Tag Archives: Double Threat

Rules of Relationship Jinxing

9 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

Don't screw this up for me

You should probably be informed that I am very superstitious about relationships.  Really, when it comes down to it, it just means I’m ridiculously pessimistic about them (despite being a hopeless romantic – I like to blame romantic comedies for that). I have a very hard time believing or trusting that anything good can happen to me relationship-wise.  You can all go hate on Double Threat for causing that psychological issue.  Go ahead. Go yell at him. I’ll wait.

Sure, every once a while, a guy comes along to prove my entire theory wrong, but every time something does go wrong, I tend to equate it to breaking one of three rules below. I call these the Rules of Relationship Jinxing.  If I don’t want to jinx a relationship, I hold out as long as possible before breaking any of the three rules, because in my personal relationship history, I’ve discovered that breaking them just leads to disappointment.

1. Do NOT add a boy to your contacts to early in getting to know him. This is my major jinx rule because inevitably, it won’t work out and you have him sitting in your contacts as a reminder that it didn’t and  you’re still single. By just leaving him a number in your text messages and recent call list, he’s a nameless person. I have added several guys to my contacts before I should have and by doing so, I totally jinxed any future chance with them. Case in point? I once added a guy to my contacts who seemed like a sure bet and less than 12 hours later, he texted to say he had to reschedule our date. Yeah. He never reschedule and I immediately took him out of my contacts.

2. Do NOT tell your friends about him. Again, this is just giving the universe a reason to say “fuck you” and screw you over in the relationship department.  By telling my friends about a guy, you’re clearly invested in this relationship (or whatever it may be at that point) and you want your friends to be too. But what happens if it doesn’t work out? You not only have to live with the knowledge that if didn’t work out and possibly deal with your friends asking about him, bringing him up, and wondering (just like you are), why the hell you can’t just manage to have a normal relationship.

3. Do NOT tell you family about him. This is the last stronghold of the rules. This is way worse than telling your friends about a potential new guy because if you’re like me and single at 28, you’re already pressured enough by your family as to who you’re dating, when you’re getting married, etc. It’s bad enough that I have my 10 year old sister asking me when I’m getting married so she can be a bridesmaid. but having your parents or other family members ask on a continuous bases? Yeah. Nothing screams Christmas dinner fun more than being asked if I have a “hankering” for any boys. Side note: Don’t be friends with too many family members on Facebook, because then they’ll just ask you if every boy you’re pictured with is your new boyfriend. No, this is not 1955. I can have guys friends.

Get me to feel comfortable breaking one, two or hell, even all three of those rules means I must actually trust you and like you enough to risk being disappointed if and/or when it doesn’t work out. If you want any shot of being future hubby, this quite possibly might be your first test and one of the hardest. I definitely still have guys that I refuse to add to my contacts even after I’ve gone out with them several times.

Consider this your mission. And don’t do anything else to jinx our relationship in the meantime, cause shit, if you’re getting me to break all these rules I have, I don’t even want to know what it’s doing to my relationship karma.

Xo
Your Future Wife

Becoming the back up plan

23 May

Dear Future Hubby,

What if you’re my Back Up Plan? No, I’m not talking about that stupid J.Lo movie (which yes, I may have actually watched this past weekend butitwasontvsoitsnotlikeipaidmoneyforit) but I’m talking about a relationship back up plan. You know, when you go through your teens, your twenties, you thirties, hell, you whole life, dating around, trying to find “The One,” when in the back of your mind there’s that guy who, let’s face it, if you don’t find anyone else, he’s definitely your go to guy.

The ONLY reason to see The Back Up Plan

Whether you think you’re going to end up with him despite all the lamespices you date, you’re just going to settle and choose him, or you two have already made a mutual decision to “marry at the age of ____ if no one better comes along,” we all that that one person that we could definitely see ourselves ending up with, regardless of any premeditated mutual deal or one sided decision.

In college I was way convinced that no matter how many fights we had, no matter the good times or the bad, at the end of the day I’d end up with Double Threat. I got over that after grad school when we finally stopped all non-drunk communication. It was a comforting idea though, that no matter how lame of a guy I may be dating in college, it was all going to be okay and it really didn’t matter because I was just going to end up with him.

Until now, I haven’t had another back up plan, unless you count all those drunken girl talks about how I was totally going to end up with my chosen celebrity crush of the moment. That was until a few months ago when JAA-Rule decided that based on my interaction/connection/past with My Favorite Mistake, he was my new back up plan. She was convinced that whether it is in the near future or even five years from now, he was going to wake up one day and realize that despite our issues from our college years, we were perfect together. I thought she was off her rocker until she then felt the need to share her opinion with one of our other friends (who knows MFM pretty well) and she just so happened to agree. I guess that we had been spending more time together lately, including parties, dinners, clam bakes, light switch raves, and random, unprovoked interactions that have absolutely know significance on the current situation and really only amounted to “shooting the shit.” I guess they might have a point. Maybe I’d make him a little more exciting; he’d make me a little less over the top. Then again…maybe not.

Please make sure you're wearing this when we meet

As nice as it is to have a back up plan, you know, in case all my plans to marry any hot celebrities fall through, I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the idea that MFM may in fact be a legit back up plan. I tend to be slightly oblivious to flirting and connections with guys, so maybe my friends see something I don’t. Or maybe I just can’t ever look him in the face without thinking (even if it’s just for a moment) of our past dramz. Either way, this new thought has led me back to saving people to my favorite’s list on okcupid in hopes that MFM isn’t really a back up plan.

Clearly, both this idea and MFM = back up plan are both doomed to fail given that oh yeah, I hate internet dating and oh yeah, I still cringe year later when thinking about all that past college relationship immature drama with MFM. So please just help me out and show up so I don’t have to think about actually having to have a back up plan. I’d greatly appreciate it.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Psychic predictions…or lack thereof

6 Dec

Dear Future Hubby,

When December rolls around, all the favorite television shows start to go on the holiday hiatus and I’m forced to watch ridiculously bad shows or DVD box sets until new episodes come on in January. When I say “bad shows” I don’t mean like What Not To Wear or RW/RR Challenges. No, no. I mean really bad. Like Giuliana and Bill. Yeah. That’s right. I admitted it. I recently got sucked into an episode of Giuliana and Bill and while I would like to bill the Style network and make them give me back one hour of my life, the episode actually made me think of you.

This is clearly the psychic I need to go to

Yes, I know that’s odd and sounds a little crazy, but hear me out. During the episode I was watching Giuliana have drinks with some girlfriends and of course they end up talking about guys.  Nothing out of the ordinary here, until one of her friends mentions that she had recently gone to a psychic who told her that she was going to end up with someone she already knew. My reaction? Shit. What if that happens to me?

Going to the psychic part would be cool, yes, and my friend Val and I have made it our goal to hopefully go to one after the New Year, but ending up with someone I already know? I immediately start going through my list of single guy friends and trying to figure out how much Future Hubby potential they actually have?

Double Threat : He still live all the way across the country. He still rarely talks to me unless he gets drunks and sees our freshman year English professor. I secretly have always hoped that one day he’d show up on my door step and say “I’m an idiot. I screwed up. I want to be with you” and then I’d go around the corner and do a little dance like Laura Linney does in Love, Actually when she’s about to bag Rodrigo Garcia.  However, recently DT even forgot my birthday: an event that no matter how long it’s been since we’ve communicated, he always called or texted on. FH Potential: 10%

J-Squared: He also still live all the way across the country (anyone else seeing a pattern here?) but I have to give the guy credit. He has that sixth sense about when I had just about forgotten him and popped back up. Well done, you. However, flirting is all it’s ever been and even though I did marry him in a random game of MASH that Val and I played on Saturday night (don’t judge) I don’t have bleached blond hair, a fake tan, and fake boobs, which is exactly his type based off of every picture I’ve ever seen of him with other girls. FH Potential: 15%

Premiere Pal: Currently dating someone else, currently still sending mixed signals, currently still incredibly dense. He’s quickly turning into another an emotional pseudo-boyfriend, which sorry, the role has already been filled in my life, so thanks for playing. However, the currently sending mixed signals gives me a minor glimmer of hope that one day, he might change his mind. FH Potential: 30%

Emotional Psuedo-Boyfriend: Been dating someone else for almost a year and we’re too the point now that he annoys me half the time. We’d probably kill each other within the first 10 minutes. FH Potential: 3%

My Favorite Mistake: A really, really “poor life choice” from my college years who has oddly enough turned into a pretty decent friend. Out of all the above, he’s probably 3rd in the Friend competition and that’s only behind Premiere Pal and EPB.  Sad thing is, said poor life choice has put me in the position that I would never ever admit it IF I started to like him again and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. FH Potential: 11%

I'm sad for myself that I watched this

Clearly, if I walk into the psychic and hear what the girl on G&B heard, I’d probably laugh in her face. Out of the above, the highest percentage anyone got was 30% and if someone is going to be FH, we’re going to need to get above the 50% mark. However, there could be some truth to it, especially since I’d ideally like to date someone who I’ve been friends with first. Damn you G&B for making me A: seriously debate about going to a psychic and B: planting a seed of doubt in my head about every single guy friend I have.

If you are somebody I already know, well, at least you probably aren’t shocked by my admitting to watching Giuliana and Bill. You most likely already know that and if we’re still friends even after that, you just earned even more brownie points.  There might just be hope for you yet.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Trying to retain the Current Crush crown

27 Oct

Dear Future Hubby,

I’m not a fan of how guys know the exact moment that you have stopped thinking about them/giving a shit about them. It’s some hidden sixth sense that I’m sure you have and I’d appreciate it if you never used it on me since it’s beyond frustrating to have you (or any other guy I have on my brain) just pop up after I have 99.9% forgotten that they exist.

Sorry, the Current Crush crown has been passed

I don’t know how all guys posses this sixth sense. I’m sure there is a secret control room somewhere that flashes a red light at the exact moment a girl forgets about a guy. Then all the guys of the world congregate to come up with the most absurd, random, out of the blue way they can pop back up to ensure that they are not forgotten. Said guy is then sent off into the world to make sure that all attention is once again on them. Congratulations. You win. I remember you’re alive. I remember why I liked you to begin with. Now either stop dicking around and ask me out or just disappear while I go into the witness protection program for the next time the red alarm flashes and you have come up with some new way to weasel your way back into my consciousness.

Double Threat is/was awesome at this.  The hardest of them all to forget and literally a couple weeks after I pretty much did, insert random text conversation about our English professor. And just in case I happen to even slightly forget him, there’s always my birthday and Christmas, which comes complete with a generic text message. Gee, thanks. This past weekend, J-Squared (aka Current Crush) chatted me up out of the blue. Literally a week after I had met someone else who was on their way to replacing him as the new Current Crush. Really? You were so pissed you were going to lose your title, that you just had to pop in to say hello? Needless to say this was a complete shock…yet, somewhere deep down, I was secretly happy. Sue me, I’m a sucker for male attention. Especially when it comes from a guy I like.

Someone's a little too late to the party

Forget the fact that I haven’t really talked to him or seen him about four months, but there I was. Spending an hour of my Saturday afternoon catching up with him.  This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I had reached out to him, but it was the other way around. He reached out to me. I was pretty positive he had forgotten I was alive, much like I was hoping to at some point forget he was alive. I assume he had just come from his secret meeting where he determined the best way to reenter my life and ensure his Current Crush status was in place. I was so proud of myself for finally getting over him and here I am, back to the beginning of liking him all over again.  His flirting did absolutely nothing to help this.

So DFH, cut me some slack. If the “she’s forgotten about you” red light goes off for you, don’t take this as your sign to just show back up for a couple weeks before disappearing again. Take this as your sign to get your ass in gear and tell me you like me too or cut me loose and let me bestow the Current Crush crown on someone else.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Dial the digits

5 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Don’t ask for my number unless you’re actually planning on calling me.

Desperate much?

Why? Because it takes every ounce of trust in me to even give out my number in the first place. I’m totally that girl that is scared that by giving out her number, she is completely setting herself up for disappointment. What if he doesn’t call? What if he doesn’t text? What if he’s creepy and calls and then just breathes into the phone like a serial killer in an Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie? What if he accidentally butt dials me because my name starts with an A and he didn’t actually mean to call me at all? Fail. If you don’t want my number, don’t be polite and ask for it anyway. That’s a shit cop out move and I’m not a fan of it. Only ask for it if you have a reason. Like you need to borrow a dvd or you need to text me the address to a house party you heard about. Not if I’m going to collect dust amongst a sea of Mindy’s and Melissa’s in your phone. So why even ask for it if it’s just going to take up space in your address book?

What do guys do with all the numbers or any personal information they accumulate but never actually follow through and use? Use the numbers to start their own Sudoku game? See what the coolest number combination they can come up with are? Take the numbers to a psychic to see if our phone numbers make us compatible? Map out how far apart you two live and if it’s more that 2.4 miles, then you guys clearly can’t date?

Second date with Music Guy clearly never happened, which now looking back on, I think I wanted to like him more than I actually did like him. But he asked for my address because he was going to try and come to my house warming party. He didn’t. So why did he even ask for it?  Unless he’s mentally 7 years old and his idea of Friday night fun is a rousing game of Ding Dong Dutch or he’s going to throw a bag of dog poo against my door ala Can’t Buy Me Love, I don’t see the point in him wanting that info.

How much do I love that this is real?

Then out of the blue, Double Threat sends me a personal Facebook message saying he lost his phone and needs my number. Um, newsflash, unless you plan on spotting our English professor again randomly, I don’t see any world where you actually call me/text me.  We haven’t spoken in three years. I talk to my tailor more than a talk to you and I’m a jeans and converse girl. That should give you an idea of how often I actually have to go to the tailor. Don’t get my hopes up. You already did that once already in college and look where it got me.

So if you want my phone number, sure, fine. I promise I won’t give you the Rejection Hotline like I used to give out in college. I’ll actually give you my number as part of my goal to put myself out there and trust guys more. But please don’t make me regret it. Actually call me. I may not pick up. You may have to leave a message. But if you get past that step, you’ll definitely be worthy of a call back, just for trusting me enough to actually return the call.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Out of the blue outreach, Double Threat style

7 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

If we ever break up for an amount of time and then stop talking for years (yes, years), don’t expect me to just be jumping for joy/wanting to make out with you if you reach out to me out of the blue. I will probably be in shock, speechless, confused, and honestly probably a little angry. Please note that none of these emotions are ones that I like to experience on a daily basis, let alone all at the same time. But come Friday evening, there I was, fresh out of the shower and ready to start my night when my see that I have a text message. Thinking it’s from KHiggers telling me she’s run into her crush at a bar or one of my friends here in LA confirming plans for Saturday, I took a look. Oh no. It was neither of the above.  It was the Double Threat.

What up, Double Threat?

Yes, you read that right. The Double Threat. Back from the (almost) dead and blowing up my phone on a Friday night. I felt like I was back in college about to get some drunk “I’m at McGee’s and I don’t want to walk home, can you come pick me up?”

I preface the rest of this letter with the fact that I know it sounds angry. I don’t normally like to be an angry person, but this brought up a lot of anger.  Please try your best not to make me this angry or pull this shit on me. I type really hard on the keyboard when I’m angry and am afraid I will break it. I don’t have the money to buy a new keyboard, so spare me the $25 bucks or whatever.

Apparently the universe must have heard me mention him last week and thought it would be fun to play a cruel trick of the emotion type on me.  Really?  He decides to make an appearance right around the time where I’m basically over him, don’t give a shit anymore, and had put my “last attempt to maintain a friendship” letter out there over EIGHT months ago. I honestly didn’t know what to make of the random reach out.  While part of me was just a tiny bit excited to hear from him (I’m a romantic at heart, give me a break), it took a lot of will power not to angrily yell at him over text as to why he had so much trouble maintain a friendship over the past three years.  I did my best to bury that anger (though that always seems to come to the forefront of my mind when he makes an appearance) and just have a normal conversation with him. I’m too much of a pushover to ignore the text completely.


Double Threat: I saw Eric fucking P. today! (side note: Eric P. was our English professor Freshman year. We met in his class)
Me: Holy shit, are you kidding me?!?! Is his hair still crazy and was he wearing an oversized suit?
Double Threat: Steel coffee mug in hand, same suit, looked at me like three times.
Me: He was probably like “I think I talked with that kid on a bench one time. Oh wait, I always talk to kids on benches.” Where did you see him?
Double Threat: Fullerton and Clark. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Same glasses, too.
Me: He’s stuck in 2001. We all grew up, he’s holding on to the memories of teaching class on the McGraw lawn when the power was out. That’s so crazy that you saw him, though really, it’s kind of hard to miss him.
Double Threat: Brought back so many memories….I miss you. (Really?!?!? You had to go there?!?!)
Me: I miss you too. A lot. We should talk more. Did you hear that John Wooden passed away tonight? I thought of you when I heard. So sad. (Yeah, I’m clearly a pushover)
Double Threat: Too consumed on these blackhawks. Are we facebook friends?
Me: We’ve been facebook friends since my senior year.
Double Threat: Blackhawks? I’m fucking crazy about them.
Me: Yeah, well aware. I kinda figured that out when you went to a game freshman year and I stayed home to write our paper.
Double Threat: I was just talking to my brother about that…Didn’t I get a better grade than you?
Me: Haha, yes and I was very bitter. Luckily I majored in film and not…whatever subject that paper was on. Can we talk some time? Like really talk?
Double Threat: Sure.
Me: You’ll actually answer the phone if I call you?
Double Threat: Well, not tonight.
Me: Ha, well I wasn’t planning on calling you tonight. I meant in general, like if I called later this weekend.
Double Threat: Beers (Typical DT answer, ugh. 100% avoiding the actual question and topic of conversation. Why did I expect anything different?)
Me: Ha well guess that’s my answer. Enjoy your beer and Blackhawks.
Double Threat: :-)

Needless to say, my Friday night was kind of a bust after this. I wanted to sit there and reenact “Really?!?! with Seth & Amy” from SNL because only that’s all I could say. Really?!?!? Really?!?!?! Excuse me while I got walk around speechless for a minute and come back and yell “Really?!?!” I called KHiggers (who was drunk at a bar, so proud of that, btw) to tell her and even her reaction was “Really?!?!” Two days later, I’m still in “Really?!?” mode. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to try and reach out to him. If he doesn’t pick up, nothing has changed. If he does, it’s opening up a whole other can of worms that I had previously buried. I’m not sure if it will be entirely productive if we actually do talk. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for out of an actual conversation with him. I already got the “I messed up with us/I screwed up” I had been waiting for years ago.

Whoops, my bad.

It’s been three years. I’ve moved on. I’ve learned to live my life without him. If you had asked me four years ago if I could imagine not having him in my life, I would have said no. Now, I can absolutely say yes. It just becomes harder to say yes, when despite my ability to live on my own, without him, that little part of me would still like him around. Anger aside, I’d like my best friend back, please.

Moral of the (fucked up) story. If we ever break up and you decide to cut me out of your life, actually follow through with it. Don’t come back three years later acting like nothing has happened. Either come back, say your sorry, say you fucked up, and have a ring with you, or just let me live my life in (relative) peace. Clearly, I should have just grown a backbone and ignored the text.

This angry (not towards you, FH) letter has been brought to you by the letter U, G, and H.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

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