Tag Archives: First Impressions

Seriously, get your shit together

28 Dec

Dear Future Hubby,

Let’s get one thing straight. I’m a pretty picky girl when it comes to the guys I date. You’ve got to really impress me or win me over to get me to even agree to go out for a drink or coffee with you. Sure, I may be limiting myself, but at the same time, I know what I want and I know who I’m going to be comfortable with. But no offense, if you still live with your parents, have never paid rent, and at the age of 28 are just now getting your first job, I’m going to go “Seriously? WTF?”.

Where do I even begin?

In early December, I had another first date (in the ever growing serious of odd/bad first dates) with someone who seemed like he could be a winner. Seemed nice, funny, was cute, etc. Cut to date night when I’m sitting at the coffee shop and we’re discussing what we do in our careers and no joke, this guy tells me he’s a funeral director. Now, it’s not necessarily a thing that would make me say no way to a second date (though I did have to bite my lip to keep from busting out laughing – especially since he was WAY to happy to be a funeral director) but it was the information that came out after that.  Turns out, he was still living with his parents, and had never had to pay rent (boo hoo for you, life’s hard), had never had to get a job before the age of 28, and his parents still paid all his bills for him.

While it may not seem like a big deal to some people, the more I thought about it after I went home, the more it was a huge deal breaker for me. I realized for one of the first times that not everyone I go out with is going to be on the same life path as me and have a purpose and direction with their life. I had to start looking for someone who actually had some life experience, because honestly, that’s what I’m looking for. I’m looking for someone who has some passion, some drive, some purpose, and knows how to be their own person.  This guy still lived at home and had his parents pay for everything. I have been living on my own since I went to college at 17 and paying all of my own bills, including student loans, since I left college and went to grad school at 21. It blew my mind that this guy had never seen a credit card bill, let alone an electric or gas bill, in his entire life. This guy had never had to go through the horror of finding an apartment to rent. It was crazy that this guy didn’t get a job until he was 28 – not because he had to, but just because he was bored being at home during the day and having nothing to do with his life.  Seriously, get a job or at least an interesting hobby.

I’m a very independent person and while this might scare off some guys, I do know there are guys out there that can appreciate a girl who can fend for herself, have her own life, her own friends, and just know how to get shit done. I’m not one of those girls that sits at home at night, waiting for her boyfriend to call her or text her. I’m not looking for a guy for my life to revolve around. I can appreciate and enjoy a guy who takes care of me but I’m looking for a guy who can fit into my life, and I can fit into his, given some compromises on both sides. Not to say I’m looking for someone who is the most independent person ever, but someone who has some life experience, knowledge, ambition, and focus would be great.

So please try and have your shit together. I know I’m picky, but I’m really not asking for much.  Just had a steady job, some life experience, live on your own or with roommates (just not your parents), and make your own way in life.  Hell, even if you’re a funeral director, as long as we connect and you’ve got your life together semi-together, you might just have a chance at a second date.

Xo

Your Future Wife

Constantly in communication

7 Nov

Dear Future Hubby,

In a relationship, it’s always nice to have good communication. It’s always nice to stay in touch, even if it’s just a daily text, email, phone call, message via carrier piegeon. What isn’t nice though is text, calls, emails. All day. Every day. Esepcially, if you haven’t even met me yet and we’ve haven’t even gone on our first date.

Don't be that guy

Welcome back to the land of the okcupid first date. Frist date land has been pretty uneventful as of late, until this past week, where I had the misfortune of agreeing to go on a date with Too Much Texting. As things generally do in okcupid first date land, our emails back and forth to one another started off well enough, especially since he brought up Brian Wilson in the first message. Word the wise, best way to get my attention in my quest to find Future Hubby? Mention my Dream Future Hubby in your first message to me. I will clearly give you a shot if you can carry on a conversation about Brian Wilson and his beard.

By last Wednesday, we had exchanged numbers, he had called and we had set up our first date. My first indication this was going to end badly was that he kept me on the phone for 20 minutes, during the work day, and then tried to keep me on the phone even longer with a “So can you keep talking?” Don’t you have a life? Sorry, I have a job and I kind of need to get back to it. Second issue. He wanted to go to UCB for our first date. Number one, I’ve never been a huge fan of improv. Number two, what happened to the hey, let’s grab a drink or coffee first date? I agreed to go anyway.

Cut to the next day, when at 10 AM, I get a general “have a good day, what do you have going on?” text from him. Not wanting to be rude, I texted back. This then turned into him texting me all day, about once every two minutes, about the most random shit. Then I stupidly at one point mentioned I was really good at movie and tv trivia, which prompted him to just continue texting me trivia questions. My personal favorite that made me go “I need to cancel this date/this guy is weirding me out/kill me now” moment: What was eating Gilbert Grape? Oh. My. God.

Meet me BEFORE you become a crazy texter

The texting continued even when I didn’t respond, along with phone calls, followed by more texting the next day. Was this guy aware that he hadn’t even met me yet? He could meet me and end up hating me. Was he aware that you’re supposed to play hard to get? It’s not just for girls, dude. By Friday night, I had cancelled. Well, I had come up with some excuse to get me out of it for the time being. Yeah, I know. Chicken shit move. If anyone asks, I’m in NC for work.

So FH, please keep this in mind when making first date plans with me. If you text me incessantly and ask me dumb trivia questions, I’m going to want to cancel. I’m going to make up some lame excuse as to why I can’t go out with you anymore. Do you really want to be the next Text Too Much? That’s right, I didn’t think so.

Not to say I don’t love the attention and a text or call every now and then, but at least wait until you’ve met me, decided you like me enough in person to WANT to call or text me, and then go from there. It’s a best way to ensure I don’t “have to go to North Carolina for work” or schedule another, normal “let’s grab a coffee” date in your place which, yes, I’ve already done.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Back off the booze

21 Sep

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a lush. I’m all for the consumption of alcohol in moderation, but If I wanted to date an alcoholic, I’d at least find one who was a famous celebrity or something so that way I at least have a chance to end up on Perez Hilton.

Just another Wednesday...

Lately I have found myself in a land I like to call “first date hell.”  I’ve taken it upon myself to kick my own ass into gear and start making shit happen. And when I say making shit happen, I mean finally agreeing to go out with some guys, be set up on blind dates (gasp, shock, horror) and confront my fears.  One thing that always seems to make any first date go a little easier is a drink and let me tell you, that’s the first thing I order if I’m out at dinner or a bar for that initial meeting.  Soothes the nerves and adds a little more confidence. However, I limit myself to one, maybe two drinks, at most.  This cannot be said for one of my most recent first date cohort.

 

A few weeks ago, I agreed to meet some guy I had been talking to on okcupid for a drink at Mandrake in Culver City. No, I’m not a hipster. It just happens to be close to my apartment. We had been emailing for a couple of weeks so clearly, going out was the next natural step.  He seemed cool enough, interesting enough, sarcastic enough (I have a standard when it comes to humor/sarcasm that my guys need to have), so the date should have gone well, right? Wrong.

 

After settling into the back patio with a drink (beer for me, whiskey on the rocks for him) we began to chat and it became apparent to me that we not only had nothing in common but he seemed like a high functioning alcoholic. In between finding out that he doesn’t watch TV (I am best friends with my tivo), likes heavy metal rock (I just vomited in my mouth), and doesn’t like sports (how can you not love Brian Wilson?), he proceeded to yammer on about what types of whiskey he likes, what his favorite bars are, how he had to move within walking distance of his favorite bar, how he impulse buys when he’s drunk (and buys weird shit like real samurai swords and a penguin suit), and how he knows all the bartenders at his favorite bar. Never mind the fact that while we talked about all this super duper fascinating alcohol talk, he downed three whiskeys on the rocks and I was struggling to keep up by drinking beer.

Not that kind of peguin suit...

While he did have a decent, steady job, I just couldn’t overlook the fact that this guy clearly had some issues. Apparently he didn’t realize he was on a date with a girl who is a total lightweight and doesn’t drink more than one to two drinks a week, unless there’s an event going on. Apparently he also didn’t realize that discussing how shitfaced you get on an almost daily basis is not what you should be talking about on a first date. Turn off.

 

So please keep this in mind for our first date. Don’t booze it up. Don’t get shitfaced. Don’t talk about getting shitfaced. Don’t tell me about how you had to disable one-click shopping on Amazon because you impulse buy when drunk. Don’t point out that you’re best friends with the bartender. I have my own life to handle. I don’t need to be dating someone who’s life revolves around when they are going to get to drink next. I don’t care how great of a job you may have. Or how funny you might be.

 

Oh yeah, and don’t tell me you don’t like baseball and that you’re going to go home and play video games after our date. Cause if the whole high function alcoholic thing wasn’t enough to turn me off, that certainly is the next best thing to say to ensure you will be promptly deleted from my phone.

 

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Tone down the texting

30 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

If you’re not interested, don’t text me back. I’m a big girl. I can take a hint. I’ll get it. No text back equals you not being interested. Every girl has been there. Every girl knows that what it means.  So why keep texting me back if you’re not interested, not going to make a move, and have no interest in pursuing anything further than our brief random chance meeting?

Yeah, this is going to stop now, kthnxbye

I’ve been holding off an discussing this for fear of jinxing myself in case something actually DID develop from all this but as a month or so has now gone by, I feel it is time to make this legit blog material. I recently met a guy. Code Name? Hometown Hottie. I met HH at a bar a few weeks back and not going to lie, we hit it off, talking most of the night about how we’re both from the same town (hence the code name), movies, the effect of social networking on the world, deep shit, clearly. Plus, the icing on the cake for me was when he told me his favorite sport is tennis, just like me. Dude. No ones favorite sport is tennis unless you play it or you grew up with a crush on Andy Roddick.  Clearly, he was a winner. Numbers exchanged, but when I left, I had a sneaking suspicion I’d never hear from him again.

Apparently, my gut instinct on that was wrong. Cut to 2 AM and I’m getting ready for bed when my phone goes off. Right off the bat, I thought it was one of my friends texting to make sure I got home ok, but oh no. It was HH telling me it was nice to meet me and he wanted to see e again some time. This then started a 2 hour texting session where he proceeded to tell me he liked me (ditto!), he wanted to see me again (ditto!), he had thought about kissing me at the bar (I’m not one to object), etc. I can’t even remember what time I finally fell asleep.

Four days later and there had been no word from HH. So, being the strong, independent woman that I am, I text him and low an behold he texts me back. Insert another hour long texting conversation about nothing overly spectacular except the fact that he didn’t take the bait I dangled out there to see if he’d ask me to do something over the week. But why would he text me back if he didn’t have any interest? This occasional texting continued over the next couple of weeks or so until finally dying off over a week ago because dude, I have better shit to do than text with you while waiting to see if you’re going to want to get together again. If the first text was a courtesy text, great, I appreciate it, but you don’t have to keep carrying on a conversation with me. It’s a nice gesture but complete unnecessary. You don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings. Like I said before, I’m a big girl. I can handle the disappointment.

I refuse to wear one of these unless you buy me a drink

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but grow some balls and just blow me off. I’m okay with it. I’d rather be blown off than strung along thinking “Wait, but what about all that shit you said the night we met?” If you’re busy, I get it, but just say so. If you’re not interested, just say so or again, don’t say anything at all.  I have no problem walking away as evident by the fact that it’s been over a week since we last texted and I’m completely over it.

So please take this as a friendly reminder. If you get my number and actually text me, please make sure you’re interested. Please don’t tell me you like me or want to see me again or that you thought about kissing me. I’ve learned after 27 years not to get my hopes up too much, but like any girl who hears things like that, hopes gets raised just a little. And if I’m going to go so far as to raise my hopes even a little, than something at least better come of this other than being a serious time suck and contributing to my eventual on set of carpal tunnel or Blackberry thumb.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Primping for a purpose

25 Feb

Dear Future Hubby,

I know you’re not psychic or anything. If you were, you would have figured out by now that we’re supposed to be together by consulting your brain, or a magic eight ball, or Dream phone or something.  But clearly you’re not and Dream Phone is just collecting dust in closet.  So since you’re not going to go all Ms. Cleo on me, but do me a favor. If you RSVP for a party, actually show up, because careful thought, planning, time, and money go into me getting ready to go to a party where you will be. Actually, just RSVP to begin with so I know right out of the gate if I need to make an effort.

This takes time and effort

Every girl will admit that if we are going out to a party or bar where we think a guy we like is going to be, we put way more effort into how we look. Taking another shower. Putting make up on. Putting contacts in if we wear glasses. Shaving our legs. Using fabulous smelling lotion as opposed to just the regular stuff. Busting out the best perfume we have. Straightening our hair. Standing in front of our closet for an absurd amount of time trying to determine what to wear. Changing said outfit when we decide it’s not good enough. Really, you can see how much planning goes into putting ourselves together if we think we’re going to see you.

A couple of weeks ago, I was going to a friends party when I realized that without even thinking about it, I was primping as if a boy I liked was going to be there. Ok, I’ll admit it. My Favorite Mistake was going to be there. Sure, he’s just a friend, but for some reason, any time I know he’s going to be some place I go, I tend to go through the Party Primping routine as if something is actually going to happen with us. Spoiler aleart: Nothing ever does and nothing ever will.

Regardless, there I was at the party, boozing it up, talking with friends, and MFM was no where insight.  Didn’t he know that I had spent at least an hour and a half getting ready between a bath, clothes, make up, hair, etc.? If he wasn’t going to be there, I could have just gone in my converse, jeans, and glasses and called it a day. Also, make up is expensive. I did not waste precious, valuable, expensive make up, applying it for a party that he apparently wasn’t going to show up to.  Clearly, my inner monologue over this must have gotten through to him some how because he finally did show up, so my efforts were not in total vain.  Thanks, MFM.

"He looks good in whatever he wears."

This goes both way though or ultimately backfires. What if I hadn’t taken the time to look presentable for some event and then you happen to show up. Something tells me you might be talking to the leggy blonde in the corner instead of me. Or I could simply be forgetful and totally forget that I may have an opportunity to see a crush. For example, woke up this morning and dressed weather appropriate which in southern California when it’s raining means jeans and Uggs. Add a blah top, a scarf, and my glasses, it’s a pretty ok outfit. It wasn’t until halfway to work that I remembered that I could potentially have a legit run in with one of my celeb crushes today. And not just a daydream “Oh wouldn’t it be great if whatshisname shows up in line behind me during lunch?” No. We’re talking more than 50% chance that I would run into him at work today. Clearly if I had remembered this, I would have put WAY more thought into outfit choice today.

So do me a favor. If you’re invited to a party or bar of social gathering of any type that I will be at, please RSVP so I know if I need to put in some serious effort. Or a text would be nice reminding me that I will be seeing you and should remember not to wear pajamas outside or just letting me know you’re TOTALLY looking forward to seeing me said social gathering. Because really…what guy wouldn’t be totally looking forward to seeing a girl who can reference Dream Phone and Ms. Cleo all in the same blog post?

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Probably shouldn’t play it cool

12 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

You’re going to have to make it crystal freaking clear if you like me because I’ve realized I suck at making it crystal freaking clear if I like you. This is clearly an issue. While I may find myself attracted to masters of the mixed signal (Premiere Pal, anyone?) am I perhaps also sending mixed signals, or even worse, no signal at all?

Stop playing it cool, you're getting flowers

As I was leaving work last night, I got a text from a newish male friend of mine, Geek Chic, asking if I had a book we had discussed last time we spoke and could I drop it off at his office on the way home. Lucky for me, I had exactly what he was looking for in my car and his office was right on my route home. We had been talking more and more lately, which like any single girl, led me to start to develop a minor crush on him, or at least entertain the possibility of a minor crush on him. I’ve been trying to decipher Geek since I was first introduced to him by a work friend and of course this includes the following: Is he single? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he gay? I still haven’t come up with answers to either question, but I’m still hoping answers will present themselves.

As I pulled out the book for him, I felt the butterflies, daydreamed about if this was just his ploy to ask me out for dinner or a drink, and how I would do my best to flirt with him when I handed over the book. What did I do? I failed. I completely utterly failed. I walked into his office, dropped off the book, acted as if it was no big deal, told him if he needed anything else to let me know, and then left. No extraneous conversation. No flirting. No nothing. I “played it cool” and just walked away after a whopping 15 second interaction. I didn’t even give myself a fighting chance. Please explain to me how on earth I’m supposed to find a boyfriend let alone a future hubby in this world if all seem to do is “play it cool”? 27 years of playing it cool hasn’t really gotten me anywhere so why do I keep doing it?

It’s not like this is a one time instance too. On the rest of the ride home, I thought about how I tend to do that with most of the guys I like in my life or even ones I just meet or see in passing. I once met a guy at the bar, really hit it off with him, talked for a couple of hours, but when he asked me if I was okay to drive home (which I was) or if I needed a ride, I said I was okay to drive myself. It wasn’t until a few days later that I though maybe had a responded differently, he would had asked for my number or to see me again. My playing it cool/being completely oblivious that he may be interested in more than just my safety getting home was lost on me. I also totally check out the hot guys in the Starbucks line every morning. But all I do is look. Would it kill me to smile? See if I get a smile back? It won’t kill me to be friendly and smile and who knows what a smile could lead to? At least it’s me putting myself out there with a smile that says “hello” but could also say “you look pretty good for 8 AM without having a cup of coffee.”

Actually, don't do something this stupid

Moral of the story. I suck at making my feelings or intentions known, so please keep this in mind when dealing with me Just trust me when I say I’m working on it. Hopefully the more comfortable with you I become, the easier it will be for me to NOT play it cool, to smile at you, to not walk away after 15 seconds, to flirt with back. But just in case, if you want to tattoo your feelings or intentions on your forehead first, that’d be greatly appreciate. Sure, it may hurt a little, but it’s probably less painful than watching me try and play it cool.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Select a freaking status!

8 Nov

Dear Future Hubby,

I can't believe I'm thanking a dude that wears sandals like that

I’d like to personally thank Mark Zuckerberg for inspiring this post. Yes. That’s right. Not you, but the Zuck, who is no doubt up in Palo Alto creating more useless ways to make Facebook more addicting while counting his billions Scrooge McDuck style.  Regardless, the Zuck has made it ridiculously easy for all mankind (at least the ones who believe in FB) to find out if A: the person they have a thing for is single or taken and B: if said person would even be interested in you to begin with.  That being said, I sincerely hope you not only have a Facebook account (this will make stalking each other during the early relationship stages much easier), but also that you take the time to help a girl out and update your “Relationship Status” and your “Interested In” sections.

I’m (almost) 27 years old. I do not have time to figure out if you have a girlfriend or not. I don’t have time to figure out if my gaydar is failing me. My life is already busy enough, so please don’t make me hunt around, all super spy style to try and figure these things out.

I’ve recently acquired two new guy friends. I say acquired cause it sounds like I picked them up at the flea market while purchased some vintage nightstands.  I met neither at a flew market, but it just makes them seem even that much cooler than they are. Both are good looking guys and I’m sorry, but when you’re (almost) 27 and hopelessly single, you can’t help but look at any guy you meet as a prospective Future Hubby. Even if they prove you wrong in the first thirty seconds.

Both newly acquired friends though kept me guessing for a while. While one was clearly straight and a total ladies man, his ability to flirt and make me feel like I was the most important girl in the room threw me off. For a few days, I actually thought “Hmmm, could Preppy McPrepperson really be in to me?” Sadly, once we became Facebook friends, I was informed he had a girlfriend. A long term girlfriend. Back to the drawing board we go. I would like to thank him thought to utilizing the Zuck’s idea to make it easier for me. I’m glad I did not waste more than a couple of days looking at Preppy as a potential male suitor, though I will admit he will always be easy on the eyes, girlfriend or not.

This screen IS your friend

Other newly acquired friend, Sir Laughs A Lot, isn’t as much of a fan of the Zuck’s idea though, despite having an FB profile. While Sir Laughy is clearly awesome, fun, and excellent at making me feel special, I was still torn between trying to figure out if he was gay or not. Certain things made me say yes, certain things made me say no, all of which could have easily been remedied by a simple updating of a facebook status.  I wouldn’t mind either way, but Sir Laughy just hasn’t known me long enough to know that my gaydar has been on the fritz for some months now.  I swear, I’ve looked into getting it fixed, but sadly the repair shop is failing me as well. It wasn’t until he finally flat out said he had a thing for another guy friend of ours that was I completely convinced that yes, my gaydar is in fact a complete and total failure. But now I have a new gay friend to make me feel awesomespice when I’m feeling craptastic.

So take note of the Facebook failures and non-failures above. Help a girl out and make it easier on us. We’re all in the same boat here. We know you try and figure out if a girl has a boyfriend or would even be interested as quickly as possible, so why not let us know if we’re wasting our time, sooner rather than later. Even if you select “It’s Complicated” at least that gives us SOMETHING to go on.

Xo
Your Future Wife

Fitting in with friends

7 Oct

Dear Future Hubby,

You better get along with my friends because they’ve been around longer than you so they have seniority.

NOT our booth. Ours is better.

Last night I had “family drinks” with some friends. I call it “family drinks” because in reality, that’s what it is. They are my little Los Angeles family (JAA-Rule, Skinny Jeans, The Suit, Prosciutto, and Elf) and have seen me through thick and thin since we all starting working together. We’ve now all gone our separate ways, working at different companies than the one that all brought us together, but every month or two, we plop down at the back booth table at Snake Pit, eat $2.99 nachos and vent about life, love, work, and how snazzy The Suit looks…well, in a suit. It is of utter importance that you pass the approval test of not only them, but my other friends as well. This is how I will know you are a keeper.

I’m sure every girl worries about how their future spouse will fit into their group of friends. Some girls are perfectly happy giving their guy preference over their friends, but here’s the thing. These people have seen me cry. They’ve seen me come to drinks with no make up on. They’ve seen me be a 14 year old girl and freak out over a guy. They’ve been the ones to give me advice when going on dates. This is not something I can walk away from. A support system like that is crucial to me and I am in no way prepared to give that up.

I promise they won’t sit there with ratings cards and hold them up every once after every joke you tell. It won’t be like a beauty pageant, but they will definitely be judging you on how you treat me, how you interact with them, and if you are cool enough to be a family member. JAA-Rule was not an original family member, but she came, she tried out, she passed with flying colors and I have no doubt that if you’re cool enough for me to date, you’re cool enough to get in their good graces. Just to help you out though, here are some little tips that will come in handy when seeking their approval…

Extra points if you can spot this man

  • Order nachos for the table. Or a pizza. We’re fans of both. But if it’s quesadilla night, better order two or three. Those things are small.
  • Come with a story about someone we all used to work with that we all somehow don’t like for different reasons. This, of course, means you’d have to be friends with one of these people to get a story or know someone that knows them, but I bet your up to the challenge.
  • Point out any celebs that may walk in to the bar. Last night, you would have gotten double points since we had Nev from Catfish, plus David Faustino from Married with Children. Triple bonus points if you spot a drunk Andy Dick walk in and then promptly get kicked out.
  • Don’t sit on your blackberry the whole night…even though we might.
  • Suggest, plan, and implement HARD drinks. We’re horrible at doing this, as hard drinks is something we’ve always talked about doing but never got around to. It’s weekend drinks instead of work week drinks and it’s tons of more alcohol. If you can get us all to do this and then buy a round, you’re in.
  • Offer boy or girl advice to whoever needs it. Especially if a family member is going on a blind date with someone you happen to know. Don’t hold out on us.

If you can take all my advice and be as cool as I know you can be (cause duh, I’m dating you) you have a pretty good shot at becoming part of the family. If you’re gonna be my Future Hubby, you’re going to win over my friends first.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

(Don’t) Pick me up in a Pick-up Truck

21 Sep

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t drive a pick up truck. Especially if it has stickers worthy of second hand embarrassment and a torn up American flag hanging off the back.

For serious, Kenny Chesney?

I know I shouldn’t care about what kind of car you drive. I swear I’m not expecting you to drive a Bentley or a Tesla or an Aston Martin. Just…anything but a pick up truck.

I went home to Northern California this past weekend and after cruising the streets of San Francisco for work for a few days, I headed even further north to Wine Country where my mom lives.  Going home is always a nice little treat for me. I get to sleep in my own bed, lay on the couch and watch hours of mindless TV, go to my favorite restaurants, and enjoy some rain because inevitably it is raining every time I go home. One of the other perks of going home is seeing how different the male species is when not in the city limits of Los Angeles. Guys are a little more rough around the edges, scruffier, more manly. No to say that there aren’t manly men in LA, but when you live in the foothills of wine country, there aren’t exactly a lot of guys who go in to get their eye brows waxed and a bi-weekly mani/pedi.

I was in line at the grocery store grabbing my usual stuff for the weekend and wound up in line behind a ridiculously hot guy. Decked out in a Columbia polar fleece, some non-skinny jeans, and a worn in baseball cap, he was delicious and I’m not just saying that because we couldn’t stop staring at each other.  Nothing was said though and he sauntered off into the rain. With only a few items, it didn’t take me long to check out and as I was walking out to door of Safeway there was Checkout Cutie, driving a monster pick up truck, half rusted with a variety of slightly pornographic stickers on it, and a full size American flag hanging off a pole stuck on the back.

Are.You.Freaking.Kidding.Me?

Checkout Cutie has such potential up until that point. I guess I had forgotten that just because I had traveled to a land with some handsome men, I had also forgotten that I kind of live in farm country. Sure, my town isn’t small with over 100K, but the surrounding area is kind of rural. It’s wine country after all. There are more grapes than people. I was clearly very bummed by this event, but went about my day until I went out later that evening and noticed that almost every cute guy I saw at dinner was driving a pick up truck with some sort of decorations on them.

Run far, far away

Like I said, I have nothing against pick up trucks, hell, I even went to my senior prom in one, but there is just something that brings a guy’s point level down just a little if they feel the need to cruise around in a pick up truck with a massive flag and demeaning stickers on them. Sure, they probably use the truck for work. Sure, they come in handy when hauling large amounts of shit from IKEA. But when coupled with rust, sticks, huge American flags, I’m quickly reminded that I’m not just looking too meet the next cute guy that walks by me.

I’ve clearly lived in Los Angeles too long.

Xo,
Your Future Wife.

Dial the digits

5 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Don’t ask for my number unless you’re actually planning on calling me.

Desperate much?

Why? Because it takes every ounce of trust in me to even give out my number in the first place. I’m totally that girl that is scared that by giving out her number, she is completely setting herself up for disappointment. What if he doesn’t call? What if he doesn’t text? What if he’s creepy and calls and then just breathes into the phone like a serial killer in an Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie? What if he accidentally butt dials me because my name starts with an A and he didn’t actually mean to call me at all? Fail. If you don’t want my number, don’t be polite and ask for it anyway. That’s a shit cop out move and I’m not a fan of it. Only ask for it if you have a reason. Like you need to borrow a dvd or you need to text me the address to a house party you heard about. Not if I’m going to collect dust amongst a sea of Mindy’s and Melissa’s in your phone. So why even ask for it if it’s just going to take up space in your address book?

What do guys do with all the numbers or any personal information they accumulate but never actually follow through and use? Use the numbers to start their own Sudoku game? See what the coolest number combination they can come up with are? Take the numbers to a psychic to see if our phone numbers make us compatible? Map out how far apart you two live and if it’s more that 2.4 miles, then you guys clearly can’t date?

Second date with Music Guy clearly never happened, which now looking back on, I think I wanted to like him more than I actually did like him. But he asked for my address because he was going to try and come to my house warming party. He didn’t. So why did he even ask for it?  Unless he’s mentally 7 years old and his idea of Friday night fun is a rousing game of Ding Dong Dutch or he’s going to throw a bag of dog poo against my door ala Can’t Buy Me Love, I don’t see the point in him wanting that info.

How much do I love that this is real?

Then out of the blue, Double Threat sends me a personal Facebook message saying he lost his phone and needs my number. Um, newsflash, unless you plan on spotting our English professor again randomly, I don’t see any world where you actually call me/text me.  We haven’t spoken in three years. I talk to my tailor more than a talk to you and I’m a jeans and converse girl. That should give you an idea of how often I actually have to go to the tailor. Don’t get my hopes up. You already did that once already in college and look where it got me.

So if you want my phone number, sure, fine. I promise I won’t give you the Rejection Hotline like I used to give out in college. I’ll actually give you my number as part of my goal to put myself out there and trust guys more. But please don’t make me regret it. Actually call me. I may not pick up. You may have to leave a message. But if you get past that step, you’ll definitely be worthy of a call back, just for trusting me enough to actually return the call.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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