Tag Archives: Dating

Beware of the Bed Hog

7 Jul

Dear Future Hubby,

I hope you like sleeping on the floor. Or the couch. Or in a tent in the living room because sadly….I’m kind of a bed hog.

In the midst of my half sleep while I continually press the snooze button routine this morning, I realize that I wasn’t sleeping on “my” side of the bed anymore. I was basically lying across it diagonally. I have no idea when during the night this happened, but I’ve been waking up lately and finding that I’m either directly in the middle of the bed or diagonal across it. Clearly, I didn’t learn very much about sharing growing up. Only child syndrome, sorry.

Yeah...this is so me

I normally wouldn’t think anything of this but for some reason, I got uber panicked for you, Future Hubby. Where the hell are you going to sleep when you finally show up and I decide you’re cool enough to spend the nigh because clearly, I’ve become so comfortable in my bed that that’s what it is now. MY bed. I have hardwood floors, so that’s definitely out. The Aerobed is another good option but that thing is totally bulky and takes up the rest of the floor space in my room. I’m so not going to want to step on your pretty face on my way to get a glass of water at 3 AM. Our couch is comfy, but if you want to go to bed early and I want to stay up watching So You Think You Can Dance, this is clearly impractical. We don’t have a treehouse, so you can’t camp out Sandlot style and we live close to a busy street so a tent in the front yard might be a bit noisy for you.

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma. I guess you’re just going to have to get used to me being a bed hog, kicking you in the middle of the night, waking you up when I turn over, stealing your pillow because it used to be MY pillow, stealing the covers, leghitch’ing you in the middle of the night, or pinning you against the mattress because I’ve decided to lay diagonally. You’re clearly never going to get a good nights sleep again, so you better start stocking up on those zzz’s now because you’ll miss them when you’re watching Magic Bullet infomercials at 4 AM because I’ve pushed you off the bed and on to the cold hardwood floor.

Or..I guess I could just wait till you show up, prove yourself worthy of a sleepover, and compromise. Actually, the more I think about it, the more restricted I become when sleeping in the same bed as someone else.  You may actually end up getting a good night sleep after all. Me…not so much, as I’ll be too terrified I’ll punch you in the face in my sleep if I move an inch.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Perusing the profiles

15 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

I remembered growing up seeing all the personal ads in the paper.  “SWF seeks SWM for longs walks on the beach and candlelit dinners.” A: I really hope you haven’t ever done that and B: I really hope I never hear the words “long walks on the beach and candlelit dinner” come out of your mouth. Those ads always fascinated me with their abbreviations and the things people looked for when using the newspaper to track down a significant other. Cut to 2010, where more people are using the internet to find the man or woman of their dreams. Answer a few questions here, upload a picture there, browse through other people that have done the same and BAM! You might just have a match. Lucky for those people, you have more room on a dating site profile than you do in the paper and they don’t charge you by the letter.

Second Hand Embarrassmed for you

A few weeks ago when I mentioned that I wasn’t a fan of online dating, I, of course, went right back out there and contradicted myself. Who knows? Maybe you’re actually out there lurking in cyberspace, FH. I logged back on to okcupid, updated by horribly out of date profile and started winking at guys (cause I’m a chicken shit and hate messaging people first), and mentally judging people based on their profiles (cause that’s what everyone does). While I’m not fully on board with the whole idea just yet, I can see myself slowly getting there. Maybe. Someday. After several drinks.

One thing I notice about the profiles though is that because of the search options to help you weed through what’s out there, the section on your actual profile for what you’re looking for in a significant other is small, consisting of only the following:

  • Age Range
  • Type of Relationship
  • Sex and Sexuality

Excuse me, okcupid, seeing as your search options are purely cosmetic or related to one’s demographic, like age, location, race, religion, height, weight, income, etc. shouldn’t I be allowed a whole freaking novel of what I am looking for in a guy? One that contains really important features and not ones that tell me jack shit about someone’s personality. It seems rather narcissistic that all the things I’m supposed to write in my profile are solely based around me, what I like, what I don’t like, and why I’m uber awesome. I should be able to write something like the following somewhere, even if it’s just in the footnotes.

Kick-ass, awesome twenty something that loves movies, tennis, sarcasm, pop culture and grilled cheese sandwiches is looking for the guy (preferably who is older than I am), that meets many of the following:

Has an some type of European accent, has traveled and wants to travel more, knows the rules and scoring of tennis, hates Rafael Nadal as much as I do, likes to cook, doesn’t mind sitting in a bookstore with me for hours while i sit on the floor reading, will let me watch Gilmore Girls any time I want, will go along with any and all Gaelic Gala plans, can tell when my blood sugar is low and when to not piss me off, is handy around the house, likes the black part of a black and white cookie,  is taller than me, can surf and is willing to teach me, will have his own opinion about things, will force me to go to more concerts, will be kind, sensitive and get along with my family, will like dogs and want one, will take the trash out without needing to be asked, will not randomly text, email, or BBM and then not respond, knows the value of Pippi Longstocking, can quote Wanye’s World and the Sandlot, understands the genius that is Camp Nowhere and Heavyweights, remember TV shows like Ghost Writer and The Adventures of Pete & Pete, lets me decorate any way I want, will force me to take a vacation every once and a while,  will sit on the phone with me for hours, even if we have nothing to say, will do an Irish jig to cheer me up whenever I’m feeling down, won’t force me to take shots of Jameson, will laugh at me if I ever suggest a “long walk on the beach,” looks good with some scruff, can pull off plaid every once in a while, likes to camp and will force me to camp, will force us to do intellectually stimulating activities like going to a museum…

We will not be dating if you do not understand the amazingness that is Tim Riggins

Really the list could go on and on. I just find that dating site profiles are slightly limited to talking about yourself, selling yourself, trying to get people interested in you, that they don’t give you much of a chance to be like “If you can’t understand the amazingness that is Friday Night Lights and it’s a travesty it’s never been nominated for an Emmy, then I’m pretty sure I don’t want to sleep with you.” Wouldn’t it just be easier to read a paragraph about what someone is looking for and if you think you might fit at least .00001% of that, then wink at them. Rather than weed through the contenders hoping to find some guy that is just really good at making himself sound appealing. He could end up being a total douche and this could have all been avoided if you knew if he like the black part of a black and white cookie.

It’s like a needle in a haystack and I tend to get hay fever, thank you very much. So FH, make it easier on me and if you can, somewhere in your profile, hijack a paragraph that’s you’re supposed to make all about yourself and dedicate it to “Wink/Message me if you can say yes to a percentage of the following.”

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Uninterested in Internet Dating

3 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

I’m all about the technology. I have three computers: one personal laptop, one work laptop, and one work desktop. I have two blackberrys: one personal, one work. I’ve always been someone who has to be connected at all times.  Shove me in a foreign country with no internet or cell phone and I kind of freak out. Believe me, when I found out Coolclogher House got wireless last time I went to Ireland, it was like Christmas. Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, CNN, Google, FourSquare, Perez, my life would be empty without them all. You would think with how much I love being connected, I would love everything on the internet. But the one thing I just cannot wrap my head around is internet dating.

Me and technology go way back...like early 80s back

Don’t get me wrong. I know tons of couples who have met through the internet, I have tons of friends who are dating through online sites, but hell, if I have to hear again from E-Harmony about how one out of every five couples meets online, I might just scream. I get it. It’s a fantastic way to meet people…if you aren’t me.  So don’t be surprised if you don’t meet on on match, e-harmony or okcupid.  I won’t fault you for being on those sites because I get it. We all spend more time with computers than we do with our significant others. But as much as I would love to be all on board with the whole internet dating thing…it kind of freaks me out.

Trust me, I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve done match and okcupid and been on dates and clearly none of them were game show worthy love connections. I also have major social anxiety about going out with someone I’ve met online and even if I do walk through that wall of fear, I find myself feeling really freaked out when the dates over and I’m driving home from Olive Garden or PF Changs. I’ve done it enough times to know that it’s always going to end up the same way. The guy could be pretty nice, but just something about the entire “I met you online” fact makes me cringe/squirm/want to take a really hot shower.  So I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re probably going to have to meet me the old fashioned way. We’re talking a bar, a party, through a mutual friend, etc. I want to get to know someone in person before I actually commit to going out with them. An online profile and blurry/cropped/pixelated photo from 1997 doesn’t always give the best first impression. I don’t need daily emails telling me if someone has chosen me on QuickMatch or who’s new in my neighborhood. I already get enough emails a day and I’d prefer that they aren’t trying to set me up with someone when I really should be worrying about the important ones. The more I get them, the more it freaks me out, and the less I care to actually read them and be interested in who they are presenting me with.

If only this existed...

Unless the world of online dating changes in some drastic way like giving me super specific kick ass options like “I prefer a guy with an accent,” “I prefer a guy who is from a foreign country,” “I prefer a guy that understand how hilarious the 1970s Pippi Longstocking movies are,” “I prefer a guy that can quote Wayne’s World AND the Sandlot,” or “I prefer a guy who wants to get married in Ireland at a week long celebration called Gaelic Gala” then I don’t think I’m going to hop back on the band wagon any time soon. I was always trying to hang on to the back of it as it rolled down the street anyway. I think it’s time to let go, at least for now, and try and find you on my own terms, rather than feeling that this is the “best” way to meet someone now. It may be best for some people, just not me.

I would also just like you to know that as I wrote this, someone on OkCupid sent me an “Ice Breaker.” Excuse me while I go press the delete button.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Peace out Pseudo-Boyfriend

1 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a pseudo-boyfriend. Well, if you were one, you probably aren’t Future Hubby anyway.

Before or after the early bird special at Denny's?

You may not know exactly what a pseudo boyfriend is, but you’ve definitely seen one. They are the guy that acts and looks like they are dating a girl, but in actuality, they aren’t. They are doing everything to make it seem like they are a boyfriend, but when the topic comes up or someone ask if they are dating, the answer is of course no. Nevermind the fact that every single thing they do or say indicates otherwise. It’s confusing as all hell and definitely annoying for girls like me who are looking for Future Hubby. I’ve spent tons of time trying to figure out why the hell guys do this. It can range from commitment phobias to wanting to keep their options open to who the hell knows. I’ve also discovered that there are three different types of pseudo-boyfriends, all of which, you should avoid being.

The Emotional Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that you are dating mentally and emotionally. He’s the type of guys that just “gets” you. You call each other “babe” and “hun” while talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning. He calls you when he has tough life decisions to make and wants your opinion. Wait, you’re asking me if you should take a job out of town that will mean we don’t see each other for six months? Isn’t that more of a question for a real girlfriend and not someone you’re just a pseudo-boyfriend to? He invites you to parties as his “plus one,” he takes you out to dinner, you spend more time at each other houses than you do at your own. Plus the icing on the cake is when one of his friends, which you have just met five minutes earlier, asks you point blank “are you guys fucking?” and then proceeds to bring it up all night after witnesses your banter and boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. Everything about the relationship is screaming “we’re dating” except that he won’t just get it over with and kiss you.

The “Friends with Benefits/No Strings Attached” Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that calls you at 11 PM and wants you to come over. Yes, you’ve just been booty called. He’s the guy that calls you while walking home from the bar and instead of going to his place, comes over to your place. In public, he’s just another one of your guy friends that you can play flip cup with till the cows come home, but put you two alone in a room together and you’ve got yourselves a party. He has no idea what your allergic to or how you always sob at the end of Rudy, but when does that matter at all when it comes to a quick hook up?

The Double Threat

This is the guy that combines the best of both pseudo-boyfriend worlds. He’s the double threat, being both the emotional pseudo-bf with a dash of friends of benefits thrown in for fun. He’s the guy that not only knows everything about you, but is a damn good kisser as well. You guys plan your lives around each other. You pick out apartments across the hall from one another so you can be closer to each other. You coordinate your work/school/life schedules to coincide with one another as much as possible. You’ve watched the sun rise together because you’ve stayed up so late talking. You pick each other up from the airport, you spend holidays together, you’ve met each other parents. You even fight like you’re dating. If a fight in the Wendy’s parking lot followed by someone walking home because they are so mad doesn’t scream “we’re dating!” then what does? He writes you poems and leaves them on your voice mail. He gives you presents and flowers when he’s trying to make up for doing something stupid. He likes spending the night at your place more than he does at his own place. But at the end of the day, he leaves himself open for options. You guys can go periods of time (like all of junior year of college) while either of you goes off to date someone else, but you guys always come back to one another, except never with a “real” relationship to show for it. Just a “whenever it’s convenient” relationship. The only sweet vindication for this is when he comes to you two years later when he’s actually gone and made someone else officially his girlfriend and says “I really screwed up with us. I had my chance and I fucked it up.” Me – 1, Him – 0.

Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to deal with each and every one of these only to learn that regardless of how you act with them or how much you pray that they’ll be different, they are 99.9% never going to change and become an actual boyfriend. There is an underlying reason as to why they won’t just make it official, whether you ever figure it out or not.

If I ever see you slipping into any of the above a categories, you better as hell believe I’m speaking up. I should have spoken up when dealing with all of the above, but sometimes you have to make a mistake to keep learn not to make it in the future. All of the above just end up in someone getting hurt and what is the fun in that? Relationships, while hard, are supposed to be fun too. There is no fun in watching your pseudo-boyfriend go and flirt with another girl, even if you’re with a “friends with benefits” pseudo-bf. If you want to be considered Future Hubby material, you’re actually going to have to be my boyfriend first.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Goodbye Gaydar

25 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Let’s get serious for a moment. And by serious, I really just mean me getting annoyed with something and you having to listen.

So seriously dude, listen up. Can you please just be upfront about if you are gay or straight? If you aren’t going to be upfront, then I am left to trust my now untrustworthy gaydar and looking like a fool when i find out that this really cute guy I’ve been friends with for a few years now is in fact STRAIGHT. Yes, that’s right. Straight. I’ve just been thrown for a complete 180. Hello, mortified, party of one, right here.

To replace my malfunctioning gaydar

Sure, sure, I guess I could have just asked or I should have been able to tell in some way. But here’s the thing. When you’re friends with someone and you only hang out every couple of months with a select group of people, your view on them in skewed. You only know them in a certain setting with certain people where only certain things come up for discussion. I guess I just need to get my gaydar checked. Living in LA, I should be used to cute guys that dress nice, can keep up with pop culture, etc. that are straight. I mean, this is the land of David Beckham and Ryan Seacrest. Metrosexual is in. I’m not exactly sure why I thought he was gay, but for some reason, way back in the day, the gaydar went off and he got put onto the list of my fabulous gay friends.  I’m sure I would have figured this out much sooner if I actually hung out with him more (or had snooped around more) but apparently, I was too busy avoiding being hit on by guys with forklifts (shudder extreme) and my Starbuck’s barista.

Because of this situation, I’ve now had to create a check list for myself of things to do to reinstate this guy onto the list of super hot guy friends I have that could have future hubby, or at least date potential and I will have to do the same if you pull the same (self inflicted) stunt on me.

  1. Get my gaydar checked. Seriously, that shit is malfunctioning like whoa and needs to hit the repair shop.
  2. Make sure to not look like a hobo when I hang out with said guy again. When you get put on the list of guys that I will never have a chance with (like my gay friends or Ryan Gosling) I tend to give a rats ass if I have make up on or if I’m wearing a cute shirt. Easier said then done, but as a girl that rocks jeans and Converse on a daily basis, I’m now going to have to scour my closet for at least 20 minutes before we hang out next time.

    Sexy in a suit (and totally in my Top Five)

  3. Try not to drool over said guy when we hang out. When on the gay friends list, automatically I don’t drool regardless of how cute you are or not. It’s like when Lance Bass officially came out. Millions of girls around the world stopped drooling for the soul fact that they would never have a chance. However, now that he’s back on the datable list, I will need to keep my drooling/staring/daydreaming about him in check. Especially if he’s wearing something hot like a suit (cause guys always look much hotter when they wear a suit).

So please do not be ambiguous when we meet. Give me a clear sign that you’re gay or straight. I don’t mind either way.  I’d just like to know if I’d ever have a shot with you. I’d rather not spend 2 years ruining any chance I have with you by showing you all my horrible habits and what I look like with no make up on when you actually WOULD be on board to go to coat check room and make out with me if I actually didn’t look like I crawled out of bed ten minutes before. So you just keep being awesome and looking hot and I’ll try not to look like I haven’t slept in three days while hiding all deal breaker habits for at least a little while.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

PS: Take what I said about suits seriously. Guys always look sexy when they wear a suit.

Cute, but do you have a curfew?

20 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Please be old enough to buy a drink legally. In the US.

I can’t even begin to express the disappointment I face when I meet a cute guy and just have that feeling. That feeling that there is just something off about him. He’s cute. He’s funny. He’s flirting with me…oh wait, here it comes. He’s 20. That’s only two years past jail-bait territory. That’s like just a tad better than drooling over  a newly 18 Zac Efron back when the first HS Musical came out..  Excuse me, but I’m 26.  Shouldn’t he be out trying to find hot sorority girls to hit on? Yes, I know I was a sorority girl back in college but I graduated in 2005. He still have semesters ahead of him.

Yup, this photo made my day. I don't know if I can be a tennis fan anymore.

I think that as we get older, guys all start to blend together in terms of age.  You can’t tell the difference between someone who is 22 and someone who is 28 unless there is something drastically off about them. As long as they’re nice to us and easy on the eyes, age is one of the last things that comes to mind. It’s like “Oh yeah, now that we’ve been totally hitting it off for the past two hours, I should probably ask, do you want to get a cup of coffee?…Oh, you’re already out past your curfew? Oh well, in that case I better let you go while I go die of embarrassment in the bathroom. See ya.”

Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against dating someone younger. Or older. I mean, I’m the girl that was totally all about the 38 year old she met when she was 25 at the Daily Pint. Believe me, I’m pretty sure I’ve been on the other end of this situation. But 20? Really? I know everyone says age is just a number but 20 and 26 just seems too far of a stretch. If I were 35 and he were 29, I think I might be more willing to consider that, and not just for the fact that I wouldn’t have to be worried about him getting arrested for using a fake ID when we go out. As much as I don’t like to admit it, as much as I like to be open to all possibilities, I honestly believe that regardless of how cute someone is or how much we get along, 20 and 26 are just two different worlds completely.

He asks me for bar suggestions for “Thirsty Thursday” while my Thursday is going to consist of watching the Grey’s Anatomy finale and (probably) crying my eyes out. He still has to finish college. I’ve already been to school. Twice. And am now the owner of two really expensive pieces of paper that say I’m kinda sorta smart. I’ve had jobs. Not just working part time at the Starbuck’s to make some extra cash, but 8 am to 8 pm kind of jobs. The kind where you have a 401K and a work related email account.

Hey, it's my Starbuck's line friends! Ashton, are you out past curfew?

This isn’t to say we don’t have things in common. I’m sure that we do. In fact, I know that we do. We wouldn’t have been talking to begin with if we didn’t. But I’m over in my world and he’s in his and right now, the two worlds just aren’t mixing all that well. The older you get the easier it is to cross paths/line your world up with someone who is older.  It’s easier to relate to one another and to have more common interest.  Yes, I know we both have common interests, like flip cup, movies, and enjoying second hand embarressment, but he’ll still like those things when he’s 26. I’m proof of that.

I know that age differneces like this work out. I mean, take a look at all those girls on 16 and pregnant. I’m sure at least one of those girls was dating a guy in his mid twenties.  Sometimes age differences work, sometimes they don’t. I just don’t feel like being Demi Moore right now and as cute as some guys are, Ashton Kutcher has got a monoloply of the older women thing. At least until those guys get older. So add me on facebook, be my friend, keep in touch, and look me up when you can buy me a drink legally, show me your really expensive dipolma, and trade war stories about jobs.

Ugh. This is just like when we girls all felt slightly disgusted with ourselves about thinking Taylor Lautner was cute when we was 17. Sure, I know 20 years old way beyond that point, but trust me, I’m going to need a little while to get over the “Oh, you’re cute, I think I like you…oh my god, you’re too young for me to like. I must go hide in shame” moment.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Don’t force me to use a “Fake Boyfriend Story”

17 May

Dear Future Hubby,

If for any reason, you meet me and I throw you a “fake boyfriend story” to begin with, you have permission to judge/mock me for it for the rest of my life.

Meet Adam, he's a magazine writer

What is a “fake boyfriend story,” you ask?  Well, it’s a gem of a tool we girls use when put into the horrible situation of being approach/pursued by someone we have absolutely no interest in.

I’m sure that if you are Future Hubby, the chances of me using a fake boyfriend story on you are slim. However, I’m just covering my basis and giving you a heads up that I am not beyond using one to avoid any and all awkward “I have no interest in you so please stop complimenting me on my sunglasses or doing favors for me” interactions.

Here’s the play by play…

Girl is approached by guy that she has absolutely no interest in.  This could also come in the form of said guy asking a friend to ask said girl if she’s single.  After a moment or two of contemplation on if we are truly interested, we formulate our answer. If we are interested, we, of course, are open to being pursued or tell the friend that yes, we are in fact single. Come on down Chuck Woolery, we’ve got ourselves a Love Connection.

If not, some of us actually say we aren’t interested.  Some of us, however, resort to the “fake boyfriend story.” We tell them that we are taken, fake disappointment that we can’t date them (gee, what a bummer), and move on with our lives. The “fake boyfriend story” only comes into play after this when the guy is persistent and starts asking about who has stolen our hearts away. Some guys just can’t accept no for an answer.  Insert imagination overload as we girls try to come up with the best (and most believable) “fake boyfriend story” we can come up with to show you that we are “taken.” This includes, but isn’t limited to the following:

  • The story
  • Flipping the Claddagh ring (Bad Irish karma right there)
  • Moving a ring to your left ring finger
  • Pulling out a camera to show photos of random hot guys we met at the bar and pretend that we not only remember their name but are in fact dating them
  • Drudging up actual stories of old boyfriends and pretending we are still dating them (Ugh, like I really want to relive past relationships)

Guy: Oh you have a boyfriend? What’s he like?

Girl: His name is Adam. We’ve been dating for about three years.  We met back when we were in college

Guy: Oh….nice.  And does he live here?

Girl: Yeah, we live together in Brentwood. It’s a great commute for him because he works in Santa Monica.

Guy: Wow…that sounds…great. What does he do?

Girl: He writes for a magazine.

Please don't force this to be me

Normally, as a single girl, I feel that busting out the fake boyfriend story, brings me bad karma, and maybe it does. Maybe I just need to grow a pair and be ok saying, “Hey, I’m not interested in you.” But I’m sorry, sometimes a girl just has to bust it out when a guy just doesn’t get the message.  Plus it’s also sometimes fun to see what crazy back story my imagination can produce.

Don’t worry though. Like I said, I doubt I would ever use a fake boyfriend story on you. I’m a firm believer in good vibes and if you’re Future Hubby, well, you’re definitely going to have a good vibe that won’t make me cringe and run away. You probably also don’t drive a forklift and are a fan of taking showers daily.

However, I’m just making you well aware that if you ever do get tossed a “fake boyfriend story” by some other (stupid) girl, don’t be upset.  Just move on and keep going because clearly, you haven’t met me yet.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Avoid the Awkward Express

12 May

Dear Future Hubby,

You better not suck at flirting.

I like to think of myself as a pretty smart person. I’m not overly oblivious to things. I tend to pick up on goings on long before other people do.  So for the love of god, if you’re hitting on me, don’t make it so cryptic that I’m left wondering if you were just bored and trying to make conversation or if you were actually interested. Do I look like Miss Cleo or something? I can’t read your mind.

Awkward Express is now leaving the station

If you are interested, just grow some balls and get on with it. I know that sounds easier than it really is, but if you had been a little more straight forward, I may actually be ok with making the next move, not left wondering what the hell just happened.

The other night I went out to a bar to see a small concert and I ended up talking to this nice guy amongst a group of people I know.  Nothing too out of the ordinary right there. We talked about work, what we do, how we all know each other, how I’m moving at the end of the month, what the new place was like, etc. But when two of the people in our group moved off to talk about something else, I was left standing there with this guy and my soon to be new roomie, sipping my water and trying not to appear awkward.

Even if I had appeared awkward though, this guy clearly would have overshadowed me, both then and for the rest of the evening. We were all hold first class tickets on the Awkward Express.

Awkward Line #1: How are you liking your new place.

My response: Well, I’m moving in at the end of the month, but I love the area already.

My internal response: I’m sure I would be loving it if I had already moved in there, but I haven’t. We just talked about this. Remember? We were standing right over there. We spent at least 5 minutes on the new place, the story of how we just signed the lease and were moving in at the end of the month.  If you are hitting on me, try harder. You should at least remember things we already talked about. At least feign interest, thanks. End scene.

My soon to be new roomie and I went off to find a table to sit at, while he wandered over to sit along on the other side of the bar…until about half way through the show. I’m too busy rocking out to the music that I don’t even notice that he’s pulled his chair up to our table and is sitting next to us now. Um, why hello there. While the roomie was up in front of the stage taking photos of the band (she’s a kick ass photographer) he awkwardly leans over and delivers the next gem of the evening.

Awkward Line #2: How was the set before hand? Was she any good?

My response: Oh, we weren’t here for her.  We came in around nine.

My internal response: Dude, you walked in literally three minutes after us. You probably were walking down the street behind us and saw us scurrying along to avoid the random cold weather in May.  You hopped in to the beginning of our group conversation.  I had a full glass of water and the roomie had a full beer. We’re not exactly big drinkers on a school night so it’s not like we had been there since 6 PM pounding shots of whiskey.  This night couldn’t possibly get any weirder.

Oh, but it did.  After a few more minutes, he then moves from his seat to sit on the booth bench right next to me. Um, really? The place isn’t that crowded. It’s not like that was the last seat available in the place.  He could sit anywhere else.

Awkward Line #3: Is it just me or is it really cold in here?

My response: Yes, it is FREEZING in here!

My internal response: Thank god, I’m not crazy. It is bat shit crazy cold in here. But come on, that’s like talking to someone about the weather.  This is a concert. You don’t HAVE to make conversation with me. I didn’t come here to find Future Hubby, I came here to see the band.  You are under no obligation to actually talk to me while music is playing or otherwise. Can’t we just chill and enjoy the music?

This came up when i googled Awkward Flirting. Gay Eric is ALWAYS awkward. Don't be like him.

Perplexed, I sat there for the rest of the night trying to figure out what the hell was going on, especially after he bolted right when the show was over. Was he trying to talk to me or was he just being polite? While the awkward lines would allude to the polite theory and I honestly wouldn’t be sitting here writing this if that’s all it was. The fact that he moved closer with each line would be a case for the first theory and leaves me wondering.

If you are interested in me, don’t talk to me about the weather or things we already talked about. It’s confusing, especially if you are persistently moving closer to me.  You want to win me over, not creep me out entirely to the point where I block you on Facebook and avoid all social gatherings you will also be present at. I know it may seem daunting to have to talk to a girl. Believe me, girls feel the same way about talking to guys and not coming across like mumbling idiots. Just try to meet me half way though.  Give me something to work with other than awkward lines about a drafty bar and I’ll be more the willing to come up with something that’s hopefully not too awkward to respond with.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Don’t ruin the reunion

6 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Here’s the real reason you need to hurry up and appear out of thin air.

"Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood."

I have my 10 year high school reunion next year.  While half of my former classmates are married/have kids/still living back in the hood, I’m miles away living a rockstar life…but with no potential reunion date on the horizon. While this is ultimately not a BFD in real life, this is a HUGE fucking deal in high school reunion land. I’m one of those people who is excited to go to my 10 year high school reunion for the following reasons:

I no longer live in the town I grew up in: Me – 1, High School – 0. I actually got out of there, and am now living in Los Angeles after living in Chicago for four years. Both baller cities, both way better than spread out San Jose suburbia.

I have a kick ass job that non-LA people sometimes think is cool: Me – 2, High school – 0.  I’ve often contemplated writing a little blurb for my high school magazine telling everyone what I’m up to now and then ending it with something like “And I went to Insert A-List celeb here’s Halloween party. Suck it!” However, I’m just not the mean spirited, and waiting one more year gives me one more year to make my life even better. Plus my “Suck it!” comes across better in person than it does on paper. I’m kidding…sort of.

I look WAY better than I did in high school: Me – 3, High School – 0. Most people are the exactly opposite but if I showed you a picture of me now and a picture from high school, you’d totally be like “Daaaaaaamn, Gina!!!!!” It’s so dramatically different (in a good way) that I often get questioned at bars and by airport security because I don’t look like my license anymore. Clearly, I need to hit up the DMV.

The only thing missing from making my score an even four is you. I need to go in there and blow them all out of the water. As much as people say they are going to just to catch up with old friends, you know everyone goes to reunions to try and show up everyone else, all Romy and Michele style. I just don’t plan on saying I invented Post-Its or doing an interpretive dance to Cyndi Lauper.

While my three other points are great, so many of the people I went to high school with are going to walk in there with hot dates/boyfriends/husbands and I am currently failing in that department. I honestly think that the hot date/boyfriend/husband counts for 2-3 points based on the fact that his merits get added to yours.

They should have pictures like this for every reunion, stereotypes included

Someone who strolls in with their date and says “Hey, this is my boyfriend Tom and he works at the Piggly Wiggly” only gets ONE point. However, someone who walks in and says “Hey, this is my boyfriend Marc and he’s a rocket scientist who just got nominated for a Nobel Prize” clearly gets THREE points. Therefore, you not only need to show up to get me that crucial one point, but also, please have a cool job and/or story to tell about yourself so we can get extra points.

Plain and simple, bring you’re A-Game.  Get your ass in gear because you have only one year left before I cart you to San Jose and show you off to all my former classmates.  Sure, no one is actually walking around the reunion keeping score on a little card with golf pencil, but you better believe that everyone will be talking about each other the second they get in the car to go home. Didn’t Marsha look great? Didn’t Harry’s job seem amazing? That’s just the human nature of high school reunions, especially if you went to an all girls school, like me. Be prepared to see the claws come out.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Happy (Apartment) Hunting!

3 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Story of my life

So here’s the deal. When we start debating about moving in together, one of us needs own our dream home. Why? Because looking for an apartment slowly sucks the life out of you and I’d prefer to still be alive once we move in together.

For the past two weekends, I have been looking for a new apartment. As much as a heart the place I live now, it’s time to move on and find something new. Easier said than done. There are a lot of shitty places listed out there that sound amazing on craigslist, but when I actually go and see them…not so much.

I honestly can’t even count how many apartments I’ve seen in the past two weeks. All I know is that I’m beyond frustrated. This could all be remedied with being able to just buy a home, but sadly, that’s just as much as a long shot as Gaelic Gala is. By being able to have my own place, this could eliminate the following situations:

Being broke: Realizing that I cannot afford an apartment without living with someone else.
Creeptastic Landlords: Being shows apartments by uber creepy landlords who also want to show you THEIR apartment as well.
Gas Guzzling: Wasting tons of gas driving around Los Angeles looking for the “perfect” apartment.
Low Blood Sugar: Scheduling appointments back to back all day and forgetting to eat lunch. Me + low blood sugar = not a pretty picture.
No gym time: Having to look at so many apartments after work that I given up “me” time at the gym. I’ve been to the gym twice this week. Fail.
Packing/getting rid of shit: Plain and simple.
Driving a U-Haul: I suck at driving a U-Haul.
Movers: Not being able to afford them means you have to move yourself and that sucks the life out of you.
Searching: Constantly looking for “For Rent” sings, checking Craigslist, Westside Rentals, PadMapper, etc.

Insert Smurf or Harry Potter here

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally down to have a roommate and I probably will have one until I am either making bank or we move into together, but looking for apartments with someone else adds a whole new complexity to searching for an apartment. You have to find a place that is great for both of you. A place that hopefully has two decent sized bedrooms and not one MASSIVE bedroom and then a bedroom that a Smurf could live in or small room under a staircase ala Harry Potter. A place with two bathrooms, two parking spaces and in a neighborhood you both like and hopefully doesn’t smell like smoke or rotting food. Not finding said apartment just adds to the frustration that living in a fridge box on the corner sounds like a doable option by the end of the day.

Pretty much perfection

So for the love of god, when we meet or are dating and considering moving in together, please have already purchased a kick ass home. It doesn’t need to be crazy fancy or uber big.  Just a nice, simple, and some place to call home. Like this would be perfect. This will eliminate driving around LA looking for an apartment and getting frustrated with each other. I’d prefer to not have apartment hunting to actually cause our breakup. Let’s at least wait till we move in together and find more annoying habits each other has and THEN use that as a catalyst for a breakup. It’s more entertaining to say we broke up because you have a horrible addiction to watching old episodes of Love Connection and I like to bust down and have 3 AM dance parties to ‘N SYNC.

Xo,
Your Future Wife.

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