Tag Archives: okcupid

Constantly in communication

7 Nov

Dear Future Hubby,

In a relationship, it’s always nice to have good communication. It’s always nice to stay in touch, even if it’s just a daily text, email, phone call, message via carrier piegeon. What isn’t nice though is text, calls, emails. All day. Every day. Esepcially, if you haven’t even met me yet and we’ve haven’t even gone on our first date.

Don't be that guy

Welcome back to the land of the okcupid first date. Frist date land has been pretty uneventful as of late, until this past week, where I had the misfortune of agreeing to go on a date with Too Much Texting. As things generally do in okcupid first date land, our emails back and forth to one another started off well enough, especially since he brought up Brian Wilson in the first message. Word the wise, best way to get my attention in my quest to find Future Hubby? Mention my Dream Future Hubby in your first message to me. I will clearly give you a shot if you can carry on a conversation about Brian Wilson and his beard.

By last Wednesday, we had exchanged numbers, he had called and we had set up our first date. My first indication this was going to end badly was that he kept me on the phone for 20 minutes, during the work day, and then tried to keep me on the phone even longer with a “So can you keep talking?” Don’t you have a life? Sorry, I have a job and I kind of need to get back to it. Second issue. He wanted to go to UCB for our first date. Number one, I’ve never been a huge fan of improv. Number two, what happened to the hey, let’s grab a drink or coffee first date? I agreed to go anyway.

Cut to the next day, when at 10 AM, I get a general “have a good day, what do you have going on?” text from him. Not wanting to be rude, I texted back. This then turned into him texting me all day, about once every two minutes, about the most random shit. Then I stupidly at one point mentioned I was really good at movie and tv trivia, which prompted him to just continue texting me trivia questions. My personal favorite that made me go “I need to cancel this date/this guy is weirding me out/kill me now” moment: What was eating Gilbert Grape? Oh. My. God.

Meet me BEFORE you become a crazy texter

The texting continued even when I didn’t respond, along with phone calls, followed by more texting the next day. Was this guy aware that he hadn’t even met me yet? He could meet me and end up hating me. Was he aware that you’re supposed to play hard to get? It’s not just for girls, dude. By Friday night, I had cancelled. Well, I had come up with some excuse to get me out of it for the time being. Yeah, I know. Chicken shit move. If anyone asks, I’m in NC for work.

So FH, please keep this in mind when making first date plans with me. If you text me incessantly and ask me dumb trivia questions, I’m going to want to cancel. I’m going to make up some lame excuse as to why I can’t go out with you anymore. Do you really want to be the next Text Too Much? That’s right, I didn’t think so.

Not to say I don’t love the attention and a text or call every now and then, but at least wait until you’ve met me, decided you like me enough in person to WANT to call or text me, and then go from there. It’s a best way to ensure I don’t “have to go to North Carolina for work” or schedule another, normal “let’s grab a coffee” date in your place which, yes, I’ve already done.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Back off the booze

21 Sep

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a lush. I’m all for the consumption of alcohol in moderation, but If I wanted to date an alcoholic, I’d at least find one who was a famous celebrity or something so that way I at least have a chance to end up on Perez Hilton.

Just another Wednesday...

Lately I have found myself in a land I like to call “first date hell.”  I’ve taken it upon myself to kick my own ass into gear and start making shit happen. And when I say making shit happen, I mean finally agreeing to go out with some guys, be set up on blind dates (gasp, shock, horror) and confront my fears.  One thing that always seems to make any first date go a little easier is a drink and let me tell you, that’s the first thing I order if I’m out at dinner or a bar for that initial meeting.  Soothes the nerves and adds a little more confidence. However, I limit myself to one, maybe two drinks, at most.  This cannot be said for one of my most recent first date cohort.

 

A few weeks ago, I agreed to meet some guy I had been talking to on okcupid for a drink at Mandrake in Culver City. No, I’m not a hipster. It just happens to be close to my apartment. We had been emailing for a couple of weeks so clearly, going out was the next natural step.  He seemed cool enough, interesting enough, sarcastic enough (I have a standard when it comes to humor/sarcasm that my guys need to have), so the date should have gone well, right? Wrong.

 

After settling into the back patio with a drink (beer for me, whiskey on the rocks for him) we began to chat and it became apparent to me that we not only had nothing in common but he seemed like a high functioning alcoholic. In between finding out that he doesn’t watch TV (I am best friends with my tivo), likes heavy metal rock (I just vomited in my mouth), and doesn’t like sports (how can you not love Brian Wilson?), he proceeded to yammer on about what types of whiskey he likes, what his favorite bars are, how he had to move within walking distance of his favorite bar, how he impulse buys when he’s drunk (and buys weird shit like real samurai swords and a penguin suit), and how he knows all the bartenders at his favorite bar. Never mind the fact that while we talked about all this super duper fascinating alcohol talk, he downed three whiskeys on the rocks and I was struggling to keep up by drinking beer.

Not that kind of peguin suit...

While he did have a decent, steady job, I just couldn’t overlook the fact that this guy clearly had some issues. Apparently he didn’t realize he was on a date with a girl who is a total lightweight and doesn’t drink more than one to two drinks a week, unless there’s an event going on. Apparently he also didn’t realize that discussing how shitfaced you get on an almost daily basis is not what you should be talking about on a first date. Turn off.

 

So please keep this in mind for our first date. Don’t booze it up. Don’t get shitfaced. Don’t talk about getting shitfaced. Don’t tell me about how you had to disable one-click shopping on Amazon because you impulse buy when drunk. Don’t point out that you’re best friends with the bartender. I have my own life to handle. I don’t need to be dating someone who’s life revolves around when they are going to get to drink next. I don’t care how great of a job you may have. Or how funny you might be.

 

Oh yeah, and don’t tell me you don’t like baseball and that you’re going to go home and play video games after our date. Cause if the whole high function alcoholic thing wasn’t enough to turn me off, that certainly is the next best thing to say to ensure you will be promptly deleted from my phone.

 

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Becoming the back up plan

23 May

Dear Future Hubby,

What if you’re my Back Up Plan? No, I’m not talking about that stupid J.Lo movie (which yes, I may have actually watched this past weekend butitwasontvsoitsnotlikeipaidmoneyforit) but I’m talking about a relationship back up plan. You know, when you go through your teens, your twenties, you thirties, hell, you whole life, dating around, trying to find “The One,” when in the back of your mind there’s that guy who, let’s face it, if you don’t find anyone else, he’s definitely your go to guy.

The ONLY reason to see The Back Up Plan

Whether you think you’re going to end up with him despite all the lamespices you date, you’re just going to settle and choose him, or you two have already made a mutual decision to “marry at the age of ____ if no one better comes along,” we all that that one person that we could definitely see ourselves ending up with, regardless of any premeditated mutual deal or one sided decision.

In college I was way convinced that no matter how many fights we had, no matter the good times or the bad, at the end of the day I’d end up with Double Threat. I got over that after grad school when we finally stopped all non-drunk communication. It was a comforting idea though, that no matter how lame of a guy I may be dating in college, it was all going to be okay and it really didn’t matter because I was just going to end up with him.

Until now, I haven’t had another back up plan, unless you count all those drunken girl talks about how I was totally going to end up with my chosen celebrity crush of the moment. That was until a few months ago when JAA-Rule decided that based on my interaction/connection/past with My Favorite Mistake, he was my new back up plan. She was convinced that whether it is in the near future or even five years from now, he was going to wake up one day and realize that despite our issues from our college years, we were perfect together. I thought she was off her rocker until she then felt the need to share her opinion with one of our other friends (who knows MFM pretty well) and she just so happened to agree. I guess that we had been spending more time together lately, including parties, dinners, clam bakes, light switch raves, and random, unprovoked interactions that have absolutely know significance on the current situation and really only amounted to “shooting the shit.” I guess they might have a point. Maybe I’d make him a little more exciting; he’d make me a little less over the top. Then again…maybe not.

Please make sure you're wearing this when we meet

As nice as it is to have a back up plan, you know, in case all my plans to marry any hot celebrities fall through, I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the idea that MFM may in fact be a legit back up plan. I tend to be slightly oblivious to flirting and connections with guys, so maybe my friends see something I don’t. Or maybe I just can’t ever look him in the face without thinking (even if it’s just for a moment) of our past dramz. Either way, this new thought has led me back to saving people to my favorite’s list on okcupid in hopes that MFM isn’t really a back up plan.

Clearly, both this idea and MFM = back up plan are both doomed to fail given that oh yeah, I hate internet dating and oh yeah, I still cringe year later when thinking about all that past college relationship immature drama with MFM. So please just help me out and show up so I don’t have to think about actually having to have a back up plan. I’d greatly appreciate it.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Falling for a friend

3 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

Don’t freak out when I throw this idea out there, but…what if you’re one of my friends? Gasp. Shock. Horror. Oh my god. Okay. You doing alright there now. Blood pressure returning to normal? Okay, good. Now, I know I’ve touched on this before with my Psychic prediction post, but last night I had dinner with one of girl friend, Bama, and  we spent a good majority of the meal discussing boys or my lack there of and how at present  (oh dear god, yes I’m really admitting this) I might like someone, a new friend, within my group of extended group of friends. Insert facepalm moment. I actually wish I had just recorded our conversation at dinner and could transcribe it for this post because then I wouldn’t really have to write this at all. Our conversation was way funnier than this post could ever be. Believe me, this isn’t something I’m entirely thrilled about, as the thought of dating someone within my group of friends somewhat terrifies me. It has it’s benefits, but can come with some serious awkward turtle moments as well.

When you google images for "dating a friend" stuff like this comes up. Lame.

I prefer to date someone who is a friend, first and foremost, as if my utter hatred for okcupid and any online dating wasn’t enough to tip you off to this fact about me. I’ve been lucky that every relationship thus far in my life has stemmed from a friendships. Double Threat, I’m looking at you. But it always seems to be the best way to find someone who I know isn’t going to judge me. It allows me to date someone who I’m clearly already comfortable with, who I can talk to, who I can laugh with, who can understand my self-deprecation and sarcasm and vice versa. I like to know I’m getting into a relationship with someone who has seen me at my best, who has seen me through promotions, new jobs, growing up, becoming more mature, experiencing new life adventures, but who has also seen me at my worst. This includes, but is not limited to the following scenarios: being drunk, acting belligerent while being drunk, falling over, embarrassing myself in public, singing horrible songs at karaoke, seeing me with no makeup, sharing things I would never normally admit to someone I potentially wanted to have a relationship with,  crying, being far too emotional, etc.

Do you look this good in a trench coat?

Additionally,  if you are a friend, there are a lot of issues that need to be discussed be before we can even get into a relationship. First and foremost, if this doesn’t work out, we HAVE to remain friends. This is a nonstarter. If we are not mature enough to remain friends in the event that this doesn’t work, we should not date. I’m not going to force my entire group of friends to pick sides if we ever get in a huge fight and decide to break up. I personally love my group of friend and speaking from experience, losing them over a guy is not fun. At all. Trust me. Also, we’re not going to be one of those crazy PDA couples when hanging out with our friends. Why? Because I really don’t feel like making people vomit. I’m not that sick and twisted.

It’s the above issues that really make me think long and hard about liking someone within my group of friends, sometimes to the point where I really wish I didn’t. Cue major internal conflict. This is why I’ve been trying to do the whole online dating thing because heaven forbid you are in my group of friends and we start dating, all hell might break out if we don’t work out. This being said, don’t expect me to make some sort of grand gesture and let my feelings be known. I’m too worried about the potential bad ramifications of this. I’m not going to go all John Cusack on you and stand in front of your house with a boom box playing Peter Gabriel. However, if you feel you need to do that, go for it. I can totally jam along to In Your Eyes. In fact, that’s probably one of the songs you’ve seen me sing (horribly) at karaoke. so if you’re still standing there with the boom box after seeing that, maybe there is hope for this whole dating a friend thing after all.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Too good to be true

6 Jan

Dear Future Hubby,

Remember when I decided to take a break from online dating? Well, now that I’m back, giving it the old college try, I’m quickly being reminded why I took a break from it.

Why would Michael Owne be on a dating site? Oh wait...he's not.

When I finally decided to head back to the land of okcupid in December, I went right back into my usual online dating routine.  Add guys that seem interesting to my favorite’s list and wait and see if any of them responded. Apparently my profile picture is having some luck, as several did, but at the end of the day, none of my holiday coffee dates amounted to a love match. Bummer.

About a week and a half before the holiday, I stumbled across a profile for this guy who…well, seemed way too good to be true.  From his profile, he sounded amazing. Successful sports lawyer. Former athlete. Hobbies included attending sporting events and breeding horses. Sick of dating around. Ready to have a real relationship. Seriously, how could you not be intrigued by that? Plus, at least according to his photos, he was gorgeous. I did what I always do though and just added him to my favorites list, not really expecting to hear back cause let’s face it…even though I know I rock, I doubt I’d be anywhere near his league.

But I did hear from him though. The next day. And after a series of messages, I was more and more intrigued. He was Stanford educated so we bonded over the fact that we had both lived in Northern California, while I secretly jumped up and down over my luck of stumbling upon a Stanford educated lawyer who was hot. However, as our conversations went on and I felt them leading towards an eventual coffee date, things just weren’t adding up. Could I really be this lucky? How was this guy still single? A guy this gorgeous, with his shit so together? My skepticism was not helped my the fact that any time I looked at his photos, I felt like I was looking at a photo shoot or a guy who needed to be on an episode of The Bachelor.

Clearly if a guy uses this picture, he's a poser or a contestant on The Bachelor

JAA-Rule kept telling me that it was just finally my turn to have something good happen to me, but when Mr. Sports Lawyer starting mixing up his facts he had previously told me, I knew something was up. Thanks to this fab little celeb lookalike online tool, I was able to determine that not only was everything a sham, but dude had been using the photos of a redonkulously hot British soccer player, Michael Owen.

Well congrats Mr. (Fake) Sports Lawyer, you have reminded me why online dating creeps me out to begin with. You’ve really achieved the Creeper Award of the Year. I’m sure Chris Hansen will be around soon to chit chat with you.  Kudos on creating an intriguing profile and using photos of a guy that most normal Americans wouldn’t recognize. You actually had me believing you for about a week.  Sadly the only thing I gained out of this wasn’t a date, but instead another school girl crush on a celebrity. So really the congrats goes to you, Mr. Michael Owen of Manchester United. You and Tom Hiddleston can start a club on hot British celebs I have a crush on. Make sure you come up with some cool secret handshake.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Online dating officially on hold

12 Oct

Dear Future Hubby,

If you’re out there on OK Cupid or Plenty of Fish or any other dating site, I hate to inform you, I’m not going to meet you within the next month or so. Over the past week or so, I’ve felt like I’ve been throwing all my energy into this online dating thing as if I HAD to find a guy on there, as if that was the only way. It’s not the only way to meet a guy, though yes, in this digital age, it can only help. However, I felt like I’ve been forcing myself a little too much to try and make it work. To try and find someone, to try and date people from it. You know what? I suck at that. Well, maybe I don’t suck, but I definitely suck at having any sort of enthusiasm anymore for it.

 

Who would want to online date after seeing this creepy picture?

 

At the beginning of this whole online dating adventure, I was excited to try it. I legit was. But over the weeks and months that passed, my interest waned. I found it to be a chore more than something I actually looked forward to checking up on every night when I got here. So here I am, months later and I find myself saying ok to drinks with some guy that I really have absolutely zero interest in dating and I can’t remember the reason why I even added him to my favorites list in the first place. I spent one whole night last week feeling like I had been slacking at the whole online dating thing that I made it my mission to respond to every guy that had message me back in the past week, only to get a bunch of responses back and not give a shit about any of them. Note to self: this is not the way to find a hubby.

Sure, I’m 26. I’m certainly not getting any younger, but since when did I find the need to put so much pressure on myself to online, to find a boyfriend?

So welcome to No Online Dating month. From now until November 12, I am ridding myself of the world that has seeming sucked the fun out of dating for me. No more OK Cupid. No more Plenty of Fish. I need a break.  People always say when you forget about something, stop focusing on it, that’s what it gets dropped right into my lap. Maybe one month of no online dating will force me to, gasp, meet someone in the real world. At a bar. At a restaurant. At a god damn house party playing flip cup. All I know is, maybe if I focus my attention on other areas of my life, something might happen, or when I go back to online dating in a month, I’ll be rejuvenated, refreshed and ready to go through some more profile. It’s like I’m going to a really long excursion to Burke Williams. If only life was that sweet…

Don’t think this means you’re off the hook for the next month, Future Hubby. I’ll still have plenty of stuff to rant to you about. I just won’t be pulling inspiration from the computer screen in front of me. At least not for 30 days.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Head shot hell

10 Sep

Dear Future Hubby,

If you’re an actor, chances are I’m not going to give you much of a chance at all. Unless your name is Tom Hiddleston.

Awkward pose, party of one

One of the hazards of living in Los Angeles is the abundance of pretty people just trying to act. You can’t take two steps without running into an actor, unemployed or famous. Our restaurants and local Starbuck’s are crowded with waiters just trying to make ends meet so they can keep going on auditions and taking classes.  This isn’t to say that all actors are superficial. I’m not saying that all, but after years of experience with living with them, being around them, working with them, it’s hard to imagine dating one.

In case you haven’t already picked up on this, I’m a jeans and t-shirts girl. I wear Converse more than heels. I didn’t wash my hair today. I’m wearing my glasses right now. I’m not exactly someone who is super concerned with looks. So when I stumble across a really hot guy who’s just waiting for his big break, sure, he’s nice to look at, but that’s about it. My experience thus far with male actors is that they are far too concerned with looks and outward appearance, that I would look like a hobo next to them, if they even gave me the time of day.

Lately, I’ve been trying to still do the okcupid thing. I’ve been failing miserably, so I’m of course putting in minimal effort at this point. Minimal effort means just looking through profiles and saving people to my favorites list. When looking through them though, if someone’s first picture is CLEARLY a head shot, I don’t even both going any further. I don’t bother messaging them or saving them to my favorites list because let’s be honest. I’m secretly mocking the horrible posed shots and I’m not sure my Future Hubby is going to be on board with me mocking him. And if all of their pictures are head shots. Well, shit. Bust out the popcorn and prop you feet up for a night of laughter. In what world would any girl want to date a guy who’s only photos are staged awkward poses that scream “Hey, I’m an actor!”

Sure, this could all change. I could one day meet a normal, totally down to earth actor who is drop dead gorgeous, but I’m not holding my breath. I’m open to any possibility, but I’m not going to purposely seek out guys with head shots online or scour the local Cheesecake Factory for the next Brad Pitt in hopes that he’ll ignore that fact that I ordered the Four Cheese past and ask me out.

The exact moment I met Tom caught on camera

This entire letter is a completely moot point as well, if you happen to turn out to be one of the amazingly hot guys in my top five…or is that top 10….or 15. Whatever. We all have that list of guys that we’d date in a heartbeat, even if we already have a boyfriend. Dominic Cooper, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Chris Pine, Ryan Gosling. Plus, after this years Comic-Con, when I was introduced to Tom Hiddleston and he said “Have we met before?” I lost my shit. He thought we had met before! Clearly Tom knows we’re destined to be together.

So unless one of the okcupid head shot boys can top Tom Hiddleston’s profound introduction and show that they can be both a normal, down to earth guy and an actor, the chances of me dating an actor are slim to nil. Not that I’d be against it, I’m not not going to seek it out. It’d be like if I actually believed Tom and I were destined to be together. Deranged idea that’s just full of disappointment.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

The out-of-state date seeker

24 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Can you please live in the same state as me?

Yes, that would mean you need to be a resident of California. It’s a pretty big state. I’m sure you can find some place within this massive state to call home. Ideally, some place in Southern California would do, but I’m not opposed to Northern as well, seeing as a grew up there. But if you live in a completely different state, not even one that borders California, it’s going to become a bit of an issue.

If Current Crush and I were to date...

This is not to say I’m opposed to long distance dating. I’m not. Current crush lives 3,000 miles away and if he wanted to to do a long distance relationship, well shit, sign me up. But if you’re just meeting me on okcupid and you live in a different state, I can’t help but say “Um….are there seriously no other girls in your state that you can date? You know, ones that you can actually see in person in a regular basis?”

This past weekend I had zero plans which was absolutely blissful.  As I sat there on my couch on Sunday afternoon, watching the Harry Potter marathon on ABC Family (don’t judge) I received an email notification that I had an okcupid message.  I immediately started placing bets on if it was a creeper or an actual normal person. Turns out, it was a normal person. A really hot normal person. One problem. He lives in Illinois! His entire message was “You’re lovely. It’s too bad I don’t live in California.”

Excuse me for busting this out but…..WTF?!!?! Dear Sir, thanks for telling me I’m lovely. I’d like to thank the photos from Bowie Bride’s wedding for giving me brand new profile pics and for Julia Papworth for doing an awesome job on my hair and make up that day. But seriously, why would you message me if you lived in a different state? Wait, how exactly did you even find me if you live in a different state? Who has random search options  set for a state that’s 1,800 miles away?

So I know there's an ocean between us, but want to have dinner?

I immediately went to his profile to discover that he lists Beverly Hills as is home city. I became more confused by the second. Upon further reading, he explains in his profile that he doesn’t actually live in California, but in Moline, IL instead. Sad face for him. I’ve been to Moline. Beverly Hills is much better. He lists Beverly Hills as his city because he doesn’t want to be contacted by creepy girls from his area. If he’s interested in someone in the greater Moline area, he’ll seek them out and contact them. Okay, we’ve all gotten the creeper messages on okcupid. I get them on a daily basis. But I just delete them or choose to ignore them. Can’t this guy do the same?

I doubt I would be this annoyed by this out of state date seeker if he had been a creeper, but no. He had to go and be really hot. Thanks a heap.

So please, if you’re going to message me on okcupid and you are actually a normal person, please live in the same state as me. It’s taking a lot of determination to actually keep doing this whole online dating thing so help a girl out.  Don’t make me get my hopes up only to find out you live in Bumblefuck, IL.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Try and be a little taller, ok?

10 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Please, please, please be taller than me.

This will never be me

I know, I really shouldn’t be picky and I really shouldn’t base whether I date a guy on how tall he is but…it’s kind of a deal breaker for me. I don’t know what it is about a guy that is my height or shorter than me that freaks me out but I just can’t do it. I’m all about the guys that are tall, where I actually have to tilt my head up to look at them. That’s the ideal situation for me. I never thought the ideal situation would be one where I might potentially hurt my neck, but hey, it’s worth it.

I am by no means tall (5’6, maybe 5’7 if I’m not slouching) so it’s hard to be shorter than me. But when I find myself on a date with a guy who is not only really, REALLY overzealous and is about an inch shorter than me, I kind of want to run for the hills. True story. I went on a date with a former co-worker of one of my really good friends. I immediately had my guard up because I met him Friday night and he asked me out to dinner that next morning, and we went out the following day. I felt like he was trying to overcompensate for not being tall by being really overzealous. If there is one thing I can’t handled more than someone shorter than me, it’s someone that’s really overzealous about wanting to go out on a date with me. Needless to say, I didn’t go out with him again.

This isn’t to say I’m completely opposed to dating anyone shorter than 6 feet tall, but it’s just you know…a nice little cherry on top if I can find a guy that doesn’t make me feel like a giant. The current crush isn’t even that much taller than me, maybe and inch or so. Actually, I’m surprised I didn’t automatically write him off for being just a little bit taller than me. Congrats, current crush. You apparently have oodles of awesome traits that overshadow the fact that you’re not 6’2. Well done, you! Though I do think that at one point in his presence I said that being short is a deal breaker for me. Current crush, you are the exception to that, just FYI.

Sad face for you, Sarkozy

I wish I could just get past the whole “you have to be taller than me” thing, but I just can’t seem to break it. Even when perusing the profiles on okcupid, one of the first things I look at it height. Granted, I have been getting better at saving guys to my favorites list is they seem cool and are maybe only 5’8, so at least that’s progress.However, I doubt I’ll ever be comfortable getting to the point being okay saving someone to that list, let alone dating someone that is shorter than me. Call it a personal preference, call it me overlooking some great guys. I just can’t do it. I’ve tried. It’s not for me.

So FH, please start taking some growing pills or get that surgery Ethan Hawke gets in Gattaca, cause like I said, being shorter than me if a deal breaker. I know that is kind of bitchy, but hey, everyone has their personal preference. I guess this is just mine.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Dial the digits

5 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

Don’t ask for my number unless you’re actually planning on calling me.

Desperate much?

Why? Because it takes every ounce of trust in me to even give out my number in the first place. I’m totally that girl that is scared that by giving out her number, she is completely setting herself up for disappointment. What if he doesn’t call? What if he doesn’t text? What if he’s creepy and calls and then just breathes into the phone like a serial killer in an Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie? What if he accidentally butt dials me because my name starts with an A and he didn’t actually mean to call me at all? Fail. If you don’t want my number, don’t be polite and ask for it anyway. That’s a shit cop out move and I’m not a fan of it. Only ask for it if you have a reason. Like you need to borrow a dvd or you need to text me the address to a house party you heard about. Not if I’m going to collect dust amongst a sea of Mindy’s and Melissa’s in your phone. So why even ask for it if it’s just going to take up space in your address book?

What do guys do with all the numbers or any personal information they accumulate but never actually follow through and use? Use the numbers to start their own Sudoku game? See what the coolest number combination they can come up with are? Take the numbers to a psychic to see if our phone numbers make us compatible? Map out how far apart you two live and if it’s more that 2.4 miles, then you guys clearly can’t date?

Second date with Music Guy clearly never happened, which now looking back on, I think I wanted to like him more than I actually did like him. But he asked for my address because he was going to try and come to my house warming party. He didn’t. So why did he even ask for it?  Unless he’s mentally 7 years old and his idea of Friday night fun is a rousing game of Ding Dong Dutch or he’s going to throw a bag of dog poo against my door ala Can’t Buy Me Love, I don’t see the point in him wanting that info.

How much do I love that this is real?

Then out of the blue, Double Threat sends me a personal Facebook message saying he lost his phone and needs my number. Um, newsflash, unless you plan on spotting our English professor again randomly, I don’t see any world where you actually call me/text me.  We haven’t spoken in three years. I talk to my tailor more than a talk to you and I’m a jeans and converse girl. That should give you an idea of how often I actually have to go to the tailor. Don’t get my hopes up. You already did that once already in college and look where it got me.

So if you want my phone number, sure, fine. I promise I won’t give you the Rejection Hotline like I used to give out in college. I’ll actually give you my number as part of my goal to put myself out there and trust guys more. But please don’t make me regret it. Actually call me. I may not pick up. You may have to leave a message. But if you get past that step, you’ll definitely be worthy of a call back, just for trusting me enough to actually return the call.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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