Tag Archives: Living Together

Beware of the Bed Hog

7 Jul

Dear Future Hubby,

I hope you like sleeping on the floor. Or the couch. Or in a tent in the living room because sadly….I’m kind of a bed hog.

In the midst of my half sleep while I continually press the snooze button routine this morning, I realize that I wasn’t sleeping on “my” side of the bed anymore. I was basically lying across it diagonally. I have no idea when during the night this happened, but I’ve been waking up lately and finding that I’m either directly in the middle of the bed or diagonal across it. Clearly, I didn’t learn very much about sharing growing up. Only child syndrome, sorry.

Yeah...this is so me

I normally wouldn’t think anything of this but for some reason, I got uber panicked for you, Future Hubby. Where the hell are you going to sleep when you finally show up and I decide you’re cool enough to spend the nigh because clearly, I’ve become so comfortable in my bed that that’s what it is now. MY bed. I have hardwood floors, so that’s definitely out. The Aerobed is another good option but that thing is totally bulky and takes up the rest of the floor space in my room. I’m so not going to want to step on your pretty face on my way to get a glass of water at 3 AM. Our couch is comfy, but if you want to go to bed early and I want to stay up watching So You Think You Can Dance, this is clearly impractical. We don’t have a treehouse, so you can’t camp out Sandlot style and we live close to a busy street so a tent in the front yard might be a bit noisy for you.

Dilemma, dilemma, dilemma. I guess you’re just going to have to get used to me being a bed hog, kicking you in the middle of the night, waking you up when I turn over, stealing your pillow because it used to be MY pillow, stealing the covers, leghitch’ing you in the middle of the night, or pinning you against the mattress because I’ve decided to lay diagonally. You’re clearly never going to get a good nights sleep again, so you better start stocking up on those zzz’s now because you’ll miss them when you’re watching Magic Bullet infomercials at 4 AM because I’ve pushed you off the bed and on to the cold hardwood floor.

Or..I guess I could just wait till you show up, prove yourself worthy of a sleepover, and compromise. Actually, the more I think about it, the more restricted I become when sleeping in the same bed as someone else.  You may actually end up getting a good night sleep after all. Me…not so much, as I’ll be too terrified I’ll punch you in the face in my sleep if I move an inch.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Peace out Pseudo-Boyfriend

1 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a pseudo-boyfriend. Well, if you were one, you probably aren’t Future Hubby anyway.

Before or after the early bird special at Denny's?

You may not know exactly what a pseudo boyfriend is, but you’ve definitely seen one. They are the guy that acts and looks like they are dating a girl, but in actuality, they aren’t. They are doing everything to make it seem like they are a boyfriend, but when the topic comes up or someone ask if they are dating, the answer is of course no. Nevermind the fact that every single thing they do or say indicates otherwise. It’s confusing as all hell and definitely annoying for girls like me who are looking for Future Hubby. I’ve spent tons of time trying to figure out why the hell guys do this. It can range from commitment phobias to wanting to keep their options open to who the hell knows. I’ve also discovered that there are three different types of pseudo-boyfriends, all of which, you should avoid being.

The Emotional Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that you are dating mentally and emotionally. He’s the type of guys that just “gets” you. You call each other “babe” and “hun” while talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning. He calls you when he has tough life decisions to make and wants your opinion. Wait, you’re asking me if you should take a job out of town that will mean we don’t see each other for six months? Isn’t that more of a question for a real girlfriend and not someone you’re just a pseudo-boyfriend to? He invites you to parties as his “plus one,” he takes you out to dinner, you spend more time at each other houses than you do at your own. Plus the icing on the cake is when one of his friends, which you have just met five minutes earlier, asks you point blank “are you guys fucking?” and then proceeds to bring it up all night after witnesses your banter and boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. Everything about the relationship is screaming “we’re dating” except that he won’t just get it over with and kiss you.

The “Friends with Benefits/No Strings Attached” Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that calls you at 11 PM and wants you to come over. Yes, you’ve just been booty called. He’s the guy that calls you while walking home from the bar and instead of going to his place, comes over to your place. In public, he’s just another one of your guy friends that you can play flip cup with till the cows come home, but put you two alone in a room together and you’ve got yourselves a party. He has no idea what your allergic to or how you always sob at the end of Rudy, but when does that matter at all when it comes to a quick hook up?

The Double Threat

This is the guy that combines the best of both pseudo-boyfriend worlds. He’s the double threat, being both the emotional pseudo-bf with a dash of friends of benefits thrown in for fun. He’s the guy that not only knows everything about you, but is a damn good kisser as well. You guys plan your lives around each other. You pick out apartments across the hall from one another so you can be closer to each other. You coordinate your work/school/life schedules to coincide with one another as much as possible. You’ve watched the sun rise together because you’ve stayed up so late talking. You pick each other up from the airport, you spend holidays together, you’ve met each other parents. You even fight like you’re dating. If a fight in the Wendy’s parking lot followed by someone walking home because they are so mad doesn’t scream “we’re dating!” then what does? He writes you poems and leaves them on your voice mail. He gives you presents and flowers when he’s trying to make up for doing something stupid. He likes spending the night at your place more than he does at his own place. But at the end of the day, he leaves himself open for options. You guys can go periods of time (like all of junior year of college) while either of you goes off to date someone else, but you guys always come back to one another, except never with a “real” relationship to show for it. Just a “whenever it’s convenient” relationship. The only sweet vindication for this is when he comes to you two years later when he’s actually gone and made someone else officially his girlfriend and says “I really screwed up with us. I had my chance and I fucked it up.” Me – 1, Him – 0.

Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to deal with each and every one of these only to learn that regardless of how you act with them or how much you pray that they’ll be different, they are 99.9% never going to change and become an actual boyfriend. There is an underlying reason as to why they won’t just make it official, whether you ever figure it out or not.

If I ever see you slipping into any of the above a categories, you better as hell believe I’m speaking up. I should have spoken up when dealing with all of the above, but sometimes you have to make a mistake to keep learn not to make it in the future. All of the above just end up in someone getting hurt and what is the fun in that? Relationships, while hard, are supposed to be fun too. There is no fun in watching your pseudo-boyfriend go and flirt with another girl, even if you’re with a “friends with benefits” pseudo-bf. If you want to be considered Future Hubby material, you’re actually going to have to be my boyfriend first.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Don’t force me to use a “Fake Boyfriend Story”

17 May

Dear Future Hubby,

If for any reason, you meet me and I throw you a “fake boyfriend story” to begin with, you have permission to judge/mock me for it for the rest of my life.

Meet Adam, he's a magazine writer

What is a “fake boyfriend story,” you ask?  Well, it’s a gem of a tool we girls use when put into the horrible situation of being approach/pursued by someone we have absolutely no interest in.

I’m sure that if you are Future Hubby, the chances of me using a fake boyfriend story on you are slim. However, I’m just covering my basis and giving you a heads up that I am not beyond using one to avoid any and all awkward “I have no interest in you so please stop complimenting me on my sunglasses or doing favors for me” interactions.

Here’s the play by play…

Girl is approached by guy that she has absolutely no interest in.  This could also come in the form of said guy asking a friend to ask said girl if she’s single.  After a moment or two of contemplation on if we are truly interested, we formulate our answer. If we are interested, we, of course, are open to being pursued or tell the friend that yes, we are in fact single. Come on down Chuck Woolery, we’ve got ourselves a Love Connection.

If not, some of us actually say we aren’t interested.  Some of us, however, resort to the “fake boyfriend story.” We tell them that we are taken, fake disappointment that we can’t date them (gee, what a bummer), and move on with our lives. The “fake boyfriend story” only comes into play after this when the guy is persistent and starts asking about who has stolen our hearts away. Some guys just can’t accept no for an answer.  Insert imagination overload as we girls try to come up with the best (and most believable) “fake boyfriend story” we can come up with to show you that we are “taken.” This includes, but isn’t limited to the following:

  • The story
  • Flipping the Claddagh ring (Bad Irish karma right there)
  • Moving a ring to your left ring finger
  • Pulling out a camera to show photos of random hot guys we met at the bar and pretend that we not only remember their name but are in fact dating them
  • Drudging up actual stories of old boyfriends and pretending we are still dating them (Ugh, like I really want to relive past relationships)

Guy: Oh you have a boyfriend? What’s he like?

Girl: His name is Adam. We’ve been dating for about three years.  We met back when we were in college

Guy: Oh….nice.  And does he live here?

Girl: Yeah, we live together in Brentwood. It’s a great commute for him because he works in Santa Monica.

Guy: Wow…that sounds…great. What does he do?

Girl: He writes for a magazine.

Please don't force this to be me

Normally, as a single girl, I feel that busting out the fake boyfriend story, brings me bad karma, and maybe it does. Maybe I just need to grow a pair and be ok saying, “Hey, I’m not interested in you.” But I’m sorry, sometimes a girl just has to bust it out when a guy just doesn’t get the message.  Plus it’s also sometimes fun to see what crazy back story my imagination can produce.

Don’t worry though. Like I said, I doubt I would ever use a fake boyfriend story on you. I’m a firm believer in good vibes and if you’re Future Hubby, well, you’re definitely going to have a good vibe that won’t make me cringe and run away. You probably also don’t drive a forklift and are a fan of taking showers daily.

However, I’m just making you well aware that if you ever do get tossed a “fake boyfriend story” by some other (stupid) girl, don’t be upset.  Just move on and keep going because clearly, you haven’t met me yet.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Happy (Apartment) Hunting!

3 May

Dear Future Hubby,

Story of my life

So here’s the deal. When we start debating about moving in together, one of us needs own our dream home. Why? Because looking for an apartment slowly sucks the life out of you and I’d prefer to still be alive once we move in together.

For the past two weekends, I have been looking for a new apartment. As much as a heart the place I live now, it’s time to move on and find something new. Easier said than done. There are a lot of shitty places listed out there that sound amazing on craigslist, but when I actually go and see them…not so much.

I honestly can’t even count how many apartments I’ve seen in the past two weeks. All I know is that I’m beyond frustrated. This could all be remedied with being able to just buy a home, but sadly, that’s just as much as a long shot as Gaelic Gala is. By being able to have my own place, this could eliminate the following situations:

Being broke: Realizing that I cannot afford an apartment without living with someone else.
Creeptastic Landlords: Being shows apartments by uber creepy landlords who also want to show you THEIR apartment as well.
Gas Guzzling: Wasting tons of gas driving around Los Angeles looking for the “perfect” apartment.
Low Blood Sugar: Scheduling appointments back to back all day and forgetting to eat lunch. Me + low blood sugar = not a pretty picture.
No gym time: Having to look at so many apartments after work that I given up “me” time at the gym. I’ve been to the gym twice this week. Fail.
Packing/getting rid of shit: Plain and simple.
Driving a U-Haul: I suck at driving a U-Haul.
Movers: Not being able to afford them means you have to move yourself and that sucks the life out of you.
Searching: Constantly looking for “For Rent” sings, checking Craigslist, Westside Rentals, PadMapper, etc.

Insert Smurf or Harry Potter here

Don’t get me wrong, I’m totally down to have a roommate and I probably will have one until I am either making bank or we move into together, but looking for apartments with someone else adds a whole new complexity to searching for an apartment. You have to find a place that is great for both of you. A place that hopefully has two decent sized bedrooms and not one MASSIVE bedroom and then a bedroom that a Smurf could live in or small room under a staircase ala Harry Potter. A place with two bathrooms, two parking spaces and in a neighborhood you both like and hopefully doesn’t smell like smoke or rotting food. Not finding said apartment just adds to the frustration that living in a fridge box on the corner sounds like a doable option by the end of the day.

Pretty much perfection

So for the love of god, when we meet or are dating and considering moving in together, please have already purchased a kick ass home. It doesn’t need to be crazy fancy or uber big.  Just a nice, simple, and some place to call home. Like this would be perfect. This will eliminate driving around LA looking for an apartment and getting frustrated with each other. I’d prefer to not have apartment hunting to actually cause our breakup. Let’s at least wait till we move in together and find more annoying habits each other has and THEN use that as a catalyst for a breakup. It’s more entertaining to say we broke up because you have a horrible addiction to watching old episodes of Love Connection and I like to bust down and have 3 AM dance parties to ‘N SYNC.

Xo,
Your Future Wife.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 34 other followers