Tag Archives: Current Crush Crown

Psychic predictions…or lack thereof

6 Dec

Dear Future Hubby,

When December rolls around, all the favorite television shows start to go on the holiday hiatus and I’m forced to watch ridiculously bad shows or DVD box sets until new episodes come on in January. When I say “bad shows” I don’t mean like What Not To Wear or RW/RR Challenges. No, no. I mean really bad. Like Giuliana and Bill. Yeah. That’s right. I admitted it. I recently got sucked into an episode of Giuliana and Bill and while I would like to bill the Style network and make them give me back one hour of my life, the episode actually made me think of you.

This is clearly the psychic I need to go to

Yes, I know that’s odd and sounds a little crazy, but hear me out. During the episode I was watching Giuliana have drinks with some girlfriends and of course they end up talking about guys.  Nothing out of the ordinary here, until one of her friends mentions that she had recently gone to a psychic who told her that she was going to end up with someone she already knew. My reaction? Shit. What if that happens to me?

Going to the psychic part would be cool, yes, and my friend Val and I have made it our goal to hopefully go to one after the New Year, but ending up with someone I already know? I immediately start going through my list of single guy friends and trying to figure out how much Future Hubby potential they actually have?

Double Threat : He still live all the way across the country. He still rarely talks to me unless he gets drunks and sees our freshman year English professor. I secretly have always hoped that one day he’d show up on my door step and say “I’m an idiot. I screwed up. I want to be with you” and then I’d go around the corner and do a little dance like Laura Linney does in Love, Actually when she’s about to bag Rodrigo Garcia.  However, recently DT even forgot my birthday: an event that no matter how long it’s been since we’ve communicated, he always called or texted on. FH Potential: 10%

J-Squared: He also still live all the way across the country (anyone else seeing a pattern here?) but I have to give the guy credit. He has that sixth sense about when I had just about forgotten him and popped back up. Well done, you. However, flirting is all it’s ever been and even though I did marry him in a random game of MASH that Val and I played on Saturday night (don’t judge) I don’t have bleached blond hair, a fake tan, and fake boobs, which is exactly his type based off of every picture I’ve ever seen of him with other girls. FH Potential: 15%

Premiere Pal: Currently dating someone else, currently still sending mixed signals, currently still incredibly dense. He’s quickly turning into another an emotional pseudo-boyfriend, which sorry, the role has already been filled in my life, so thanks for playing. However, the currently sending mixed signals gives me a minor glimmer of hope that one day, he might change his mind. FH Potential: 30%

Emotional Psuedo-Boyfriend: Been dating someone else for almost a year and we’re too the point now that he annoys me half the time. We’d probably kill each other within the first 10 minutes. FH Potential: 3%

My Favorite Mistake: A really, really “poor life choice” from my college years who has oddly enough turned into a pretty decent friend. Out of all the above, he’s probably 3rd in the Friend competition and that’s only behind Premiere Pal and EPB.  Sad thing is, said poor life choice has put me in the position that I would never ever admit it IF I started to like him again and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. FH Potential: 11%

I'm sad for myself that I watched this

Clearly, if I walk into the psychic and hear what the girl on G&B heard, I’d probably laugh in her face. Out of the above, the highest percentage anyone got was 30% and if someone is going to be FH, we’re going to need to get above the 50% mark. However, there could be some truth to it, especially since I’d ideally like to date someone who I’ve been friends with first. Damn you G&B for making me A: seriously debate about going to a psychic and B: planting a seed of doubt in my head about every single guy friend I have.

If you are somebody I already know, well, at least you probably aren’t shocked by my admitting to watching Giuliana and Bill. You most likely already know that and if we’re still friends even after that, you just earned even more brownie points.  There might just be hope for you yet.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Trying to retain the Current Crush crown

27 Oct

Dear Future Hubby,

I’m not a fan of how guys know the exact moment that you have stopped thinking about them/giving a shit about them. It’s some hidden sixth sense that I’m sure you have and I’d appreciate it if you never used it on me since it’s beyond frustrating to have you (or any other guy I have on my brain) just pop up after I have 99.9% forgotten that they exist.

Sorry, the Current Crush crown has been passed

I don’t know how all guys posses this sixth sense. I’m sure there is a secret control room somewhere that flashes a red light at the exact moment a girl forgets about a guy. Then all the guys of the world congregate to come up with the most absurd, random, out of the blue way they can pop back up to ensure that they are not forgotten. Said guy is then sent off into the world to make sure that all attention is once again on them. Congratulations. You win. I remember you’re alive. I remember why I liked you to begin with. Now either stop dicking around and ask me out or just disappear while I go into the witness protection program for the next time the red alarm flashes and you have come up with some new way to weasel your way back into my consciousness.

Double Threat is/was awesome at this.  The hardest of them all to forget and literally a couple weeks after I pretty much did, insert random text conversation about our English professor. And just in case I happen to even slightly forget him, there’s always my birthday and Christmas, which comes complete with a generic text message. Gee, thanks. This past weekend, J-Squared (aka Current Crush) chatted me up out of the blue. Literally a week after I had met someone else who was on their way to replacing him as the new Current Crush. Really? You were so pissed you were going to lose your title, that you just had to pop in to say hello? Needless to say this was a complete shock…yet, somewhere deep down, I was secretly happy. Sue me, I’m a sucker for male attention. Especially when it comes from a guy I like.

Someone's a little too late to the party

Forget the fact that I haven’t really talked to him or seen him about four months, but there I was. Spending an hour of my Saturday afternoon catching up with him.  This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I had reached out to him, but it was the other way around. He reached out to me. I was pretty positive he had forgotten I was alive, much like I was hoping to at some point forget he was alive. I assume he had just come from his secret meeting where he determined the best way to reenter my life and ensure his Current Crush status was in place. I was so proud of myself for finally getting over him and here I am, back to the beginning of liking him all over again.  His flirting did absolutely nothing to help this.

So DFH, cut me some slack. If the “she’s forgotten about you” red light goes off for you, don’t take this as your sign to just show back up for a couple weeks before disappearing again. Take this as your sign to get your ass in gear and tell me you like me too or cut me loose and let me bestow the Current Crush crown on someone else.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

The out-of-state date seeker

24 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Can you please live in the same state as me?

Yes, that would mean you need to be a resident of California. It’s a pretty big state. I’m sure you can find some place within this massive state to call home. Ideally, some place in Southern California would do, but I’m not opposed to Northern as well, seeing as a grew up there. But if you live in a completely different state, not even one that borders California, it’s going to become a bit of an issue.

If Current Crush and I were to date...

This is not to say I’m opposed to long distance dating. I’m not. Current crush lives 3,000 miles away and if he wanted to to do a long distance relationship, well shit, sign me up. But if you’re just meeting me on okcupid and you live in a different state, I can’t help but say “Um….are there seriously no other girls in your state that you can date? You know, ones that you can actually see in person in a regular basis?”

This past weekend I had zero plans which was absolutely blissful.  As I sat there on my couch on Sunday afternoon, watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family (don’t judge) I received an email notification that I had an okcupid message.  I immediately started placing bets on if it was a creeper or an actual normal person. Turns out, it was a normal person. A really hot normal person. One problem. He lives in Illinois! His entire message was “You’re lovely. It’s too bad I don’t live in California.”

Excuse me for busting this out but…..WTF?!!?! Dear Sir, thanks for telling me I’m lovely. I’d like to thank the photos from Bowie Bride’s wedding for giving me brand new profile pics and for Julia Papworth for doing an awesome job on my hair and make up that day. But seriously, why would you message me if you lived in a different state? Wait, how exactly did you even find me if you live in a different state? Who has random search options  set for a state that’s 1,800 miles away?

So I know there's an ocean between us, but want to have dinner?

I immediately went to his profile to discover that he lists Beverly Hills as is home city. I became more confused by the second. Upon further reading, he explains in his profile that he doesn’t actually live in California, but in Moline, IL instead. Sad face for him. I’ve been to Moline. Beverly Hills is much better. He lists Beverly Hills as his city because he doesn’t want to be contacted by creepy girls from his area. If he’s interested in someone in the greater Moline area, he’ll seek them out and contact them. Okay, we’ve all gotten the creeper messages on okcupid. I get them on a daily basis. But I just delete them or choose to ignore them. Can’t this guy do the same?

I doubt I would be this annoyed by this out of state date seeker if he had been a creeper, but no. He had to go and be really hot. Thanks a heap.

So please, if you’re going to message me on okcupid and you are actually a normal person, please live in the same state as me. It’s taking a lot of determination to actually keep doing this whole online dating thing so help a girl out.  Don’t make me get my hopes up only to find out you live in Bumblefuck, IL.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Try and be a little taller, ok?

10 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Please, please, please be taller than me.

This will never be me

I know, I really shouldn’t be picky and I really shouldn’t base whether I date a guy on how tall he is but…it’s kind of a deal breaker for me. I don’t know what it is about a guy that is my height or shorter than me that freaks me out but I just can’t do it. I’m all about the guys that are tall, where I actually have to tilt my head up to look at them. That’s the ideal situation for me. I never thought the ideal situation would be one where I might potentially hurt my neck, but hey, it’s worth it.

I am by no means tall (5’6, maybe 5’7 if I’m not slouching) so it’s hard to be shorter than me. But when I find myself on a date with a guy who is not only really, REALLY overzealous and is about an inch shorter than me, I kind of want to run for the hills. True story. I went on a date with a former co-worker of one of my really good friends. I immediately had my guard up because I met him Friday night and he asked me out to dinner that next morning, and we went out the following day. I felt like he was trying to overcompensate for not being tall by being really overzealous. If there is one thing I can’t handled more than someone shorter than me, it’s someone that’s really overzealous about wanting to go out on a date with me. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with him again.

This isn’t to say I’m completely opposed to dating anyone shorter than 6 feet tall, but it’s just you know…a nice little cherry on top if I can find a guy that doesn’t make me feel like a giant. The current crush isn’t even that much taller than me, maybe and inch or so. Actually, I’m surprised I didn’t automatically write him off for being just a little bit taller than me. Congrats, current crush. You apparently have oodles of awesome traits that overshadow the fact that you’re not 6’2. Well done, you! Though I do think that at one point in his presence I said that being short is a deal breaker for me. Current crush, you are the exception to that, just FYI.

Sad face for you, Sarkozy

I wish I could just get past the whole “you have to be taller than me” thing, but I just can’t seem to break it. Even when perusing the profiles on okcupid, one of the first things I look at it height. Granted, I have been getting better at saving guys to my favorites list is they seem cool and are maybe only 5’8, so at least that’s progress.However, I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable getting to the point being okay saving someone to that list, let alone dating someone that is shorter than me. Call it a personal preference, call it me overlooking some great guys. I just can’t do it. I’ve tried. It’s not for me.

So FH, please start taking some growing pills or get that surgery Ethan Hawke gets in Gattaca, cause like I said, being shorter than me if a deal breaker. I know that is kind of bitchy, but hey, everyone has their personal preference. I guess this is just mine.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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