Tag Archives: Proposal

Hold the humidity, please

3 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

If you are sweating like a pig when you propose to me, I might have a hard time saying yes. In order to make sure that this doesn’t happen, please, for the love of god, don’t choose to propose to me in a place where you feel your sweat glands may become overactive.

"Yes, I'll marry you. Now let me get you a towel."

Last night was the season finale of the Bachelorette.  No, I don’t normally watch it or The Bachelor, but somehow, after weeks of seeing Ali’s face plastered on US Weekly (and the sole fact that I had my fill of Shark Week for the day) I opted to watch the finale of the Bachelorette last night. Low moment of the week and it was only Monday night. Score one for me. For two hours, I watched ABC drag out what they of course billed as “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” As if I hadn’t heard that every other time I watched this show. Ali rocked it out in Tahiti with Chris and Roberto before finally breaking Chris’ heart the day before the final rose ceremony and sent him packing, thus leaving lone Roberto to make an honest woman out of her. Sad face for Chris though. He was cute.

Cut to the end of the two hours where I’ve been bouncing back and forth between actually paying attention/giving a shit and reading Eat, Pray, Love. Roberto bounds up the stairs to propose, though I’m pretty sure it was actually quite a nice little hike for him, and professes his love for Ali, proposes, etc. While the romantic in me should have been swooning like crazy, the only thing I could think was “Holy shit, Roberto is sweating like a mofo! Ew!!” His proposal was totally overshadowed by the fact that I could see sweating literally dripping down his face. Ew, ew, ew, ew. I’m sure Ali didn’t give a rat ass at that point, but it’s all I could focus on. I just couldn’t get over how much he was sweating and then it dawned on me. Dude had to fucking propose in Tahiti…wearing a full suit…after hiking up a mountain to meet his future bride. Hello, ABC, help a poor guy out! If you’re going to drag your final rose ceremony to a South Pacific nation, the least you can do is allow him to propose in a pair of board shorts.

Hey Roberto, how was the hike?

While I do not particularly endorse proposing in a pair of board shorts, there are other things that could be done to avoid mass amounts of perspiration while proposing.  Like not proposing in Tahiti or any other humid, hot climate area of the world. Like Disney World or anywhere in Florida. Number one, I don’t like Florida. Number two, I might barf over the cheese factor of proposing at Disney World.  Or in Chicago in the middle of August after sitting outside at a Cubs game all day. Also not an ideal scenario for a proposal as we will both be drenched. Or after you’ve run a marathon. Basically, any time you feel like you’re going to be sweating, I don’t want to see you pull out a ring. The only reason you should be sweating during a proposal is if you’re super nervous. Not because the humidity level is too high and I’m worried my hair my start to frizz.

I understand why they chose Tahiti cause it’s supposed to be all sorts of romantic and shit, but save that for the honeymoon when you’re already legally hitched and you’re kind of stuck with them for at least a week or two. I’m not saying you need to propose to me in Greenland or Alaska or the Artic circle or anything. In fact, I’d prefer somewhere in between the two extremes, but just don’t go overboard thinking “Oh this place will be so romantic to propose in” if you’re really going to be too busy worried that you’re sweating in your Armani suit and we need to have a friend standing close by with extra deodorant.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

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Beware of the drunken proposal

19 Apr

Dear Future Hubby,

Beware of the drunken proposal.

No, not from me, but from yourself. I say this with love as I have been witness to many drunken nights where things get said that clearly should not be getting said. Whether this means “I hate you, we’re so done!” to “I think I’m going to puke in your car” to “Your car is like a spaceship” to “Will you marry me?” to “I’m going to propose to you when we graduate.”

While the last two might be ok if the other party is as equally as drunk and neither will remember it in the morning, do not run around tossing those words wherever you want. Why? Cause it’s a douchebag move that will not doubt get you hated on for a while.

Also, don't be a moron and propose like this

Story time. In college, my former best friend/pseudo boyfriend (yeah, that’s his official title now) thought it would be amazing to tell me every time he was drunk that he was going to propose to me when we graduated.  At first I was like, shut up, you’re wasted and making me take care of you and all you want to do is watch Forensic Files. But after hearing it for oh, I don’t know, three months, a little more weight started to get thrown behind it. I guess I shouldn’t have been so gullible. Cut to two years later when we graduate and there’s no proposal. Just a sappy goodbye in a Wendy’s parking lot bonding over Frosties. Lame.

You don’t want this to be you. I do not want to be bonding over Frosties with you in a Wendy’s parking lot instead of engaged. So please remember to keep yourself in check when drinking for the following reasons:

  1. No girl wants to get proposed to and then thrown up on immediately after.
  2. I should not have to put you to bed, take your shoes off and make sure you don’t have alcohol poisoning after you pop the question.
  3. Proposals are supposed to stick. How can I expect your proposal to stick if you’re 99% not going to remember the next day.
  4. Proposals are supposed to be romantic.  Not a drunken afterthought that you came up with while stumbling home from the bar. Don’t get a “brilliant” idea and come running over to my place to propose while you’re burping from the amount of booze you drank.
  5. You should have enough balls to propose to me while sober. You shouldn’t need some liquid courage to do it. If you need booze to do it, you’re clearly not someone I want to spend the rest of my life with.

Every girlm dreams of how they are going to be proposed to. Just most of those dreams do not include guys that smell like alcohol and can’t stand on their own.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

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Will you…please not cause second hand embarrassment with your proposal?

1 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

So a few weeks ago, Gabby and I went and saw Valentine’s Day. We had been waiting FOREVER for this movie to come out because it just looked so damn cute PLUS Taylor Sqaured was in it and we love them even though they aren’t dating anymore. The movie, however, was kind of a disappointment, but it did get me to thinking about proposals and what constitutes, in my opinion, as a good proposal and a bad proposal. It is my opinion that a proposal should be memorable, romantic, a big gesture.  It should have character and not be at all stereotypical. Put some thought into it. This is a story that I’m are going to have to recount over and over again to all of my friends, co-workers, hairdressers, while proudly showing off a sparkly engagement ring. At least give me something so swoon worthy that everyone, no matter how much of a romantic skeptic they are, will go “Oh my god, that’s so romantic.” Sorry, you do not get an easy out for this just because you’re giving me a ring. Unlike some people, I am not easily distracted by shiny things.  So please keep in mind the below when thinking of how to propose because I swear, if you do any of the below, I may serious contemplate making you squirm an extra long time before actually saying yes.

Don't even think about it

  1. Do NOT propose to me in bed right when I wake up in the morning. I hate this proposal. I do not understand why guys do it. In Valentine’s Day Ashton Kutcher (my sometimes line buddy at Starbuck’s) proposed to Jessica Alba in the wee hours of Valentine’s Day. He slips the ring on her finger, wakes her up, and proposes.  Here is my problem with this.  It’s in your bedroom, a not always romantic place.  It’s early in the morning and I’m sorry but I do not look as bright-eyed and perfectly coifed as Jessica Alba when she wakes up. I would like to at least not have sleep in my eyes when you propose.  I will have morning breath and not want to kiss you after you propose.  And while this proposal is simple and to the point, it’s a little too simple for me. Get creative.
  2. Do NOT invite my family and friends and every person we’ve ever met to watch you propose or do it at some family function. I know that a lot of people like to do this and while I understand why it’s exciting to have your family watch you get engaged, I personally don’t want them all there. I want our engagement to be something just between us, something special. If you want to have a party right after you propose where they are all waiting, that’s totally cool, but the proposal should just be between us.
  3. Do NOT have some restaurant bake the ring into the cake or put it in some drink. Cheesy and I have heard horror stories of rings getting swallowed. I’d like to not choke on my own engagement ring. It would kind of ruin the moment.
  4. Do NOT take an engagement speech from literature, a movie, a play, etc.  I do not want to hear what someone else has written for someone else. I want to hear what you have to say and not what Edward Cullen said to Bella to get her to marry him. Oh god, just thinking about you doing this or anything like this makes me cringe and I hate cringing.

    Only acceptable if you are Ryan Miller

  5. Do NOT propose to me at a big sporting event via Jumbo-Tron. I do not want to be eating stadium nachos and wearing a baseball cap when you propose.  Nor do I want them to show me on the Jumbo-Tron while they wait for me to respond to you and everyone around us who we do not know staring at us.  It’s second hand embarrassment to the extreme. The only way this will be acceptable is if you are someone like Ryan Miller or Evan Lysacek and you’re playing during said game or competition that I am watching. Then it would romantic and acceptable because you have taken time out from your job that normally should occupy your every thought to propose to me.
  6. Do NOT hire a sky writer for the same reasons as number five .  Second hand embarrassment squared.
  7. DO make it personal. Add some character to it.  Please don’t say sappy romantic stuff that I’ve heard every other guy say or just say “Will you marry me?” I only want to hear that at the very end after you’ve said something really hilarious/sweet/witty/sarcastic/personal/raw and completely you. Don’t try and be anyone else but you when you propose. Clearly, if we’ve gotten to the point that you’re proposing, I love you for you and not just because you look Robert Pattinson or change my tire when I get a flat.

So add some flair to it. Get creative. Be personal. Be raw. Honestly, that’s one of the sexiest thing ever is when a guy can be completely raw with his emotions.  It should make me cry or at least a little misty. If I’m dating you, you obviously have a heart and soul. Put both of those to good use.

Love,

Your future wife

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