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Wedding Dress Wars: Royal Wedding Style

29 Apr

Dear Future Hubby,

Kate Middleton TOTALLY stole my wedding dress.

I couldn't have designed a more perfect dress

Remember that time that I finally (after years of school girl crush denial) accepted the fact that you were NOT Prince William and I was NOT going to marry him? Remember how I had gladly accepted Kate Middleton (cause let’s be real, she’s gorgeous and classy)? Well, after waking up in the middle of the night to watch the Royal Wedding (like all of the other girls who grew up hoping one day they’d marry Prince William) I started to reconsider my willingness to give up Wills to Kate. Kate had TOTALLY stolen my wedding dress!

Let’s rewind a little here. Back to when I was six and my fascination with the Royal family started after I was cast at Queen Victoria in the school play. I got to wear a purple velvet dress. It was the fanciest thing I had ever seen in my super long six year existence.  Clearly being a perfectionist, I HAD to do research on the Royals which led me to sitting in front of a TV, watch Charles and Diana’s wedding from ’81 on a VHS. From there, a fascination was born. It was beautiful. It was regal. It was a fairytale. It was a fairytale that was always fun to dream about.  Yes, I’m not really THAT delusional that I ACTUALLY thought I’d marry Prince William, but as a little girl, it was a nice fairytale to believe in. I couldn’t be happier with William’s choice in Kate, but when she stepped out of that car in front of Westminster today, I couldn’t help in my half asleep state but say “Dude, bitch TOTALLY stole my dress!”

I wouldn't mind this dress either

As I have made perfectly clear on this blog, I heart Grace Kelly like WHOA! She is a fashion icon to me and ever since I first saw her wedding dress, I knew that I wanted my wedding dress to be similar to hers.  I’ve even blogged about it before. The lace bodice. The A-Line skirt. The train. Plus, after spotting a Watters dress in a bridal magazine I happened to be flipping through a few months back, even stumbled upon the best modern day creation (without have to design my own dress) that I thought would best suit the Grace Kelly look.

That was until Kate stepped out of her car this morning and I immediately went “That’s my dress.” Now, I know it’s not MY dress. It’s Kate dress that Sarah Burton designed which is vaguely reminiscent of Grace Kelly’s dress. And the fact that Kate has worn this Alexander McQueen dress means that if when I do get married, I may be able to get a pretty decent knock off of the dress (if I can’t afford to have Sarah Burton come design me my own dress). I guess I really should be thanking Kate for that. If I have to go and see my dream wedding dress on someone else, I’m at least glad it was her. She rocked that dress (plus the one she wore to the reception tonight) and looked like a perfect fairytale princess. The kind all of us girls dreamed of being while growing up.

At the end of the day, at least they didn’t get married in Ireland and steal my entire idea of Gaelic Gala. We just better hurry up and get married before they go and decide to renew their wedding vows and steal that whole concept as well. I already lost a perfectly good Future Hubby and a wedding dress to her. I’m not losing a venue and event plan as well.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Overly emotional about being unemotional

12 Apr

Dear Future Hubby,

Wanted: One Heart

I cry.  I scream. I yell. I get ridiculously passionate about topics of conversation I’m interested in. I jump up and down when overly excited. I am a pretty emotional person. That being said, if you don’t think that you can handle said emotions, I think it’s best that you go and find a brick wall to date.  If you can’t handle my jumping up and down every once and a while, it’s probably best to take your unemotional self and take that brick wall out for a night of staring into each others eyes and talking about nothing.

Last night, as I stopped on my way home from work to grab some groceries, I found myself in line behind a couple who seemed to be in the midst of a heated discussion. While I was too busy looking at the headlines on the tabloids to actually know what they were discussing, my ears perked up when the guy said to the girl “I just can’t date someone who is emotional.”  Hold the phone. Are you for reals, Kenny Chesney? You’re dating a girl. Girls, no offense to us, we tend to be emotional, especially more so than guys. But for him to say he didn’t want to date someone who is emotional, I couldn’t help but laugh. Clearly the girl found this just as amusing as I did as she laughed her head off, much like I was doing in my head. Newsflash. Pretty much any person in life is going to having some emotions from time to time. Last time I checked, we aren’t robots. Yet.

So, FH, if you can handle emotions, but only in small doses, please be advised that the below list (along with sooooooo many other things) will cause some emotion (sad or happy) to come out of me. Better run for the hills or proceed with caution if you find me doing any of the following:

Insert tears. They finally let him play!!!

  • Watching the end of Rudy or Once. Tears will be shed.
  • Listening to Girl Talk. I may fling my arm in excitement while dancing around and give you a broken nose.
  • Watching any episode of Friday Night Lights. Five words for you. Season Three. Riggins. Cleats. Field. Annnnnd cue sobbing.
  • Being asked to recall the dance steps to any Britney Spears of ‘N SYNC song from high school. Yeah, I can still remember that shit and yes, I just admitted that.
  • Listening to any song from Les Miserables. Especially One Day More. Especially if it’s this version. Minus the Jonas Brother.
  • Watching Alex Day read Twilight. Two emotions at once. Crying because I’m laughing so hard.
  • Having people tell me they loved movies I’ve worked my ass off on. Animated, excited, giddy, proud. There are too many emotions to list.
  • Having anyone sing Rebecca Black. This is my new anger inducing pet peeve. Rage blackouts are forthcoming.

So consider this your warning. If you are like Mr. Grocery Store Emotion-phobe, it’s probably best that you find someone else to date. Perhaps a nice brick wall or mannequin from Sears would be willing to take on you and emotionless baggage. I’m not really quite sure you’re ready to deal with another human being if you don’t like emotion. Girlfriend or not, any person you interact with is going to have some emotion. I’d prefer that anyone I interact with, date, and perhaps one day marry not only accept me for my extensive array of emotions, but can also emote something themselves. Just skip the rage blackouts, please.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

 

Tone down the texting

30 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

If you’re not interested, don’t text me back. I’m a big girl. I can take a hint. I’ll get it. No text back equals you not being interested. Every girl has been there. Every girl knows that what it means.  So why keep texting me back if you’re not interested, not going to make a move, and have no interest in pursuing anything further than our brief random chance meeting?

Yeah, this is going to stop now, kthnxbye

I’ve been holding off an discussing this for fear of jinxing myself in case something actually DID develop from all this but as a month or so has now gone by, I feel it is time to make this legit blog material. I recently met a guy. Code Name? Hometown Hottie. I met HH at a bar a few weeks back and not going to lie, we hit it off, talking most of the night about how we’re both from the same town (hence the code name), movies, the effect of social networking on the world, deep shit, clearly. Plus, the icing on the cake for me was when he told me his favorite sport is tennis, just like me. Dude. No ones favorite sport is tennis unless you play it or you grew up with a crush on Andy Roddick.  Clearly, he was a winner. Numbers exchanged, but when I left, I had a sneaking suspicion I’d never hear from him again.

Apparently, my gut instinct on that was wrong. Cut to 2 AM and I’m getting ready for bed when my phone goes off. Right off the bat, I thought it was one of my friends texting to make sure I got home ok, but oh no. It was HH telling me it was nice to meet me and he wanted to see e again some time. This then started a 2 hour texting session where he proceeded to tell me he liked me (ditto!), he wanted to see me again (ditto!), he had thought about kissing me at the bar (I’m not one to object), etc. I can’t even remember what time I finally fell asleep.

Four days later and there had been no word from HH. So, being the strong, independent woman that I am, I text him and low an behold he texts me back. Insert another hour long texting conversation about nothing overly spectacular except the fact that he didn’t take the bait I dangled out there to see if he’d ask me to do something over the week. But why would he text me back if he didn’t have any interest? This occasional texting continued over the next couple of weeks or so until finally dying off over a week ago because dude, I have better shit to do than text with you while waiting to see if you’re going to want to get together again. If the first text was a courtesy text, great, I appreciate it, but you don’t have to keep carrying on a conversation with me. It’s a nice gesture but complete unnecessary. You don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings. Like I said before, I’m a big girl. I can handle the disappointment.

I refuse to wear one of these unless you buy me a drink

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but grow some balls and just blow me off. I’m okay with it. I’d rather be blown off than strung along thinking “Wait, but what about all that shit you said the night we met?” If you’re busy, I get it, but just say so. If you’re not interested, just say so or again, don’t say anything at all.  I have no problem walking away as evident by the fact that it’s been over a week since we last texted and I’m completely over it.

So please take this as a friendly reminder. If you get my number and actually text me, please make sure you’re interested. Please don’t tell me you like me or want to see me again or that you thought about kissing me. I’ve learned after 27 years not to get my hopes up too much, but like any girl who hears things like that, hopes gets raised just a little. And if I’m going to go so far as to raise my hopes even a little, than something at least better come of this other than being a serious time suck and contributing to my eventual on set of carpal tunnel or Blackberry thumb.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Well, color me Claddagh!

17 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

Well Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Future Hubby! Oh, you didn’t know it was St. Patrick’s Day? Oh. Well, then I’m not sure we can be together. Oh you did know? But only because this day gives you an excuse to drink heavily during the work week? Ok, you’re back in my good graces. In case you didn’t know, I’m Irish (and also Italian, but there really isn’t a major holiday dedicate to any Italian saints that let you drink heavily and eat tons of pasta). I love any and all things Irish, as if this wan’t already evident by my extremely detailed description of Gaelic Gala. Irish music, Irish booze, Irish food, Irish movies, the whole freaking country of Ireland. I love it all, including Irish traditions.

Check out that Irish bling

But just because I love Irish tradtions, do not mistake this for me being married.

Yeah. That’s right. Being married. A while back one of my co-workers was like “Are you married?” Dude. You’ve known me for a year. Have I ever once mentioned a husband? No. I haven’t.  But then he cited that I was wearing a ring which of course prompted me to launch into a whole story about the Claddagh ring, it’s history, and it’s meaning when worn certain ways, even though I was apparently wearing my ring totally wrong.

I admitted it. I was wrong. Me, who loves any and all things Irish was wrong about the symbolism of wearing the Claddagh ring a certain way. For those of you who don’t know, the Claddagh ring is a traditional Irish ring of love, sometimes worn as a wedding ring. I have owned and worn a claddagh since my freshman year of college and have always been under the impression that it is always worn on the left ring finger, regardless of status. Depending upon whether you were taken or single, it was worn a different way. I thought if you were single, you wore it with the crown facing your heart and if you were taken, you wore it with the crown outward. Please note that after researching the ring in depth for this post, I realized I’m not exactly the best Irish person as everything I’ve read tells me that I’m wrong.  Plus for a few years I was actually wearing my old Claddagh ring on my left hand middle finger because it was too big for my ring finger. Irish fail in the biggest sense. Oh well. At least today I’m wearing a green shirt, gold Converses and listened to Gaelic Storm while driving to work. I hope that earns me back some Irish points.

Even though there are apparently several different variations and perhaps the way I have been wearing it is out there somewhere, the one that I’ve come across the most is the following:

Success. Ring is finally on the correct hand and finger. Please note my festive green nail polish.

Left hand, ring finger: Married or engaged or committed to another person for life

Right hand, ring finger with heart pointing toward the finger tip: Single and ready to mingle

Right hand, ring finger with the ring turned around: Romantically involved but have yet to take the plunge

So, now that we have that all straightened out, please be well aware that I will no longer be giving off a visual sign via my ring that I am married or engaged. I am now wearing it on the correct finger in the correct way. I only wish I had thought about looking this up earlier as who knows how many guys have looked at me, seen my ring, and thought I was taken. As if I couldn’t worsen my karma in the love department anymore, I apparently have. Out of all the shit I randomly wikipedia, I couldn’t have one day thought to wikipedia that? Nope. I’m too busy wearing the ring on the wrong finger and potentially scaring away guys. Unless you’re one of those guys that didn’t know it was St. Patrick’s Day. In which case, please wear a sign stating you are oblivious to the holiday and I will gladly switch my ring to the wrong finger so you don’t get any ideas about you and me. Knowing St. Patrick’s Day is about as important as knowing my birthday.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Falling for a friend

3 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

Don’t freak out when I throw this idea out there, but…what if you’re one of my friends? Gasp. Shock. Horror. Oh my god. Okay. You doing alright there now. Blood pressure returning to normal? Okay, good. Now, I know I’ve touched on this before with my Psychic prediction post, but last night I had dinner with one of girl friend, Bama, and  we spent a good majority of the meal discussing boys or my lack there of and how at present  (oh dear god, yes I’m really admitting this) I might like someone, a new friend, within my group of extended group of friends. Insert facepalm moment. I actually wish I had just recorded our conversation at dinner and could transcribe it for this post because then I wouldn’t really have to write this at all. Our conversation was way funnier than this post could ever be. Believe me, this isn’t something I’m entirely thrilled about, as the thought of dating someone within my group of friends somewhat terrifies me. It has it’s benefits, but can come with some serious awkward turtle moments as well.

When you google images for "dating a friend" stuff like this comes up. Lame.

I prefer to date someone who is a friend, first and foremost, as if my utter hatred for okcupid and any online dating wasn’t enough to tip you off to this fact about me. I’ve been lucky that every relationship thus far in my life has stemmed from a friendships. Double Threat, I’m looking at you. But it always seems to be the best way to find someone who I know isn’t going to judge me. It allows me to date someone who I’m clearly already comfortable with, who I can talk to, who I can laugh with, who can understand my self-deprecation and sarcasm and vice versa. I like to know I’m getting into a relationship with someone who has seen me at my best, who has seen me through promotions, new jobs, growing up, becoming more mature, experiencing new life adventures, but who has also seen me at my worst. This includes, but is not limited to the following scenarios: being drunk, acting belligerent while being drunk, falling over, embarrassing myself in public, singing horrible songs at karaoke, seeing me with no makeup, sharing things I would never normally admit to someone I potentially wanted to have a relationship with,  crying, being far too emotional, etc.

Do you look this good in a trench coat?

Additionally,  if you are a friend, there are a lot of issues that need to be discussed be before we can even get into a relationship. First and foremost, if this doesn’t work out, we HAVE to remain friends. This is a nonstarter. If we are not mature enough to remain friends in the event that this doesn’t work, we should not date. I’m not going to force my entire group of friends to pick sides if we ever get in a huge fight and decide to break up. I personally love my group of friend and speaking from experience, losing them over a guy is not fun. At all. Trust me. Also, we’re not going to be one of those crazy PDA couples when hanging out with our friends. Why? Because I really don’t feel like making people vomit. I’m not that sick and twisted.

It’s the above issues that really make me think long and hard about liking someone within my group of friends, sometimes to the point where I really wish I didn’t. Cue major internal conflict. This is why I’ve been trying to do the whole online dating thing because heaven forbid you are in my group of friends and we start dating, all hell might break out if we don’t work out. This being said, don’t expect me to make some sort of grand gesture and let my feelings be known. I’m too worried about the potential bad ramifications of this. I’m not going to go all John Cusack on you and stand in front of your house with a boom box playing Peter Gabriel. However, if you feel you need to do that, go for it. I can totally jam along to In Your Eyes. In fact, that’s probably one of the songs you’ve seen me sing (horribly) at karaoke. so if you’re still standing there with the boom box after seeing that, maybe there is hope for this whole dating a friend thing after all.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Primping for a purpose

25 Feb

Dear Future Hubby,

I know you’re not psychic or anything. If you were, you would have figured out by now that we’re supposed to be together by consulting your brain, or a magic eight ball, or Dream phone or something.  But clearly you’re not and Dream Phone is just collecting dust in closet.  So since you’re not going to go all Ms. Cleo on me, but do me a favor. If you RSVP for a party, actually show up, because careful thought, planning, time, and money go into me getting ready to go to a party where you will be. Actually, just RSVP to begin with so I know right out of the gate if I need to make an effort.

This takes time and effort

Every girl will admit that if we are going out to a party or bar where we think a guy we like is going to be, we put way more effort into how we look. Taking another shower. Putting make up on. Putting contacts in if we wear glasses. Shaving our legs. Using fabulous smelling lotion as opposed to just the regular stuff. Busting out the best perfume we have. Straightening our hair. Standing in front of our closet for an absurd amount of time trying to determine what to wear. Changing said outfit when we decide it’s not good enough. Really, you can see how much planning goes into putting ourselves together if we think we’re going to see you.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going to a friends party when I realized that without even thinking about it, I was primping as if a boy I liked was going to be there. Ok, I’ll admit it. My Favorite Mistake was going to be there. Sure, he’s just a friend, but for some reason, any time I know he’s going to be some place I go, I tend to go through the Party Primping routine as if something is actually going to happen with us. Spoiler aleart: Nothing ever does and nothing ever will.

Regardless, there I was at the party, boozing it up, talking with friends, and MFM was no where insight.  Didn’t he know that I had spent at least an hour and a half getting ready between a bath, clothes, make up, hair, etc.? If he wasn’t going to be there, I could have just gone in my converse, jeans, and glasses and called it a day. Also, make up is expensive. I did not waste precious, valuable, expensive make up, applying it for a party that he apparently wasn’t going to show up to.  Clearly, my inner monologue over this must have gotten through to him some how because he finally did show up, so my efforts were not in total vain.  Thanks, MFM.

"He looks good in whatever he wears."

This goes both way though or ultimately backfires. What if I hadn’t taken the time to look presentable for some event and then you happen to show up. Something tells me you might be talking to the leggy blonde in the corner instead of me. Or I could simply be forgetful and totally forget that I may have an opportunity to see a crush. For example, woke up this morning and dressed weather appropriate which in southern California when it’s raining means jeans and Uggs. Add a blah top, a scarf, and my glasses, it’s a pretty ok outfit. It wasn’t until halfway to work that I remembered that I could potentially have a legit run in with one of my celeb crushes today. And not just a daydream “Oh wouldn’t it be great if whatshisname shows up in line behind me during lunch?” No. We’re talking more than 50% chance that I would run into him at work today. Clearly if I had remembered this, I would have put WAY more thought into outfit choice today.

So do me a favor. If you’re invited to a party or bar of social gathering of any type that I will be at, please RSVP so I know if I need to put in some serious effort. Or a text would be nice reminding me that I will be seeing you and should remember not to wear pajamas outside or just letting me know you’re TOTALLY looking forward to seeing me said social gathering. Because really…what guy wouldn’t be totally looking forward to seeing a girl who can reference Dream Phone and Ms. Cleo all in the same blog post?

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Happy Singles Awareness Day

14 Feb

Dear Future Hubby,

Hello there, fancy meeting you here. I’m back from my long overdue visit to the operating room of Cedars and what a better day to grace you with my presence once again than the most exciting holiday of the year. The day where all normal couples go out to dinner, shower each other with chocolates, flowers,  and Justin Bieber Valentine’s Day cards. The day every non-coupled up person in the world secretly hates and wishes February 13th would lead to February 15th. Happy Singles Awareness Day.

Where can I buy this in bulk?

I haven’t had a Valentine on Valentine’s Day for five years, so by now, I’m kind of used to not having to deal with the pressures of the holiday. Granted, the first year or two was utterly depressing and ended with a red wine induced phone call to Double Threat, but now I treat February 14th like any other day of the year. Go to work. Go home. Eat dinner. Go to bed. Get up the next day. Repeat.

However, if for some reason you want to make your long awaited appearance today, here is a list of places you may want to look for me today and a list of places I wouldn’t be caught dead.

If you’re looking for me, check out Sushi Dan. Sure, I’ll be surrounded by smitten couples, but I definitely have enough fab single friends to get together to go out for sushi. It gives us all a chance to discuss boys, “the one that got away,” which couple in the restaurant is going to win the PDA award of the evening, and how many of these girls forced their boyfriends into going out for the holiday.

If you’re looking for me, DON’T look for me at a bar. This past Friday night, a group of guys friends suggested I go out with them to a bar because “that’s where are the single girls will be” and I can be their wingwoman. Really guys? Really? You think this is what I want to do on my Valentine’s Day? Help you find some depressed, lonely, drunk girl? No thanks. I’ve all seen you guys get girls before. I’m sure you can do it again. And with the holiday, I’m sure those girls will be much more inclined to go home with you.

If you’re looking for me, check my office. I know it sounds pathetic, but work has been crazy busy lately and there’s a good chance that I may have to work late tonight. Sure, you are welcome to show up with take out from Sushi Dan, but if you go to my house looking for and I’m not there, this is the next best place to check.

Meet your new best friend

If you’re looking for me, DON’T look for me on my couch watching Pride & Prejudice or Bridget Jones’s Diary or any other chick flick that only helps to reinforce unrealistic expectations of love. Gossip Girl is on tonight and nothing says Valentine’s Day more than Blair being manipulative and Serena being boring.  No unrealistic expectations of love there. Unless you count “sleeping with every single person of the opposite sex in your group of friends” as an unrealistic expectation of love. Come to think of it…it is pretty unrealistic.

Please keep this all in mind when you decide to send me a gorgeous bouquet of flowers and declare your undying love. Or at least stop and buy a bouquet from one of those guys standing on the street corners that are there to help out every poor guy who has forgotten that it’s Valentine’s Day.  However, if you really just want to celebrate Valentine’s Day with me, you don’t need to get flowers, candy, or a Justin Bieber card. Save your money. Watching Gossip Girl with me on the couch and making me dinner is enough to show that you’re serious about making me stop calling February 14th Singles Awareness Day.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Probably shouldn’t play it cool

12 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

You’re going to have to make it crystal freaking clear if you like me because I’ve realized I suck at making it crystal freaking clear if I like you. This is clearly an issue. While I may find myself attracted to masters of the mixed signal (Premiere Pal, anyone?) am I perhaps also sending mixed signals, or even worse, no signal at all?

Stop playing it cool, you're getting flowers

As I was leaving work last night, I got a text from a newish male friend of mine, Geek Chic, asking if I had a book we had discussed last time we spoke and could I drop it off at his office on the way home. Lucky for me, I had exactly what he was looking for in my car and his office was right on my route home. We had been talking more and more lately, which like any single girl, led me to start to develop a minor crush on him, or at least entertain the possibility of a minor crush on him. I’ve been trying to decipher Geek since I was first introduced to him by a work friend and of course this includes the following: Is he single? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he gay? I still haven’t come up with answers to either question, but I’m still hoping answers will present themselves.

As I pulled out the book for him, I felt the butterflies, daydreamed about if this was just his ploy to ask me out for dinner or a drink, and how I would do my best to flirt with him when I handed over the book. What did I do? I failed. I completely utterly failed. I walked into his office, dropped off the book, acted as if it was no big deal, told him if he needed anything else to let me know, and then left. No extraneous conversation. No flirting. No nothing. I “played it cool” and just walked away after a whopping 15 second interaction. I didn’t even give myself a fighting chance. Please explain to me how on earth I’m supposed to find a boyfriend let alone a future hubby in this world if all seem to do is “play it cool”? 27 years of playing it cool hasn’t really gotten me anywhere so why do I keep doing it?

It’s not like this is a one time instance too. On the rest of the ride home, I thought about how I tend to do that with most of the guys I like in my life or even ones I just meet or see in passing. I once met a guy at the bar, really hit it off with him, talked for a couple of hours, but when he asked me if I was okay to drive home (which I was) or if I needed a ride, I said I was okay to drive myself. It wasn’t until a few days later that I though maybe had a responded differently, he would had asked for my number or to see me again. My playing it cool/being completely oblivious that he may be interested in more than just my safety getting home was lost on me. I also totally check out the hot guys in the Starbucks line every morning. But all I do is look. Would it kill me to smile? See if I get a smile back? It won’t kill me to be friendly and smile and who knows what a smile could lead to? At least it’s me putting myself out there with a smile that says “hello” but could also say “you look pretty good for 8 AM without having a cup of coffee.”

Actually, don't do something this stupid

Moral of the story. I suck at making my feelings or intentions known, so please keep this in mind when dealing with me Just trust me when I say I’m working on it. Hopefully the more comfortable with you I become, the easier it will be for me to NOT play it cool, to smile at you, to not walk away after 15 seconds, to flirt with back. But just in case, if you want to tattoo your feelings or intentions on your forehead first, that’d be greatly appreciate. Sure, it may hurt a little, but it’s probably less painful than watching me try and play it cool.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Too good to be true

6 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

Remember when I decided to take a break from online dating? Well, now that I’m back, giving it the old college try, I’m quickly being reminded why I took a break from it.

Why would Michael Owne be on a dating site? Oh wait...he's not.

When I finally decided to head back to the land of okcupid in December, I went right back into my usual online dating routine.  Add guys that seem interesting to my favorite’s list and wait and see if any of them responded. Apparently my profile picture is having some luck, as several did, but at the end of the day, none of my holiday coffee dates amounted to a love match. Bummer.

About a week and a half before the holiday, I stumbled across a profile for this guy who…well, seemed way too good to be true.  From his profile, he sounded amazing. Successful sports lawyer. Former athlete. Hobbies included attending sporting events and breeding horses. Sick of dating around. Ready to have a real relationship. Seriously, how could you not be intrigued by that? Plus, at least according to his photos, he was gorgeous. I did what I always do though and just added him to my favorites list, not really expecting to hear back cause let’s face it…even though I know I rock, I doubt I’d be anywhere near his league.

But I did hear from him though. The next day. And after a series of messages, I was more and more intrigued. He was Stanford educated so we bonded over the fact that we had both lived in Northern California, while I secretly jumped up and down over my luck of stumbling upon a Stanford educated lawyer who was hot. However, as our conversations went on and I felt them leading towards an eventual coffee date, things just weren’t adding up. Could I really be this lucky? How was this guy still single? A guy this gorgeous, with his shit so together? My skepticism was not helped my the fact that any time I looked at his photos, I felt like I was looking at a photo shoot or a guy who needed to be on an episode of The Bachelor.

Clearly if a guy uses this picture, he's a poser or a contestant on The Bachelor

JAA-Rule kept telling me that it was just finally my turn to have something good happen to me, but when Mr. Sports Lawyer starting mixing up his facts he had previously told me, I knew something was up. Thanks to this fab little celeb lookalike online tool, I was able to determine that not only was everything a sham, but dude had been using the photos of a redonkulously hot British soccer player, Michael Owen.

Well congrats Mr. (Fake) Sports Lawyer, you have reminded me why online dating creeps me out to begin with. You’ve really achieved the Creeper Award of the Year. I’m sure Chris Hansen will be around soon to chit chat with you.  Kudos on creating an intriguing profile and using photos of a guy that most normal Americans wouldn’t recognize. You actually had me believing you for about a week.  Sadly the only thing I gained out of this wasn’t a date, but instead another school girl crush on a celebrity. So really the congrats goes to you, Mr. Michael Owen of Manchester United. You and Tom Hiddleston can start a club on hot British celebs I have a crush on. Make sure you come up with some cool secret handshake.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Say no to New Year’s Eve plans

31 Dec

Dear Future Hubby,

With 2011 upon on, New Year’s Eve and it’s ever anticlimactic plans are as well.

I would so be that girl sitting at the table

There are very few holidays where I feel that it’s good to have a significant other around. A Future Hubby, a Future Wife, a plus one. Most holidays you can get by just fine without someone. Fourth of July, I only need to know how to successfully play flip cup and grill a burger. Halloween only requires skills in the costume making department. On Easter, I only need to have a strong stomach for all the Cadbury eggs and St. Patrick’s Day, just a strong liver. It’s Valentine’s Day and today, New Year’s Eve, where having you around might make the holiday a little better, a little more exciting, and let’s face it, a little less anticlimactic.

I have thus given up trying to make exciting New Year’s Eve plans. I could drive back to LA today and go to a couple of parties I’ve been invited to, but based off past experiences, they always end up a disappointment regardless of how big a party and how much alcohol is involved. The disappointment doesn’t come from the buzz wearing off or from having to pay and arm and a leg for bottle services at some club. For us single gals, the disappointment generally comes from the lack of someone to kiss at midnight.

I could go through with plans, go to a party, stand around while all the couples there kiss at midnight while secretly wishing my daydream to meet a handsome single stranger at the party had come true. Or that I had gotten wasted enough to try and kiss some random guy. Either scenario though sounds mildly depressing and makes me feel like I’ll wake up the next morning, ala Bridget Jones, and wind up at some turkey curry buffet, recounting my pathetic New Year’s plans to Colin Firth while wishing I could be lying with my head in a toilet (like all normal people). I’ll pass on that.

My dates for this New Year's Eve

I haven’t gone to a New Year’s party since 2007, instead finding that movies, dinner, and a low key celebration at home with a few friends has turned out to be a much more fun option. Not to say that when you do show up, I won’t drag you to some fab New Year’s party, pop open the champagne, and kiss you a midnight. I just think it’s better to avoid having the overexposed joys of New Year’s Eve coupledom shoved in my face at midnight, until we’re the ones shoving it in someone else’s face. I just hope it’s one of our sad, single exes.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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