Dear Future Hubby...

Perhaps pick up the phone?

semisocialite — Fri, 15 Jun 2012 19:14:29 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

Please let me interrupt your current game of Draw Something or Scramble with Friends to bring something to your attention. That contraption you are playing games on, texting on, facebooking on, depositing checks on can actually be used as a form of verbal communication. I know your mind has been completely blown, right? Back in the day when we were in middle school, carrying around pager, or gasp, even when our parents and grand parents were our age, telephones were used for one thing and one thing only. Talking to someone else. It’s a crazy concept I know, but maybe it’s something you should try and remember from time to time.

Want me to explain to you what this is?

I’ve been (un)fortunate enough that past two guys I’ve gotten semi-involved with have been so anit-calling that I firmly believe it partly led to the relationship going absolutely nowhere. When all you do is text with something, there is a level of personal connection and even a level of intimacy that is completely lost. There are some things and feelings that can really only be achieved by talking to someone, whether it’s on the phone or in person. I’ll hand it to Number 1, he actually made an effort to call a couple times, but as time went on, the less he called, the more he texted and soon enough, there was nothing left. Number 2 actually turned out to be just like Number 1, but on a whole different level. He wouldn’t even entertain the idea of talking on the phone. If I wasn’t seeing him in person, he would text me. That’s it. Nothing else.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally one of those people that would much rather text than talk on the phone simply because it’s just easier and less time consuming, but sometimes you just need to hear that person’s voice. Texting them day in and day out only solidifies one thing. You’re having a relationship with your phone, not a person. Sure, you may be talking to them every day, but you’re not really communicating with them. Texting keeps just one extra wall up between two people that sometimes works as a disadvantage. It takes away something personal about the conversation. Humor, sarcasm, intention, inflection, are all things that can be lost when texting is your only form of communication. Pretty soon, you’re in some massive fight because he didn’t get that you were trying to be sarcastic or you didn’t get that he really was just busy with work and not ignoring your text.

If Zack Morris can call, so can you

Two weeks ago, I went on what I’d actually say was the best first date I had been on in probably a year (sidenote: we never ended up going on a second date, but oh well) and before we went out, he called me. He actually picked up the phone, called me, and we sat on the phone talking to each other for an hour and a half just getting to know each other. Sure, I was nervous and terrified I’d stick my foot in my mouth, laugh awkwardly, or say the wrong thing, but there was something refreshing about having a guy call just to talk. While we never went on that second date, he definitely earned points in my book for being man enough to realize texting is not the only form of communication.

So do yourself a favor and pick up the phone every once and a while. We don’t have to talk for an hour and a half like Mr. Awesome First Date, but sometimes it’s nice just to hear the other’s person voice, know that they are there, and that they are paying attention to and connecting with you on a personal level, if only for a few minutes

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Don’t piss off the peanut gallery

semisocialite — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 22:16:50 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

If you want to win me over, the best way to do that would be to win my friends over first.

FYI We sit around at brunch talking about you like this

I find it fitting that I’m writing this entry as my BFF to the max, girl who is going to be my MOH whenever I find one of you worthy enough, KHiggers, is winging her way here to Los Angeles for a ridiculous weekend of day drinking at Disneyland, saying stupid shit, being girly, and of course, seeing The Hunger Games. We clearly have our priorities. She, along with my small group of super close friends, are probably the opinions I value the most, especially when it comes to guys.

Given my previously revealed rules about relationship jinxing, if I’m actually telling them about a guy, they know shit just got real and I must really like this dude. Therefore, they must immediately grill me for all information about him, request an introduction, and start determining if he is good enough or not. Given this, winning me over should not only be one of your goals, but if you mean enough to me that I’ve actually told them about you, well, you better step up your A game, not doing anything stupid, and work on wooing them as well

I’m one of those girls that definitely tends to think more with her heart than her head. It tends to get my in trouble sometimes, as I may not always think before acting, trust too easily, etc. But you know what? That’s ok because sometimes you just have to take a risk. And if it doesn’t work out, that’s what friends are for. To slap you upside the head when you’re being dumb, ridiculous, and crying over a guy in the Target parking lot while not remembering that your new mascara is not waterproof.

Last summer, I started casually dating this great guy. After realizing this was the first time in a while that I had actually LIKED someone (and liked him enough to not even mention him on this blog till now), I slowly started telling a small select group of friends about him. He was funny, he was smart, and most importantly, he “got me.” While most of my friends thought our relationship was adorable and that he really liked me, KHiggers didn’t like him from the start, mainly due to the fact that when I recounted our first date, she was appalled by some of his behavior and attitude towards me. Even though she is my BFF, I took the opinion with a grain of salt moving forward since everyone else seemed to think he was the cat’s pajamas just like I did. Next time this happens to me, someone please remind me to ALWAYS listen to KHiggers. Always. There is a reason the girl is my best friend.

Dinner parties = feeding you to the wolves

After a few months, things started to change. Crash, boom, bang, it just didn’t work out. No harm, no foul, relationships don’t work out all the time. But it was really interesting to see how all the points that KHiggers had made to begin with were some of the main reasons it just didn’t work out. It was also just hilarious to hear my friends who had at one point liked him, completely trash him and tell me I was better off without him. Clearly, that’s what real friends are for.

So FH, at the end of the day, you have to remember what you’re stepping into. I’ve known them a lot longer than I’ve known you. I trust them with my life and I know that they have my back. They will have no problem giving me their honest opinion of you (especially KHiggers) and if you do break my heart, get ready for them to start telling me (and probably you) that they think you’re a complete and total douchelord that should be dropped immediately.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Creating a breakup contingency plan

semisocialite — Tue, 28 Feb 2012 22:22:36 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

If we are to ever break up, we need to make sure there is a contingency plan put into place to determine who gets what. I’m not talking about who gets the china vs. who gets the dog, because let’s get real. I get both. I’m talking about a who gets what in terms of places in town, a sort of Luke vs Lorelai/pink vs. blue ribbon situation. Despite being a fan of some serious awkward turtle moments, I’ve never been a fan of confrontation. It makes me feel like a West Side Story rumble should be brewing complete with dance moves and snapping. So rather than determine who is going to be the Jets and who is going to be the Sharks, we better divvy up all the stomping grounds because in reality, those are more important than that china.

Let's avoid passing out ribbons

A few weeks ago, I went out to drinks at Bigfoot West with a friend after work (mmm Marshmallow drink) and while I was sitting there, I spotted someone across the bar that looked familiar. I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly. Was he some actor for a TV show? Was he a friend of a friend? Was he a crew member from one of the films I had worked on? After about 10 minutes or trying to figure it out, and having my friend scouring imdb, it came to me. It was that high functioning alcoholic I had gone out with at Mandrake last fall.

Of course he would be at a bar! He was a high function alcoholic after all. And yes, this was also the same guy I ran into while have brunch on my birthday in November. At Overland Cafe. Where they serve bottomless mimosas. Yeah. I know you’re not shocked. As if that brunch hadn’t been awkward enough, it was just my luck that he spotted me across the bar. Despite whatever amount of alcohol he had had on what was clearly another first date for him, the look on his face said he recognized me. Serious facepalm moment. Luckily, we had been there for a few drinks and were wrapping up, so the “trying to avoid looking at each other” scenario didn’t have to play out for too long. I’m not going to be putting up with that shit if we ever break up because let’s be honest. If seeing a guy I went on one date with was that awkward, I can only imagine what it would be if we’ve been seeing each other a while. So here’s the breakdown.

You can totally have the east side and downtown. Sure, there are some great places over there, but I’m not enough of a hipster to stake my claim on any place

Our breakup will not deprive me of this awesomness

east of Vine. However, I do call dibs on Dodger Stadium even though I loathe the Dodgers. But when The Giants come to town, our breakup will not deprive me of seeing Brian Wilson in really, really tight pants. I would like Culver City, Beverly Hills, and Century City too because you know my love for Cardio Barre, Nick’s, Overland Cafe, Bigfoot West, AMC and Landmark theaters, the good 24 Hour Fitness, and singing karaoke at Boardwalk 11. I’ll take the Baldwin Hills stairs and you can have Runyon. I’m less likely to fall and kill myself at Baldwin Hill. In terms of Santa Monica, I’m ok with splitting it because I don’t want to completely deprive you of the beach, so you can take North of Pico and I’ll take south of Pico. Sure, this means you don’t get to enjoy the great bars on Main but you get the 3rd Street Promenade and that three story Forever 21. I can’t believe I’m giving that up.

You can have most of West Hollywood except the Sushi Dan on Sunset and Cedars. Sorry. Find a new hospital because I don’t want to run into you while I’m going in to have blood drawn. I will give you the Arclight Hollywood and The Grove (until TopShop opens). Sure, I will miss all my random Jason Schwartzman sightings, but I can’t NOT give you a movie theater with reserved seating. I’m not that mean. In terms of other states and countries, well, we’ll need to discuss that on a case-by-case basis, but it’s safe to assume I get all of Northern California. Deal with it.

I know this may sound a little drastic, but you don’t want to be that guy at the bar who awkwardly sees his ex-girlfriend across the bar while he’s on a first date. Nor do I want to be that girl. As much as I love the Awkward Turtle (and the awesome hand motion that goes with it) sometimes it’s just better to pretend someone doesn’t exists anymore as opposed to running into them while you’re buying a bottle of red wine and chocolate ice cream at 9 PM on a Friday night and are clearly going home to hang out with your DVR.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Truthful tales of a talker

semisocialite — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:04 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

The only other reason for sarcasm

I like to talk. A lot. Probably a little too much if I’m talking about something I’m excited about. Or passionate about. Or my job. Get me talking about the latest celebrity gossip and you probably won’t get me to shut up for hours. Or today’s Oscar nominations? Yeah, I’d rather not continue to discuss my displeasure over the lack of nominations for Drive because it’s already been a very difficult and trying morning with that news. But oddly enough, for as much as I like to talk, and for as much as I fear I babble, it takes me a while to open about myself and my life.

Opening up about anything other than general pleasantries and mindless chit chat is about the same as breaking one of the three rules of jinxing. But hell, if you’ve already broken those, I guess this would be the unwritten fourth rule of jinxing. I always fear that opening up about my thoughts, my feelings, my life, my background, makes everything real. You can learn so much about a person from those things. Their fears. Their loves. Their weaknesses. Their hatreds. Their passions. Their faults. At the end of the day, what really just makes them tick and why they are the way they are. You expose all of those and you have nothing left to hide behind anymore. Everything is laid out on the table and the only thing you can think is “Oh my god, what if he knows all of this, thinks I’m crazy, and bolts.”

As terrifying as that may be, at some point you’re either going to have to do it or face being alone. At some point, there will be that one person where you end up sitting there, fighting internally with yourself because you know if you don’t let down those walls, you’ll lose them. And the pain and discomfort of losing them may just in fact be more terrifying than having to share your life story, share why you don’t get along with your father or your mother, why you are a workaholic, or what your biggest pet peeve is, etc.

It probably doesn’t help much that I’m ridiculously sarcastic and getting a non-sarcastic word in edgewise can be difficult. But at the end of the day, remember that the main reason for sarcasm is that it is a defense mechanism. The more sarcastic I am, the less I have to open up and talk about other things. The more I’m able to just skim the surface and hand out the sugar coated version. Newsflash. Nothing sugar coated is every real. There’s always more to the story, if you really want to take the time to find out about it.

So if you’re really interested, if you really care and want to get to know me, just ask. Act interested. Act like you care. The sooner you accomplish that, the sooner I’ll let my walls down and let you into my world, even if I’m still absolutely terrified and scared shitless to do so. If I didn’t deep down really want to let you in, I wouldn’t be on this merry-go-round in the first place.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Rules of Relationship Jinxing

semisocialite — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 01:18:19 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

Don't screw this up for me

You should probably be informed that I am very superstitious about relationships. Really, when it comes down to it, it just means I’m ridiculously pessimistic about them (despite being a hopeless romantic – I like to blame romantic comedies for that). I have a very hard time believing or trusting that anything good can happen to me relationship-wise. You can all go hate on Double Threat for causing that psychological issue. Go ahead. Go yell at him. I’ll wait.

Sure, every once a while, a guy comes along to prove my entire theory wrong, but every time something does go wrong, I tend to equate it to breaking one of three rules below. I call these the Rules of Relationship Jinxing. If I don’t want to jinx a relationship, I hold out as long as possible before breaking any of the three rules, because in my personal relationship history, I’ve discovered that breaking them just leads to disappointment.

1. Do NOT add a boy to your contacts to early in getting to know him. This is my major jinx rule because inevitably, it won’t work out and you have him sitting in your contacts as a reminder that it didn’t and you’re still single. By just leaving him a number in your text messages and recent call list, he’s a nameless person. I have added several guys to my contacts before I should have and by doing so, I totally jinxed any future chance with them. Case in point? I once added a guy to my contacts who seemed like a sure bet and less than 12 hours later, he texted to say he had to reschedule our date. Yeah. He never reschedule and I immediately took him out of my contacts.

2. Do NOT tell your friends about him. Again, this is just giving the universe a reason to say “fuck you” and screw you over in the relationship department. By telling my friends about a guy, you’re clearly invested in this relationship (or whatever it may be at that point) and you want your friends to be too. But what happens if it doesn’t work out? You not only have to live with the knowledge that if didn’t work out and possibly deal with your friends asking about him, bringing him up, and wondering (just like you are), why the hell you can’t just manage to have a normal relationship.

3. Do NOT tell you family about him. This is the last stronghold of the rules. This is way worse than telling your friends about a potential new guy because if you’re like me and single at 28, you’re already pressured enough by your family as to who you’re dating, when you’re getting married, etc. It’s bad enough that I have my 10 year old sister asking me when I’m getting married so she can be a bridesmaid. but having your parents or other family members ask on a continuous bases? Yeah. Nothing screams Christmas dinner fun more than being asked if I have a “hankering” for any boys. Side note: Don’t be friends with too many family members on Facebook, because then they’ll just ask you if every boy you’re pictured with is your new boyfriend. No, this is not 1955. I can have guys friends.

Get me to feel comfortable breaking one, two or hell, even all three of those rules means I must actually trust you and like you enough to risk being disappointed if and/or when it doesn’t work out. If you want any shot of being future hubby, this quite possibly might be your first test and one of the hardest. I definitely still have guys that I refuse to add to my contacts even after I’ve gone out with them several times.

Consider this your mission. And don’t do anything else to jinx our relationship in the meantime, cause shit, if you’re getting me to break all these rules I have, I don’t even want to know what it’s doing to my relationship karma.

Your Future Wife

Seriously, get your shit together

semisocialite — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 23:26:30 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m a pretty picky girl when it comes to the guys I date. You’ve got to really impress me or win me over to get me to even agree to go out for a drink or coffee with you. Sure, I may be limiting myself, but at the same time, I know what I want and I know who I’m going to be comfortable with. But no offense, if you still live with your parents, have never paid rent, and at the age of 28 are just now getting your first job, I’m going to go “Seriously? WTF?”.

Where do I even begin?

In early December, I had another first date (in the ever growing serious of odd/bad first dates) with someone who seemed like he could be a winner. Seemed nice, funny, was cute, etc. Cut to date night when I’m sitting at the coffee shop and we’re discussing what we do in our careers and no joke, this guy tells me he’s a funeral director. Now, it’s not necessarily a thing that would make me say no way to a second date (though I did have to bite my lip to keep from busting out laughing – especially since he was WAY to happy to be a funeral director) but it was the information that came out after that. Turns out, he was still living with his parents, and had never had to pay rent (boo hoo for you, life’s hard), had never had to get a job before the age of 28, and his parents still paid all his bills for him.

While it may not seem like a big deal to some people, the more I thought about it after I went home, the more it was a huge deal breaker for me. I realized for one of the first times that not everyone I go out with is going to be on the same life path as me and have a purpose and direction with their life. I had to start looking for someone who actually had some life experience, because honestly, that’s what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone who has some passion, some drive, some purpose, and knows how to be their own person. This guy still lived at home and had his parents pay for everything. I have been living on my own since I went to college at 17 and paying all of my own bills, including student loans, since I left college and went to grad school at 21. It blew my mind that this guy had never seen a credit card bill, let alone an electric or gas bill, in his entire life. This guy had never had to go through the horror of finding an apartment to rent. It was crazy that this guy didn’t get a job until he was 28 – not because he had to, but just because he was bored being at home during the day and having nothing to do with his life. Seriously, get a job or at least an interesting hobby.

I’m a very independent person and while this might scare off some guys, I do know there are guys out there that can appreciate a girl who can fend for herself, have her own life, her own friends, and just know how to get shit done. I’m not one of those girls that sits at home at night, waiting for her boyfriend to call her or text her. I’m not looking for a guy for my life to revolve around. I can appreciate and enjoy a guy who takes care of me but I’m looking for a guy who can fit into my life, and I can fit into his, given some compromises on both sides. Not to say I’m looking for someone who is the most independent person ever, but someone who has some life experience, knowledge, ambition, and focus would be great.

So please try and have your shit together. I know I’m picky, but I’m really not asking for much. Just had a steady job, some life experience, live on your own or with roommates (just not your parents), and make your own way in life. Hell, even if you’re a funeral director, as long as we connect and you’ve got your life together semi-together, you might just have a chance at a second date.

Your Future Wife

Constantly in communication

semisocialite — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 20:27:40 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

In a relationship, it’s always nice to have good communication. It’s always nice to stay in touch, even if it’s just a daily text, email, phone call, message via carrier piegeon. What isn’t nice though is text, calls, emails. All day. Every day. Esepcially, if you haven’t even met me yet and we’ve haven’t even gone on our first date.

Don't be that guy

Welcome back to the land of the okcupid first date. Frist date land has been pretty uneventful as of late, until this past week, where I had the misfortune of agreeing to go on a date with Too Much Texting. As things generally do in okcupid first date land, our emails back and forth to one another started off well enough, especially since he brought up Brian Wilson in the first message. Word the wise, best way to get my attention in my quest to find Future Hubby? Mention my Dream Future Hubby in your first message to me. I will clearly give you a shot if you can carry on a conversation about Brian Wilson and his beard.

By last Wednesday, we had exchanged numbers, he had called and we had set up our first date. My first indication this was going to end badly was that he kept me on the phone for 20 minutes, during the work day, and then tried to keep me on the phone even longer with a “So can you keep talking?” Don’t you have a life? Sorry, I have a job and I kind of need to get back to it. Second issue. He wanted to go to UCB for our first date. Number one, I’ve never been a huge fan of improv. Number two, what happened to the hey, let’s grab a drink or coffee first date? I agreed to go anyway.

Cut to the next day, when at 10 AM, I get a general “have a good day, what do you have going on?” text from him. Not wanting to be rude, I texted back. This then turned into him texting me all day, about once every two minutes, about the most random shit. Then I stupidly at one point mentioned I was really good at movie and tv trivia, which prompted him to just continue texting me trivia questions. My personal favorite that made me go “I need to cancel this date/this guy is weirding me out/kill me now” moment: What was eating Gilbert Grape? Oh. My. God.

Meet me BEFORE you become a crazy texter

The texting continued even when I didn’t respond, along with phone calls, followed by more texting the next day. Was this guy aware that he hadn’t even met me yet? He could meet me and end up hating me. Was he aware that you’re supposed to play hard to get? It’s not just for girls, dude. By Friday night, I had cancelled. Well, I had come up with some excuse to get me out of it for the time being. Yeah, I know. Chicken shit move. If anyone asks, I’m in NC for work.

So FH, please keep this in mind when making first date plans with me. If you text me incessantly and ask me dumb trivia questions, I’m going to want to cancel. I’m going to make up some lame excuse as to why I can’t go out with you anymore. Do you really want to be the next Text Too Much? That’s right, I didn’t think so.

Not to say I don’t love the attention and a text or call every now and then, but at least wait until you’ve met me, decided you like me enough in person to WANT to call or text me, and then go from there. It’s a best way to ensure I don’t “have to go to North Carolina for work” or schedule another, normal “let’s grab a coffee” date in your place which, yes, I’ve already done.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Back off the booze

semisocialite — Wed, 21 Sep 2011 23:09:12 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a lush. I’m all for the consumption of alcohol in moderation, but If I wanted to date an alcoholic, I’d at least find one who was a famous celebrity or something so that way I at least have a chance to end up on Perez Hilton.

Just another Wednesday...

Lately I have found myself in a land I like to call “first date hell.” I’ve taken it upon myself to kick my own ass into gear and start making shit happen. And when I say making shit happen, I mean finally agreeing to go out with some guys, be set up on blind dates (gasp, shock, horror) and confront my fears. One thing that always seems to make any first date go a little easier is a drink and let me tell you, that’s the first thing I order if I’m out at dinner or a bar for that initial meeting. Soothes the nerves and adds a little more confidence. However, I limit myself to one, maybe two drinks, at most. This cannot be said for one of my most recent first date cohort.

A few weeks ago, I agreed to meet some guy I had been talking to on okcupid for a drink at Mandrake in Culver City. No, I’m not a hipster. It just happens to be close to my apartment. We had been emailing for a couple of weeks so clearly, going out was the next natural step. He seemed cool enough, interesting enough, sarcastic enough (I have a standard when it comes to humor/sarcasm that my guys need to have), so the date should have gone well, right? Wrong.

After settling into the back patio with a drink (beer for me, whiskey on the rocks for him) we began to chat and it became apparent to me that we not only had nothing in common but he seemed like a high functioning alcoholic. In between finding out that he doesn’t watch TV (I am best friends with my tivo), likes heavy metal rock (I just vomited in my mouth), and doesn’t like sports (how can you not love Brian Wilson?), he proceeded to yammer on about what types of whiskey he likes, what his favorite bars are, how he had to move within walking distance of his favorite bar, how he impulse buys when he’s drunk (and buys weird shit like real samurai swords and a penguin suit), and how he knows all the bartenders at his favorite bar. Never mind the fact that while we talked about all this super duper fascinating alcohol talk, he downed three whiskeys on the rocks and I was struggling to keep up by drinking beer.

Not that kind of peguin suit...

While he did have a decent, steady job, I just couldn’t overlook the fact that this guy clearly had some issues. Apparently he didn’t realize he was on a date with a girl who is a total lightweight and doesn’t drink more than one to two drinks a week, unless there’s an event going on. Apparently he also didn’t realize that discussing how shitfaced you get on an almost daily basis is not what you should be talking about on a first date. Turn off.

So please keep this in mind for our first date. Don’t booze it up. Don’t get shitfaced. Don’t talk about getting shitfaced. Don’t tell me about how you had to disable one-click shopping on Amazon because you impulse buy when drunk. Don’t point out that you’re best friends with the bartender. I have my own life to handle. I don’t need to be dating someone who’s life revolves around when they are going to get to drink next. I don’t care how great of a job you may have. Or how funny you might be.

Oh yeah, and don’t tell me you don’t like baseball and that you’re going to go home and play video games after our date. Cause if the whole high function alcoholic thing wasn’t enough to turn me off, that certainly is the next best thing to say to ensure you will be promptly deleted from my phone.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Sucker for sports and still a girl

semisocialite — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 17:00:04 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

Please remember that at the end of the day, I am still a girl. Sure, I know I dress pretty casual. That I own an absurd amount of Converse and a couple handfuls of jeans. I know I swear a lot and can be mildly inappropriate from time to time. None of this though should take away from the fact that I am a girl. So please don’t be distracted by these things, as well as my vast knowledge of sports and my wickedly awesome ability to carry on a conversation regarding teams and players. At the end of the day, I still have boobs. Thanks for noticing.

Yes, that's a rifle. Yes, I can do that. Yes, it will hurt if I drop it on you.

Over the past couple of months, I’ve found myself at various parties with friends and once the subject of work has been exhausted (for the love of god, please don’t ask me how work is anymore), I generally find myself standing amongst a group of my guy friends discussing sports. It’s actually exciting to me that I can carry on a conversation about sports given that growing up I wasn’t exactly the most sporty of people. I was in color guard, for heavens sake. Don’t know what that is? Go look it up and then have a good laugh. Just remember, I can toss/spin a sabre and a rifle and I’m not afraid to use this talent against you.

I’ve noticed though that once these conversations have ended, I’ve more often than not see some of my guy friends go and hit on girl, buy them drinks, even though they have talked to him for like 2.5 seconds and the girls looked mildly moronic and are never dressed weather appropriate. Hello. I’m a girl too. Yeah, I’ve known most of you for like…ever and I’m not asking you to buy me a drink or flirt with me or use some cheesy pick up line, but it’s those moments that make me realize that none of my guys friends really look at me as a girl. Or at least THAT kind of girl. And it makes me hope that there is a guy out there, hopefully you FH, that will look at me like I’m a girl and still appreciate the fact that I can sound like an episode of Sports Center. I’m the girl that can talk about tennis like I’m a pro (except I can’t play for shit), how Jay Cutler was just a big baby and should have sucked it up, how I can never see the Cubs getting any better even though I still have some crazy hope, the current state of Giants baseball, Brian Wilson’s beard, Brandon Belt’s departure (again), or how Carlos Beltran better pay off as we head into the playoffs. I’m not the girl that they look at as actually being a girl. Maybe if I wore a super low cut top and a short skirt while discussing why Tim Lincecum doesn’t ice his shoulder after a game or why Roger Federer has started to slip in the standing, then I might be view differently.

Why does Matt Cain look like John C. Reilly?

Oddly enough, the reason I normally get super into a sport is because of a cute guy that’s playing it (Andy Roddick, Brian Wilson, I’m looking at you two… Hell, even Drake Diener in college was the reason I got so into NCAA basketball) but then in the state of crushing, I get so into the sport that I kind of forget that they’re cute and start getting really into the sport, the rules, the behind the scenes deals, the though process behind every move, every DL list, and why the hell we haven’t we just released Barry Zito already. Who care about how much money we’d lose? He’s a lifesuck.

So I’m begging you…can you please just look past the fact that I actually like sports, can discuss sports, and don’t sound like an idiot while discussing sports? I would think that some guys would find it attractive if a girl can talk about sports (and kind of sound like she knows what she’s talking about). And if you don’t, well, then too bad. Don’t expect me to wear a low cut top just to remind you that I am in fact a girl and yes, I have boobs. Just appreciate the fact that I do have boobs AND I enjoy watching Sports Center.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Married and macking

semisocialite — Tue, 21 Jun 2011 22:40:49 +0000

Dear Future Hubby,

First off, let me apologize for my absence as it’s now summer and therefore I’ve been sitting in front of my TV watching of SYTYCD, Game of Thrones, tivo’d episodes of House Hunters International and patiently waiting for True Blood. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. Plus I finally watched Band of Brothers which if you’ve seen, you know it’s fantastic and slightly addicting. I’d totally be on board if you were in fact Damian Lewis or the dude that plays Doc Roe. Really, work has just been slightly crazy so my apologies for falling of the blogging/quest for a future hubby wagon.

FYI, I'm not blind

However, I would like to thank my crazy busy life for providing me with something absolutely annoying/fascinating/hilarious to tell you about. And when I say tell you about, I clearly mean, shit you shouldn’t do if you want to have any chance with me.

I’m pretty positive I don’t come across as a stupid person. Sure, sometimes I talk like a valley girl when I get super excited about things, but I do have two college degrees. I have a job. I have life experience. I’m pretty smart. I’m also not blind. So if you have a wedding ring on, I can see it. If you have a ring tan line, I can see it. So do me a favor and don’t flirt with me because oh yeah, you’re married. Oh, you didn’t get that memo? Hmm, I’ll make sure to fax you a copy of your marriage certificate as soon as I’m done with this post.

About a week ago, I went out with one of my friends who happened to invite some of her other friends ago for this outing. I had been hearing about these other friends for quite some time, so it was one of those “I feel like I already know you” moments, including all about Mr. Married & Mrs. Married, who according to my friend we’re the most adorable couple you’ve ever seen. Sadly, Mrs. Married wasn’t going to be able to make it that night, so when we arrived I was introduced to Mr. Married and yes, I was immediately bummed he was taken as he was gorgeous. I didn’t really think much of his hotness though, as we were in a larger group of people and oh yeah, he’s married, but when he started sliding up to me at the bar, animately talking to me, buying me drinks, full on flirting with me, I really wanted to laugh and remind him that I’m not blind. I can see your wedding ring. He was nice enough though, and we had a lot on common, so I stayed, talking to him and trying my best not to fall into flirting back with him.

After a while, I excused myself to the ladies and when I came back, something immediately was different. Mr. Married had moved his wedding ring to his other

Orange is not my color

hand! Dude! I just sat with you for an hour. Do you think I’m just going to now suddenly think you’re single because you moved your ring? Or do you really think I hadn’t noticed it before on your left hand? Cause no offense dude, I’m a girl and the older we single girls get, the more we immediately look for a wedding ring. This was clealry my cue to go find my friend, find a new conversation to be a part of, and feel sorry for Mrs. Married.

So do us both a favor and learn something from this little story. Don’t hit on me if you’re married. I’m looking for My Future Hubby. Not “Someone else’s Current Hubby, but could be my Future Hubby.” Actually, don’t even hit on me if you have a girlfriend. It’s a waste of both our time. As flattered as I am, as cute as you may be, as much as we may hit it off and get along, I’m not exactly looking to be given the home wrecker of the year award. I’m not looking for any drama, especially when just starting something with someone. And you know what that ring on that finger says? Drama.

Xo,

Your Future Wife