Tag Archives: First Impressions

Paging all cute nerds

28 Jul

Dear Future Hubby,

Apparently you aren’t a cute nerd.

Well, maybe that’s not entirely true. Maybe you are a cute nerd, but if you are, you clearly didn’t show up at Comic-Con 2010.  That’s where I’ve been for the past eight (yes, eight, ugh) days working my little tail off, so I apologize for the lack of letters. I was really more focused on seeing if Seth Cohen 2.0 would pop up somewhere on the convention center floor, riding Captain Oats, and sweep me off my feet. This clearly didn’t happen.

www.thiswouldneverbeme.com

All my friends were convinced that I was going to go to the Con and walk away having met you, but they were wrong. Thanks guys. There was a serious drought of cute guys at the Con. That or I was just too busy to notice. Either way, given the interactions I did have over the course of the week, I’m glad I didn’t meet Future Hubby there (unless you count Tom Hiddleston, which is a whooooooooole other story for a later letter.)

If I had met you at Comic-Con, you probably would caused me second hand embarrassment of so many different levels I would have run from the building. So in case you decide to make an appearance next year, here are some dos and don’ts to get my attention during the craziest convention ever.

DON’T dress up: Ok, half the fun of SDCC is seeing everyone dressed up in costume. No joke, highlight of my day when I can internally chuckle at people for being so balls to wall that they will dress up. I admire them for that but not exactly the greatest first impression.  So don’t dress up like Tony Stark, Batman, Spiderman, Wonder Woman or anything else crazy. Cos play kind of weirds me out.

DON’T stalk me for promo items: If you keep coming up to me and asking me if you can have a bag or when we’re giving away bags again, I’m probably going to get annoyed.  Please remember that while at the Con, I’m barely eating, barely sleeping and living on coffee and caffeine gum. Do you really want our first interaction to be me getting snappy with you over the fact that you’ve asked me for a poster or bag three times in the past hour? The correct answer is no.

DO bring me food and/or coffee: Seriously, I’m not joking about not eating at the Con. On Sunday, I didn’t eat anything until 7 PM at night except for a coffee. This is never a good thing because I go into bitch mode when I don’t eat. So if you see me across the crowded aisle and think to yourself, “Hey, that girl is cute” best way to win me over is to show up with a turkey sandwich and a Starbuck’s.  Not only will you get a free poster or promo bag, but you’ll probably get my number too.

Storm Troopers FTW

DO be excited if you win a giveaway or actually get a promo item (and say Thank You too): You have no idea how many people weren’t excited when they won things. I was handing out tickets for autograph signings with HUGE stars and half the people could care less that they won. HELLO! Get excited.  Don’t just stand in a line simply because there is a line. Be excited when you win AND say thank you. If you’re excited, I’m probably going to find it slightly endearing.  It does a lot to defrost my “I’ve only had coffee” attitude a lot.  If you’re nice to me, I’ll be nice back and notice you. Just don’t be like…crazy excited. Like stalker fan excited. Cause that’s just a little too weird for me, kthnx.

DON’T stab me in the eye with a pen over a seat in Hall H: Why? Do I really need to explain that one to you?

SDCC can totally have meet cute potential, even for normal, non wearing costume people like me.  Let’s remember that next year, ok?

Xo,

Your Future Wife

So about that second date…

12 Jul

Dear Future Hubby,

If you ask me out on a second “date” not once, but twice, during our first date, please follow through on that shit. I know I’m not supposed to get my hopes up and I’m supposed to not over think it, but let’s get real.  There’s a fraction of me that is currently doing both as I sit here and type this.

First date Fresh Marg

I FINALLY broke down and went on a date with someone from OkCupid. Music Guy and I had been talking for a couple of weeks with what is quite possibly the longest letters I’ve ever written in my life. We’re talking longer than the last ditch effort letter to Double Threat, which itself was a novel. We met up for drinks on Friday and thanks to the craziness at work, I hadn’t allowed myself to get nervous and/or complete flake on the meet up. Go me! Progress on so many levels right there. This doesn’t mean I didn’t sit in my car for 10 minutes before walking in texting every single one of my friends I knew would listen with “I hate dating!!”

As soon as I walked in the door, I instantly felt better. Not because he was uber cute (cause he is) but I think the adrenalin kicked in. I couldn’t very well walk out. Welcome to the point of no return.  Two hours later and at least a few awkward pauses trying to figure out what we were going to talk about next, we decided to grab the tab. As we’re doing so, he proceeds to go “We should grad a drink or dinner, some time this week. I know you’re busy with Comic-Con and all but…” Um, yes! Yes, we should grab dinner. Yes, I’m swamped with Comic-Con, but hell, I’m trying to maintain a normal life right now in the midst of crazy.

Maybe I’ve been on too many bad dates but I was totally ready and willing to accept the “Ok, well it was nice to meet you. Have a good night.” ending to the evening and I would never hear from him again. Maybe this time would be different.  I decided to go out on a limb. As we had been talking about my new apartment, I invited him to my housewarming the next night and now, looking back, I maybe only 65% regret doing that. He had a show that night he had to go to for work, but he said he would try and stop by. Cut to 24 hours later, he didn’t stop by. No big deal, as I’m actually glad he didn’t show up to see me shit faced off margaritas, playing flip cup in my front yard. At the bar though, he seemed super into the party though, even grabbing my address and last name. Insert part where I get super nervous about if he googles me. I made sure nothing too incriminating came up when I got home. Nope, only my imdb page.

When we head outside, he hugs me and says it was great to finally meet me and then, started throwing out dates for dinner. “I have a show Wednesday night,

Johnny Knoxville sat next to us. Bar buddies! He drank a marg like me. How minty.

but I just have to stop by so maybe after that. Or Thursday night works too.” Sure, either works for me, just let me know.  I mean, what guys start actually throwing out days for date number two if he’s not interested, right? I’m not crazy, am I? He could have just totally blown me off if he didn’t really want to go to dinner. Then again…he didn’t come to my party and as a girl, I have He’s Just Not That Into You in my head going “If he’s not coming to your party, he’s just not that into you.”

So it’s now Monday and I haven’t heard from him in regards to dinner or my party or life.  If he makes date number 2 happen, then he does. If not, well, I am working Comic-Con next week. Maybe I’ll be a really dorky, but hot fanboy. Paging Seth Cohen. I’m just saying Future Hubby. Don’t mention date number two on the first date if you aren’t going to follow through. As much as I want to say I won’t over analyze any and all second date fake outs, every girl does and you better believe I’m trying to stop myself from doing so right now.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Perusing the profiles

15 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

I remembered growing up seeing all the personal ads in the paper.  “SWF seeks SWM for longs walks on the beach and candlelit dinners.” A: I really hope you haven’t ever done that and B: I really hope I never hear the words “long walks on the beach and candlelit dinner” come out of your mouth. Those ads always fascinated me with their abbreviations and the things people looked for when using the newspaper to track down a significant other. Cut to 2010, where more people are using the internet to find the man or woman of their dreams. Answer a few questions here, upload a picture there, browse through other people that have done the same and BAM! You might just have a match. Lucky for those people, you have more room on a dating site profile than you do in the paper and they don’t charge you by the letter.

Second Hand Embarrassmed for you

A few weeks ago when I mentioned that I wasn’t a fan of online dating, I, of course, went right back out there and contradicted myself. Who knows? Maybe you’re actually out there lurking in cyberspace, FH. I logged back on to okcupid, updated by horribly out of date profile and started winking at guys (cause I’m a chicken shit and hate messaging people first), and mentally judging people based on their profiles (cause that’s what everyone does). While I’m not fully on board with the whole idea just yet, I can see myself slowly getting there. Maybe. Someday. After several drinks.

One thing I notice about the profiles though is that because of the search options to help you weed through what’s out there, the section on your actual profile for what you’re looking for in a significant other is small, consisting of only the following:

  • Age Range
  • Type of Relationship
  • Sex and Sexuality

Excuse me, okcupid, seeing as your search options are purely cosmetic or related to one’s demographic, like age, location, race, religion, height, weight, income, etc. shouldn’t I be allowed a whole freaking novel of what I am looking for in a guy? One that contains really important features and not ones that tell me jack shit about someone’s personality. It seems rather narcissistic that all the things I’m supposed to write in my profile are solely based around me, what I like, what I don’t like, and why I’m uber awesome. I should be able to write something like the following somewhere, even if it’s just in the footnotes.

Kick-ass, awesome twenty something that loves movies, tennis, sarcasm, pop culture and grilled cheese sandwiches is looking for the guy (preferably who is older than I am), that meets many of the following:

Has an some type of European accent, has traveled and wants to travel more, knows the rules and scoring of tennis, hates Rafael Nadal as much as I do, likes to cook, doesn’t mind sitting in a bookstore with me for hours while i sit on the floor reading, will let me watch Gilmore Girls any time I want, will go along with any and all Gaelic Gala plans, can tell when my blood sugar is low and when to not piss me off, is handy around the house, likes the black part of a black and white cookie,  is taller than me, can surf and is willing to teach me, will have his own opinion about things, will force me to go to more concerts, will be kind, sensitive and get along with my family, will like dogs and want one, will take the trash out without needing to be asked, will not randomly text, email, or BBM and then not respond, knows the value of Pippi Longstocking, can quote Wanye’s World and the Sandlot, understands the genius that is Camp Nowhere and Heavyweights, remember TV shows like Ghost Writer and The Adventures of Pete & Pete, lets me decorate any way I want, will force me to take a vacation every once and a while,  will sit on the phone with me for hours, even if we have nothing to say, will do an Irish jig to cheer me up whenever I’m feeling down, won’t force me to take shots of Jameson, will laugh at me if I ever suggest a “long walk on the beach,” looks good with some scruff, can pull off plaid every once in a while, likes to camp and will force me to camp, will force us to do intellectually stimulating activities like going to a museum…

We will not be dating if you do not understand the amazingness that is Tim Riggins

Really the list could go on and on. I just find that dating site profiles are slightly limited to talking about yourself, selling yourself, trying to get people interested in you, that they don’t give you much of a chance to be like “If you can’t understand the amazingness that is Friday Night Lights and it’s a travesty it’s never been nominated for an Emmy, then I’m pretty sure I don’t want to sleep with you.” Wouldn’t it just be easier to read a paragraph about what someone is looking for and if you think you might fit at least .00001% of that, then wink at them. Rather than weed through the contenders hoping to find some guy that is just really good at making himself sound appealing. He could end up being a total douche and this could have all been avoided if you knew if he like the black part of a black and white cookie.

It’s like a needle in a haystack and I tend to get hay fever, thank you very much. So FH, make it easier on me and if you can, somewhere in your profile, hijack a paragraph that’s you’re supposed to make all about yourself and dedicate it to “Wink/Message me if you can say yes to a percentage of the following.”

Xo,

Your Future Wife

An Un-Cute Meet Cute: My Driveway

9 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

I wouldn’t normally consider my driveway a place to meet guys. It’s not like a hopping Saturday night spot with a line around the block. It’s my driveway. But if you think that you can find some way to turn my driveway into a romantic place to meet, than by all means go for it, as this past Saturday gave me hope that even the most mundane places could be potential Future Hubby meeting ground.

My driveway has now become a historical site as it is the place that has provided the most meet cute worthy “un-cute meet cute” yet. Move over, Barista boy and Ireland driver. You just got knocked down on the podium. We have a new contender for meet cute potential while still being…an absolute un-cute meet cute.

NOT how my un-cute meet cute ended - part 1

Saturday morning, at 3 AM, a car alarm started going off outside our apartment. After the disastrous Double Threat ambush I had a few hours earlier the last thing I needed was to lose sleep over a damn car alarm. But seeing as I got my windshield shattered and my car keyed in college, I’m very paranoid about car alarms. I got up to make sure it wasn’t my little Honda, only to find out it was a white truck parked in front of our building. Ugh, ok, back to sleep I went and the alarm eventually went off.

I got up the next morning with a plan to hit up Costco AND Starbuck’s all in an hour and a half. A fete that, if you’ve ever been to Costco, is next to impossible. But I did it and I was quite proud of myself. I didn’t even run over any small children with my cart. When I got home, I began unloaded the bulk toilet paper, paper towels and ramen that I had purchase. I still love the fact that I can buy a 48 pack of ramen for 7 bucks. Score one for me. As I was carting stuff to and from the house, I heard someone approach me on the driveway. I turned around to find a ridiculously hot guy I had never met before. Um, was he some sort of prize for making it through Costco while avoiding all the sample stations cause if so…I need to go to Costco more often.

He wasn’t though. He was the owner of the white truck out front that unfortunately, had it’s window smash in at 3 AM, causing the alarm to go off. I told him the details, the time, but unfortunately by the time I had looked out the front window, I didn’t see anyone, nor had I noticed the window smashed. I apologized, pissed that I couldn’t be of more help to him, especially since he was totally adorable. And what does he say? “Oh no, I’m sorry that the alarm woke you up.” Excuse me while I swoon momentarily. Are you serious? You just got your window smashed in and YOU’RE sorry? We chatted for a few more minutes about contacting his insurance company, how we had parking behind our building so we weren’t parked on the street, etc. He finally ventured off and I sat there kicking myself for not asking if he lived in the neighborhood, if he needed any help cleaning up the glass, if he had a girlfriend, you know the general questions you ask when you’re approached by a hot guy in your driveway. I vowed that in the coming days I would try and see if ever saw the truck again in the neighborhood to confirm if he lived around me.

NOT how my un-cute meet cute ended - part 2

In all of my “Oh, I may have a cute neighbor/dude just chatted me up in my driveway” excitement, I failed to realize that it was probably best if I never saw him again. I quickly realized what I had been wearing during the whole interaction Track shoes, a Friday Night Light t-shirt, spandex work out pants, and a greasy ponytail. Plus I was holding a 48 pack of ramen. First impression fail. My lack of fashion sense for a Saturday morning had just turned my potential meet cute into an un-cute meet cute.

So FH, if you ever feel the need to approach me in my driveway, can you make sure I’m dressed like a normal person that looks like she’s actually taken a shower and put some thought into my appearance? For the record, I had taken a shower before the Costco run. Next time I hear an alarm going off outside my house, I should make sure to be wearing a ball gown the next morning on the off chance that a hot guy approaches me in my driveway to inquire about a busted window.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Uninterested in Internet Dating

3 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

I’m all about the technology. I have three computers: one personal laptop, one work laptop, and one work desktop. I have two blackberrys: one personal, one work. I’ve always been someone who has to be connected at all times.  Shove me in a foreign country with no internet or cell phone and I kind of freak out. Believe me, when I found out Coolclogher House got wireless last time I went to Ireland, it was like Christmas. Twitter, Facebook, Gmail, CNN, Google, FourSquare, Perez, my life would be empty without them all. You would think with how much I love being connected, I would love everything on the internet. But the one thing I just cannot wrap my head around is internet dating.

Me and technology go way back...like early 80s back

Don’t get me wrong. I know tons of couples who have met through the internet, I have tons of friends who are dating through online sites, but hell, if I have to hear again from E-Harmony about how one out of every five couples meets online, I might just scream. I get it. It’s a fantastic way to meet people…if you aren’t me.  So don’t be surprised if you don’t meet on on match, e-harmony or okcupid.  I won’t fault you for being on those sites because I get it. We all spend more time with computers than we do with our significant others. But as much as I would love to be all on board with the whole internet dating thing…it kind of freaks me out.

Trust me, I’ve tried. I really have. I’ve done match and okcupid and been on dates and clearly none of them were game show worthy love connections. I also have major social anxiety about going out with someone I’ve met online and even if I do walk through that wall of fear, I find myself feeling really freaked out when the dates over and I’m driving home from Olive Garden or PF Changs. I’ve done it enough times to know that it’s always going to end up the same way. The guy could be pretty nice, but just something about the entire “I met you online” fact makes me cringe/squirm/want to take a really hot shower.  So I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you’re probably going to have to meet me the old fashioned way. We’re talking a bar, a party, through a mutual friend, etc. I want to get to know someone in person before I actually commit to going out with them. An online profile and blurry/cropped/pixelated photo from 1997 doesn’t always give the best first impression. I don’t need daily emails telling me if someone has chosen me on QuickMatch or who’s new in my neighborhood. I already get enough emails a day and I’d prefer that they aren’t trying to set me up with someone when I really should be worrying about the important ones. The more I get them, the more it freaks me out, and the less I care to actually read them and be interested in who they are presenting me with.

If only this existed...

Unless the world of online dating changes in some drastic way like giving me super specific kick ass options like “I prefer a guy with an accent,” “I prefer a guy who is from a foreign country,” “I prefer a guy that understand how hilarious the 1970s Pippi Longstocking movies are,” “I prefer a guy that can quote Wayne’s World AND the Sandlot,” or “I prefer a guy who wants to get married in Ireland at a week long celebration called Gaelic Gala” then I don’t think I’m going to hop back on the band wagon any time soon. I was always trying to hang on to the back of it as it rolled down the street anyway. I think it’s time to let go, at least for now, and try and find you on my own terms, rather than feeling that this is the “best” way to meet someone now. It may be best for some people, just not me.

I would also just like you to know that as I wrote this, someone on OkCupid sent me an “Ice Breaker.” Excuse me while I go press the delete button.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Flirting with “Flair” = Fail

27 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t expect me to flirt with you or hit on you or hell, even think I have a chance with you, if we meet while I’m working at Hot Dog on a Stick.

No, I don’t actually work at Hot Dog on a Stick. Sadly, that stopped being my life long goal at the age of…oh, NEVER. But something struck me as odd this morning when I went to pick up my usual morning coffee (and no, my uncute meet cute Barista was not there). As I was waiting for my coffee, I looked over to see the girl manning the register offering the guy she was helping a free drink that morning.  I honestly wouldn’t think anything of this as I’ve been fortunate enough to get a free coffee every once and a while, but once I noticed how she was blatantly leaning over the counter towards him, smiling really big, and then continuing to try to talk to him as he’s headed to the door, the flashing lights start to go off: “Flirting Fail!”

Hi, I work at Hot Dog on a Stick. Isn't my outfit hot?

Poor girl. I couldn’t even imagine trying to flirt or hit on someone while serving them at a food establishment.  You’re wearing an apron and a visor, and a disheveled ponytail that gives you that whole “I just woke up an hour ago and I’d rather be asleep” look. I wouldn’t want anyone to see me like that let alone a whole line full of people who have not had caffeine yet. Honestly though, Starbucks is probably one of the least embarrassing food service uniforms. Not clashing colors, no matchy matchy, and pretty comfortable. There are far worse uniforms that someone could potentially wear that would seriously hinder any hook up possibilities.

1. Hot Dog on a Stick: I once heard someone say that the outfits they have to wear are cute. Excuse me, what universe were they living in? Those hats are huge and while they do spend the day serving the most sexual food ever, there is nothing cute about having to serve a guy you like a corn dog while looking like someone with a deformed head. Primary colors don’t look super great on people when put all together. Plus, why do they make some people where they tank top version of the uniform? Who wants to wear a tank top in the middle of winter in Skokie, Illinois or some place? No one. You’re not fooling us. We know it’s 12 degrees outside and we know you’re freezing.

2. TGI Friday: I’m sorry but stripes don’t look good on anyone. I don’t care how skinny you are or how great they make you look. You don’t look great. You look like you belong in jail, not serving me up a strawberry daiquiri while asking me what I like to do in my spare time. Plus, I’m sorry, but I can’t look at your “flair” without thinking of Office Space and then my mind just starts recounting great quotes from that movie instead of paying attention to you.

"Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?"

3. Hooters: Yes, guys love them. Girls…not so much. I can’t even begin to imagine trying to hit on a guy while wearing an outfit I would be COMPLETELY uncomfortable in. Who honestly thinks that those are cute and comfortable?  They just look trashy and there is nothing attractive about trashy. Every guy is oogling you and every girl is judging you.

4. Cheesecake Factory: Yes, there food is amazing. Yes, their cheesecake is even more amazing. Not amazing? Making their employees dress in all white. I’m sorry, who looks good dressed in all white AND a tie? Plus, I’ve never seen anyone’s pants fit them at Cheesecake Factory. They always look way too big, as if wearing white doesn’t make you look heavier than you already are. Go buy some Scotch Guard and see you later!

I’m fortunate enough that my “uniform” is my own clothing which generally consists of jeans, tops, Converse or ballet flats. I honestly feel that wearing what you’re comfortable in gives you more confidence and if I’m going to pursue you, I’d like to have as much confidence as possible. What you wear helps to make that first impression. It helps to say, “Here I am, this is who I am and if you don’t like how I dress, well then too bad because this is a reflection of my personality.” Sure, a crazy outfit is not a deal breaker, especially if you’ve been forced to wear it by your employer. I’m just saying, if you do happen to work at a place with a crazy costume,  I wouldn’t NOT notice you or talk to you. It just may take me a few minutes to get over the shock of finding a guy in a Hot Dog on a Stick costume hot.  Guys in tank tops kind of weird me out. Sorry.

Xo,
Your future Wife

Goodbye Gaydar

25 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Let’s get serious for a moment. And by serious, I really just mean me getting annoyed with something and you having to listen.

So seriously dude, listen up. Can you please just be upfront about if you are gay or straight? If you aren’t going to be upfront, then I am left to trust my now untrustworthy gaydar and looking like a fool when i find out that this really cute guy I’ve been friends with for a few years now is in fact STRAIGHT. Yes, that’s right. Straight. I’ve just been thrown for a complete 180. Hello, mortified, party of one, right here.

To replace my malfunctioning gaydar

Sure, sure, I guess I could have just asked or I should have been able to tell in some way. But here’s the thing. When you’re friends with someone and you only hang out every couple of months with a select group of people, your view on them in skewed. You only know them in a certain setting with certain people where only certain things come up for discussion. I guess I just need to get my gaydar checked. Living in LA, I should be used to cute guys that dress nice, can keep up with pop culture, etc. that are straight. I mean, this is the land of David Beckham and Ryan Seacrest. Metrosexual is in. I’m not exactly sure why I thought he was gay, but for some reason, way back in the day, the gaydar went off and he got put onto the list of my fabulous gay friends.  I’m sure I would have figured this out much sooner if I actually hung out with him more (or had snooped around more) but apparently, I was too busy avoiding being hit on by guys with forklifts (shudder extreme) and my Starbuck’s barista.

Because of this situation, I’ve now had to create a check list for myself of things to do to reinstate this guy onto the list of super hot guy friends I have that could have future hubby, or at least date potential and I will have to do the same if you pull the same (self inflicted) stunt on me.

  1. Get my gaydar checked. Seriously, that shit is malfunctioning like whoa and needs to hit the repair shop.
  2. Make sure to not look like a hobo when I hang out with said guy again. When you get put on the list of guys that I will never have a chance with (like my gay friends or Ryan Gosling) I tend to give a rats ass if I have make up on or if I’m wearing a cute shirt. Easier said then done, but as a girl that rocks jeans and Converse on a daily basis, I’m now going to have to scour my closet for at least 20 minutes before we hang out next time.

    Sexy in a suit (and totally in my Top Five)

  3. Try not to drool over said guy when we hang out. When on the gay friends list, automatically I don’t drool regardless of how cute you are or not. It’s like when Lance Bass officially came out. Millions of girls around the world stopped drooling for the soul fact that they would never have a chance. However, now that he’s back on the datable list, I will need to keep my drooling/staring/daydreaming about him in check. Especially if he’s wearing something hot like a suit (cause guys always look much hotter when they wear a suit).

So please do not be ambiguous when we meet. Give me a clear sign that you’re gay or straight. I don’t mind either way.  I’d just like to know if I’d ever have a shot with you. I’d rather not spend 2 years ruining any chance I have with you by showing you all my horrible habits and what I look like with no make up on when you actually WOULD be on board to go to coat check room and make out with me if I actually didn’t look like I crawled out of bed ten minutes before. So you just keep being awesome and looking hot and I’ll try not to look like I haven’t slept in three days while hiding all deal breaker habits for at least a little while.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

PS: Take what I said about suits seriously. Guys always look sexy when they wear a suit.

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