Dear Future Hubby,
If you are sweating like a pig when you propose to me, I might have a hard time saying yes. In order to make sure that this doesn’t happen, please, for the love of god, don’t choose to propose to me in a place where you feel your sweat glands may become overactive.
Last night was the season finale of the Bachelorette. No, I don’t normally watch it or The Bachelor, but somehow, after weeks of seeing Ali’s face plastered on US Weekly (and the sole fact that I had my fill of Shark Week for the day) I opted to watch the finale of the Bachelorette last night. Low moment of the week and it was only Monday night. Score one for me. For two hours, I watched ABC drag out what they of course billed as “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever.” As if I hadn’t heard that every other time I watched this show. Ali rocked it out in Tahiti with Chris and Roberto before finally breaking Chris’ heart the day before the final rose ceremony and sent him packing, thus leaving lone Roberto to make an honest woman out of her. Sad face for Chris though. He was cute.
Cut to the end of the two hours where I’ve been bouncing back and forth between actually paying attention/giving a shit and reading Eat, Pray, Love. Roberto bounds up the stairs to propose, though I’m pretty sure it was actually quite a nice little hike for him, and professes his love for Ali, proposes, etc. While the romantic in me should have been swooning like crazy, the only thing I could think was “Holy shit, Roberto is sweating like a mofo! Ew!!” His proposal was totally overshadowed by the fact that I could see sweating literally dripping down his face. Ew, ew, ew, ew. I’m sure Ali didn’t give a rat ass at that point, but it’s all I could focus on. I just couldn’t get over how much he was sweating and then it dawned on me. Dude had to fucking propose in Tahiti…wearing a full suit…after hiking up a mountain to meet his future bride. Hello, ABC, help a poor guy out! If you’re going to drag your final rose ceremony to a South Pacific nation, the least you can do is allow him to propose in a pair of board shorts.
While I do not particularly endorse proposing in a pair of board shorts, there are other things that could be done to avoid mass amounts of perspiration while proposing. Like not proposing in Tahiti or any other humid, hot climate area of the world. Like Disney World or anywhere in Florida. Number one, I don’t like Florida. Number two, I might barf over the cheese factor of proposing at Disney World. Or in Chicago in the middle of August after sitting outside at a Cubs game all day. Also not an ideal scenario for a proposal as we will both be drenched. Or after you’ve run a marathon. Basically, any time you feel like you’re going to be sweating, I don’t want to see you pull out a ring. The only reason you should be sweating during a proposal is if you’re super nervous. Not because the humidity level is too high and I’m worried my hair my start to frizz.
I understand why they chose Tahiti cause it’s supposed to be all sorts of romantic and shit, but save that for the honeymoon when you’re already legally hitched and you’re kind of stuck with them for at least a week or two. I’m not saying you need to propose to me in Greenland or Alaska or the Artic circle or anything. In fact, I’d prefer somewhere in between the two extremes, but just don’t go overboard thinking “Oh this place will be so romantic to propose in” if you’re really going to be too busy worried that you’re sweating in your Armani suit and we need to have a friend standing close by with extra deodorant.
Your Future Wife