Tag Archives: Flirting

Married and macking

21 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

First off, let me apologize for my absence as it’s now summer and therefore I’ve been sitting in front of my TV watching of SYTYCD, Game of Thrones, tivo’d episodes of House Hunters International and patiently waiting for True Blood. It’s a hard job, but someone has to do it. Plus I finally watched Band of Brothers which if you’ve seen, you know it’s fantastic and slightly addicting. I’d totally be on board if you were in fact Damian Lewis or the dude that plays Doc Roe.  Really, work has just been slightly crazy so my apologies for falling of the blogging/quest for a future hubby wagon.

FYI, I'm not blind

However, I would like to thank my crazy busy life for providing me with something absolutely annoying/fascinating/hilarious to tell you about. And when I say tell you about, I clearly mean, shit you shouldn’t do if you want to have any chance with me.

I’m pretty positive I don’t come across as a stupid person. Sure, sometimes I talk like a valley girl when I get super excited about things, but I do have two college degrees. I have a job. I have life experience. I’m pretty smart. I’m also not blind. So if you have a wedding ring on, I can see it. If you have a ring tan line, I can see it. So do me a favor and don’t flirt with me because oh yeah, you’re married. Oh, you didn’t get that memo? Hmm, I’ll make sure to fax you a copy of your marriage certificate as soon as I’m done with this post.

About a week ago, I went out with one of my friends who happened to invite some of her other friends ago for this outing.  I had been hearing about these other friends for quite some time, so it was one of those “I feel like I already know you” moments, including all about Mr. Married & Mrs. Married, who according to my friend we’re the most adorable couple you’ve ever seen. Sadly, Mrs. Married wasn’t going to be able to make it that night, so when we arrived I was introduced to Mr. Married and yes, I was immediately bummed he was taken as he was gorgeous.  I didn’t really think much of his hotness though, as we were in a larger group of people and oh yeah, he’s married, but when he started sliding up to me at the bar, animately talking to me, buying me drinks, full on flirting with me, I really wanted to laugh and remind him that I’m not blind. I can see your wedding ring. He was nice enough though, and we had a lot on common, so I stayed, talking to him and trying my best not to fall into flirting back with him.

After a while, I excused myself to the ladies and when I came back, something immediately was different. Mr. Married had moved his wedding ring to his other

Orange is not my color

hand! Dude! I just sat with you for an hour. Do you think I’m just going to now suddenly think you’re single because you moved your ring? Or do you really think I hadn’t noticed it before on your left hand? Cause no offense dude, I’m a girl and the older we single girls get, the more we immediately look for a wedding ring. This was clealry my cue to go find my friend, find a new conversation to be a part of, and feel sorry for Mrs. Married.

So do us both a favor and learn something from this little story. Don’t hit on me if you’re married.  I’m looking for My Future Hubby. Not “Someone else’s Current Hubby, but could be my Future Hubby.” Actually, don’t even hit on me if you have a girlfriend. It’s a waste of both our time. As flattered as I am, as cute as you may be, as much as we may hit it off and get along, I’m not exactly looking to be given the home wrecker of the year award. I’m not looking for any drama, especially when just starting something with someone.  And you know what that ring on that finger says? Drama.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Tone down the texting

30 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

If you’re not interested, don’t text me back. I’m a big girl. I can take a hint. I’ll get it. No text back equals you not being interested. Every girl has been there. Every girl knows that what it means.  So why keep texting me back if you’re not interested, not going to make a move, and have no interest in pursuing anything further than our brief random chance meeting?

Yeah, this is going to stop now, kthnxbye

I’ve been holding off an discussing this for fear of jinxing myself in case something actually DID develop from all this but as a month or so has now gone by, I feel it is time to make this legit blog material. I recently met a guy. Code Name? Hometown Hottie. I met HH at a bar a few weeks back and not going to lie, we hit it off, talking most of the night about how we’re both from the same town (hence the code name), movies, the effect of social networking on the world, deep shit, clearly. Plus, the icing on the cake for me was when he told me his favorite sport is tennis, just like me. Dude. No ones favorite sport is tennis unless you play it or you grew up with a crush on Andy Roddick.  Clearly, he was a winner. Numbers exchanged, but when I left, I had a sneaking suspicion I’d never hear from him again.

Apparently, my gut instinct on that was wrong. Cut to 2 AM and I’m getting ready for bed when my phone goes off. Right off the bat, I thought it was one of my friends texting to make sure I got home ok, but oh no. It was HH telling me it was nice to meet me and he wanted to see e again some time. This then started a 2 hour texting session where he proceeded to tell me he liked me (ditto!), he wanted to see me again (ditto!), he had thought about kissing me at the bar (I’m not one to object), etc. I can’t even remember what time I finally fell asleep.

Four days later and there had been no word from HH. So, being the strong, independent woman that I am, I text him and low an behold he texts me back. Insert another hour long texting conversation about nothing overly spectacular except the fact that he didn’t take the bait I dangled out there to see if he’d ask me to do something over the week. But why would he text me back if he didn’t have any interest? This occasional texting continued over the next couple of weeks or so until finally dying off over a week ago because dude, I have better shit to do than text with you while waiting to see if you’re going to want to get together again. If the first text was a courtesy text, great, I appreciate it, but you don’t have to keep carrying on a conversation with me. It’s a nice gesture but complete unnecessary. You don’t need to worry about hurting my feelings. Like I said before, I’m a big girl. I can handle the disappointment.

I refuse to wear one of these unless you buy me a drink

I can’t believe I’m about to say this but grow some balls and just blow me off. I’m okay with it. I’d rather be blown off than strung along thinking “Wait, but what about all that shit you said the night we met?” If you’re busy, I get it, but just say so. If you’re not interested, just say so or again, don’t say anything at all.  I have no problem walking away as evident by the fact that it’s been over a week since we last texted and I’m completely over it.

So please take this as a friendly reminder. If you get my number and actually text me, please make sure you’re interested. Please don’t tell me you like me or want to see me again or that you thought about kissing me. I’ve learned after 27 years not to get my hopes up too much, but like any girl who hears things like that, hopes gets raised just a little. And if I’m going to go so far as to raise my hopes even a little, than something at least better come of this other than being a serious time suck and contributing to my eventual on set of carpal tunnel or Blackberry thumb.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Probably shouldn’t play it cool

12 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

You’re going to have to make it crystal freaking clear if you like me because I’ve realized I suck at making it crystal freaking clear if I like you. This is clearly an issue. While I may find myself attracted to masters of the mixed signal (Premiere Pal, anyone?) am I perhaps also sending mixed signals, or even worse, no signal at all?

Stop playing it cool, you're getting flowers

As I was leaving work last night, I got a text from a newish male friend of mine, Geek Chic, asking if I had a book we had discussed last time we spoke and could I drop it off at his office on the way home. Lucky for me, I had exactly what he was looking for in my car and his office was right on my route home. We had been talking more and more lately, which like any single girl, led me to start to develop a minor crush on him, or at least entertain the possibility of a minor crush on him. I’ve been trying to decipher Geek since I was first introduced to him by a work friend and of course this includes the following: Is he single? Does he have a girlfriend? Is he gay? I still haven’t come up with answers to either question, but I’m still hoping answers will present themselves.

As I pulled out the book for him, I felt the butterflies, daydreamed about if this was just his ploy to ask me out for dinner or a drink, and how I would do my best to flirt with him when I handed over the book. What did I do? I failed. I completely utterly failed. I walked into his office, dropped off the book, acted as if it was no big deal, told him if he needed anything else to let me know, and then left. No extraneous conversation. No flirting. No nothing. I “played it cool” and just walked away after a whopping 15 second interaction. I didn’t even give myself a fighting chance. Please explain to me how on earth I’m supposed to find a boyfriend let alone a future hubby in this world if all seem to do is “play it cool”? 27 years of playing it cool hasn’t really gotten me anywhere so why do I keep doing it?

It’s not like this is a one time instance too. On the rest of the ride home, I thought about how I tend to do that with most of the guys I like in my life or even ones I just meet or see in passing. I once met a guy at the bar, really hit it off with him, talked for a couple of hours, but when he asked me if I was okay to drive home (which I was) or if I needed a ride, I said I was okay to drive myself. It wasn’t until a few days later that I though maybe had a responded differently, he would had asked for my number or to see me again. My playing it cool/being completely oblivious that he may be interested in more than just my safety getting home was lost on me. I also totally check out the hot guys in the Starbucks line every morning. But all I do is look. Would it kill me to smile? See if I get a smile back? It won’t kill me to be friendly and smile and who knows what a smile could lead to? At least it’s me putting myself out there with a smile that says “hello” but could also say “you look pretty good for 8 AM without having a cup of coffee.”

Actually, don't do something this stupid

Moral of the story. I suck at making my feelings or intentions known, so please keep this in mind when dealing with me Just trust me when I say I’m working on it. Hopefully the more comfortable with you I become, the easier it will be for me to NOT play it cool, to smile at you, to not walk away after 15 seconds, to flirt with back. But just in case, if you want to tattoo your feelings or intentions on your forehead first, that’d be greatly appreciate. Sure, it may hurt a little, but it’s probably less painful than watching me try and play it cool.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Select a freaking status!

8 Nov

Dear Future Hubby,

I can't believe I'm thanking a dude that wears sandals like that

I’d like to personally thank Mark Zuckerberg for inspiring this post. Yes. That’s right. Not you, but the Zuck, who is no doubt up in Palo Alto creating more useless ways to make Facebook more addicting while counting his billions Scrooge McDuck style.  Regardless, the Zuck has made it ridiculously easy for all mankind (at least the ones who believe in FB) to find out if A: the person they have a thing for is single or taken and B: if said person would even be interested in you to begin with.  That being said, I sincerely hope you not only have a Facebook account (this will make stalking each other during the early relationship stages much easier), but also that you take the time to help a girl out and update your “Relationship Status” and your “Interested In” sections.

I’m (almost) 27 years old. I do not have time to figure out if you have a girlfriend or not. I don’t have time to figure out if my gaydar is failing me. My life is already busy enough, so please don’t make me hunt around, all super spy style to try and figure these things out.

I’ve recently acquired two new guy friends. I say acquired cause it sounds like I picked them up at the flea market while purchased some vintage nightstands.  I met neither at a flew market, but it just makes them seem even that much cooler than they are. Both are good looking guys and I’m sorry, but when you’re (almost) 27 and hopelessly single, you can’t help but look at any guy you meet as a prospective Future Hubby. Even if they prove you wrong in the first thirty seconds.

Both newly acquired friends though kept me guessing for a while. While one was clearly straight and a total ladies man, his ability to flirt and make me feel like I was the most important girl in the room threw me off. For a few days, I actually thought “Hmmm, could Preppy McPrepperson really be in to me?” Sadly, once we became Facebook friends, I was informed he had a girlfriend. A long term girlfriend. Back to the drawing board we go. I would like to thank him thought to utilizing the Zuck’s idea to make it easier for me. I’m glad I did not waste more than a couple of days looking at Preppy as a potential male suitor, though I will admit he will always be easy on the eyes, girlfriend or not.

This screen IS your friend

Other newly acquired friend, Sir Laughs A Lot, isn’t as much of a fan of the Zuck’s idea though, despite having an FB profile. While Sir Laughy is clearly awesome, fun, and excellent at making me feel special, I was still torn between trying to figure out if he was gay or not. Certain things made me say yes, certain things made me say no, all of which could have easily been remedied by a simple updating of a facebook status.  I wouldn’t mind either way, but Sir Laughy just hasn’t known me long enough to know that my gaydar has been on the fritz for some months now.  I swear, I’ve looked into getting it fixed, but sadly the repair shop is failing me as well. It wasn’t until he finally flat out said he had a thing for another guy friend of ours that was I completely convinced that yes, my gaydar is in fact a complete and total failure. But now I have a new gay friend to make me feel awesomespice when I’m feeling craptastic.

So take note of the Facebook failures and non-failures above. Help a girl out and make it easier on us. We’re all in the same boat here. We know you try and figure out if a girl has a boyfriend or would even be interested as quickly as possible, so why not let us know if we’re wasting our time, sooner rather than later. Even if you select “It’s Complicated” at least that gives us SOMETHING to go on.

Xo
Your Future Wife

Trying to retain the Current Crush crown

27 Oct

Dear Future Hubby,

I’m not a fan of how guys know the exact moment that you have stopped thinking about them/giving a shit about them. It’s some hidden sixth sense that I’m sure you have and I’d appreciate it if you never used it on me since it’s beyond frustrating to have you (or any other guy I have on my brain) just pop up after I have 99.9% forgotten that they exist.

Sorry, the Current Crush crown has been passed

I don’t know how all guys posses this sixth sense. I’m sure there is a secret control room somewhere that flashes a red light at the exact moment a girl forgets about a guy. Then all the guys of the world congregate to come up with the most absurd, random, out of the blue way they can pop back up to ensure that they are not forgotten. Said guy is then sent off into the world to make sure that all attention is once again on them. Congratulations. You win. I remember you’re alive. I remember why I liked you to begin with. Now either stop dicking around and ask me out or just disappear while I go into the witness protection program for the next time the red alarm flashes and you have come up with some new way to weasel your way back into my consciousness.

Double Threat is/was awesome at this.  The hardest of them all to forget and literally a couple weeks after I pretty much did, insert random text conversation about our English professor. And just in case I happen to even slightly forget him, there’s always my birthday and Christmas, which comes complete with a generic text message. Gee, thanks. This past weekend, J-Squared (aka Current Crush) chatted me up out of the blue. Literally a week after I had met someone else who was on their way to replacing him as the new Current Crush. Really? You were so pissed you were going to lose your title, that you just had to pop in to say hello? Needless to say this was a complete shock…yet, somewhere deep down, I was secretly happy. Sue me, I’m a sucker for male attention. Especially when it comes from a guy I like.

Someone's a little too late to the party

Forget the fact that I haven’t really talked to him or seen him about four months, but there I was. Spending an hour of my Saturday afternoon catching up with him.  This wouldn’t be such a big deal if I had reached out to him, but it was the other way around. He reached out to me. I was pretty positive he had forgotten I was alive, much like I was hoping to at some point forget he was alive. I assume he had just come from his secret meeting where he determined the best way to reenter my life and ensure his Current Crush status was in place. I was so proud of myself for finally getting over him and here I am, back to the beginning of liking him all over again.  His flirting did absolutely nothing to help this.

So DFH, cut me some slack. If the “she’s forgotten about you” red light goes off for you, don’t take this as your sign to just show back up for a couple weeks before disappearing again. Take this as your sign to get your ass in gear and tell me you like me too or cut me loose and let me bestow the Current Crush crown on someone else.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Waiter, please wait to flirt

30 Sep

Dear Future Hubby,

Holding my credit card hostage does not mean I’m going to flirt with you. It doesn’t mean I’m going to write my number down on a napkin and slide it your way. It just means you’re holding my credit card hostage and I would just like to pay, please.

My friend, JAA Rule, and I went to dinner a couple weeks ago to one of my favorite sushi places. No joke, I’m addicted to this thing call the Crazy Danny roll like you would not believe. One thing I wasn’t addicted to though….our waiter. Dinner started out fine enough, until we realized that every time our waiter came over, he would stand there a little too long trying to make awkward small talk with us. Every time he’d finally leave, JAA Rule and I would giggle and discuss just what the hell is he was doing. Doesn’t he realize he’s clearly interrupt gossip hour? We didn’t go out to dinner to try and hook up with the waiter. We went to dinner to trash talk. Duh.

We also ordered the world's spiciest spicy tuna on crispy rice

By the time he got around to bringing us the check, he was standing at our table,  inquiring about our evening plans for a good five minutes. Excuse me sir, but it’s not like we can leave. You’re standing there holding my credit card. I’m not one to run out on the bill, but for serious, you’re kind of making me want to. No, I don’t know how Going the Distance is. We’re going to see it AFTER dinner. Yes, the Crazy Danny roll was great, that’s why I ordered it and no, I don’t want to hear about your opinions on every menu on the item. And for the love of god, please don’t crouch down next to our table as if you’re going to get comfortable while you continue to ask us awkward questions.

Clearly, our gossip shifted to him after every time he came to our table rather than the other people we clearly planned to spend the evening discussing. The only silver lining is that we had to have another dinner & movie night within the coming week to make up the serious lack of actual gossip we did that night while our credit cards were held hostage. It’s not that I’m against swooning over a waiter at a restaurant. Believe me, I’m all about eye candy while eating. Just not when said eye candy really isn’t eye candy at all and is kind of interrupt our meals. Oh, and did I mention holding our credit cards hostage? Yeah…yeah.

Pray I don’t meet you while you’re serving me sushi and/or gossiping. I may ignore you.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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