dear Future Hubby,
Please don’t be a pseudo-boyfriend. Well, if you were one, you probably aren’t Future Hubby anyway.
Before or after the early bird special at Denny's?
You may not know exactly what a pseudo boyfriend is, but you’ve definitely seen one. They are the guy that acts and looks like they are dating a girl, but in actuality, they aren’t. They are doing everything to make it seem like they are a boyfriend, but when the topic comes up or someone ask if they are dating, the answer is of course no. Nevermind the fact that every single thing they do or say indicates otherwise. It’s confusing as all hell and definitely annoying for girls like me who are looking for Future Hubby. I’ve spent tons of time trying to figure out why the hell guys do this. It can range from commitment phobias to wanting to keep their options open to who the hell knows. I’ve also discovered that there are three different types of pseudo-boyfriends, all of which, you should avoid being.
The Emotional Pseudo-Boyfriend
This is the guy that you are dating mentally and emotionally. He’s the type of guys that just “gets” you. You call each other “babe” and “hun” while talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning. He calls you when he has tough life decisions to make and wants your opinion. Wait, you’re asking me if you should take a job out of town that will mean we don’t see each other for six months? Isn’t that more of a question for a real girlfriend and not someone you’re just a pseudo-boyfriend to? He invites you to parties as his “plus one,” he takes you out to dinner, you spend more time at each other houses than you do at your own. Plus the icing on the cake is when one of his friends, which you have just met five minutes earlier, asks you point blank “are you guys fucking?” and then proceeds to bring it up all night after witnesses your banter and boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. Everything about the relationship is screaming “we’re dating” except that he won’t just get it over with and kiss you.
The “Friends with Benefits/No Strings Attached” Pseudo-Boyfriend
This is the guy that calls you at 11 PM and wants you to come over. Yes, you’ve just been booty called. He’s the guy that calls you while walking home from the bar and instead of going to his place, comes over to your place. In public, he’s just another one of your guy friends that you can play flip cup with till the cows come home, but put you two alone in a room together and you’ve got yourselves a party. He has no idea what your allergic to or how you always sob at the end of Rudy, but when does that matter at all when it comes to a quick hook up?
The Double Threat
This is the guy that combines the best of both pseudo-boyfriend worlds. He’s the double threat, being both the emotional pseudo-bf with a dash of friends of benefits thrown in for fun. He’s the guy that not only knows everything about you, but is a damn good kisser as well. You guys plan your lives around each other. You pick out apartments across the hall from one another so you can be closer to each other. You coordinate your work/school/life schedules to coincide with one another as much as possible. You’ve watched the sun rise together because you’ve stayed up so late talking. You pick each other up from the airport, you spend holidays together, you’ve met each other parents. You even fight like you’re dating. If a fight in the Wendy’s parking lot followed by someone walking home because they are so mad doesn’t scream “we’re dating!” then what does? He writes you poems and leaves them on your voice mail. He gives you presents and flowers when he’s trying to make up for doing something stupid. He likes spending the night at your place more than he does at his own place. But at the end of the day, he leaves himself open for options. You guys can go periods of time (like all of junior year of college) while either of you goes off to date someone else, but you guys always come back to one another, except never with a “real” relationship to show for it. Just a “whenever it’s convenient” relationship. The only sweet vindication for this is when he comes to you two years later when he’s actually gone and made someone else officially his girlfriend and says “I really screwed up with us. I had my chance and I fucked it up.” Me – 1, Him – 0.
Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to deal with each and every one of these only to learn that regardless of how you act with them or how much you pray that they’ll be different, they are 99.9% never going to change and become an actual boyfriend. There is an underlying reason as to why they won’t just make it official, whether you ever figure it out or not.
If I ever see you slipping into any of the above a categories, you better as hell believe I’m speaking up. I should have spoken up when dealing with all of the above, but sometimes you have to make a mistake to keep learn not to make it in the future. All of the above just end up in someone getting hurt and what is the fun in that? Relationships, while hard, are supposed to be fun too. There is no fun in watching your pseudo-boyfriend go and flirt with another girl, even if you’re with a “friends with benefits” pseudo-bf. If you want to be considered Future Hubby material, you’re actually going to have to be my boyfriend first.
Xo,
Your Future Wife
