Tag Archives: Pseudo-Boyfriend

Psychic predictions…or lack thereof

6 Dec

Dear Future Hubby,

When December rolls around, all the favorite television shows start to go on the holiday hiatus and I’m forced to watch ridiculously bad shows or DVD box sets until new episodes come on in January. When I say “bad shows” I don’t mean like What Not To Wear or RW/RR Challenges. No, no. I mean really bad. Like Giuliana and Bill. Yeah. That’s right. I admitted it. I recently got sucked into an episode of Giuliana and Bill and while I would like to bill the Style network and make them give me back one hour of my life, the episode actually made me think of you.

This is clearly the psychic I need to go to

Yes, I know that’s odd and sounds a little crazy, but hear me out. During the episode I was watching Giuliana have drinks with some girlfriends and of course they end up talking about guys.  Nothing out of the ordinary here, until one of her friends mentions that she had recently gone to a psychic who told her that she was going to end up with someone she already knew. My reaction? Shit. What if that happens to me?

Going to the psychic part would be cool, yes, and my friend Val and I have made it our goal to hopefully go to one after the New Year, but ending up with someone I already know? I immediately start going through my list of single guy friends and trying to figure out how much Future Hubby potential they actually have?

Double Threat : He still live all the way across the country. He still rarely talks to me unless he gets drunks and sees our freshman year English professor. I secretly have always hoped that one day he’d show up on my door step and say “I’m an idiot. I screwed up. I want to be with you” and then I’d go around the corner and do a little dance like Laura Linney does in Love, Actually when she’s about to bag Rodrigo Garcia.  However, recently DT even forgot my birthday: an event that no matter how long it’s been since we’ve communicated, he always called or texted on. FH Potential: 10%

J-Squared: He also still live all the way across the country (anyone else seeing a pattern here?) but I have to give the guy credit. He has that sixth sense about when I had just about forgotten him and popped back up. Well done, you. However, flirting is all it’s ever been and even though I did marry him in a random game of MASH that Val and I played on Saturday night (don’t judge) I don’t have bleached blond hair, a fake tan, and fake boobs, which is exactly his type based off of every picture I’ve ever seen of him with other girls. FH Potential: 15%

Premiere Pal: Currently dating someone else, currently still sending mixed signals, currently still incredibly dense. He’s quickly turning into another an emotional pseudo-boyfriend, which sorry, the role has already been filled in my life, so thanks for playing. However, the currently sending mixed signals gives me a minor glimmer of hope that one day, he might change his mind. FH Potential: 30%

Emotional Psuedo-Boyfriend: Been dating someone else for almost a year and we’re too the point now that he annoys me half the time. We’d probably kill each other within the first 10 minutes. FH Potential: 3%

My Favorite Mistake: A really, really “poor life choice” from my college years who has oddly enough turned into a pretty decent friend. Out of all the above, he’s probably 3rd in the Friend competition and that’s only behind Premiere Pal and EPB.  Sad thing is, said poor life choice has put me in the position that I would never ever admit it IF I started to like him again and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. FH Potential: 11%

I'm sad for myself that I watched this

Clearly, if I walk into the psychic and hear what the girl on G&B heard, I’d probably laugh in her face. Out of the above, the highest percentage anyone got was 30% and if someone is going to be FH, we’re going to need to get above the 50% mark. However, there could be some truth to it, especially since I’d ideally like to date someone who I’ve been friends with first. Damn you G&B for making me A: seriously debate about going to a psychic and B: planting a seed of doubt in my head about every single guy friend I have.

If you are somebody I already know, well, at least you probably aren’t shocked by my admitting to watching Giuliana and Bill. You most likely already know that and if we’re still friends even after that, you just earned even more brownie points.  There might just be hope for you yet.

Xo,
Your Future Wife

Out of the blue outreach, Double Threat style

7 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

If we ever break up for an amount of time and then stop talking for years (yes, years), don’t expect me to just be jumping for joy/wanting to make out with you if you reach out to me out of the blue. I will probably be in shock, speechless, confused, and honestly probably a little angry. Please note that none of these emotions are ones that I like to experience on a daily basis, let alone all at the same time. But come Friday evening, there I was, fresh out of the shower and ready to start my night when my see that I have a text message. Thinking it’s from KHiggers telling me she’s run into her crush at a bar or one of my friends here in LA confirming plans for Saturday, I took a look. Oh no. It was neither of the above.  It was the Double Threat.

What up, Double Threat?

Yes, you read that right. The Double Threat. Back from the (almost) dead and blowing up my phone on a Friday night. I felt like I was back in college about to get some drunk “I’m at McGee’s and I don’t want to walk home, can you come pick me up?”

I preface the rest of this letter with the fact that I know it sounds angry. I don’t normally like to be an angry person, but this brought up a lot of anger.  Please try your best not to make me this angry or pull this shit on me. I type really hard on the keyboard when I’m angry and am afraid I will break it. I don’t have the money to buy a new keyboard, so spare me the $25 bucks or whatever.

Apparently the universe must have heard me mention him last week and thought it would be fun to play a cruel trick of the emotion type on me.  Really?  He decides to make an appearance right around the time where I’m basically over him, don’t give a shit anymore, and had put my “last attempt to maintain a friendship” letter out there over EIGHT months ago. I honestly didn’t know what to make of the random reach out.  While part of me was just a tiny bit excited to hear from him (I’m a romantic at heart, give me a break), it took a lot of will power not to angrily yell at him over text as to why he had so much trouble maintain a friendship over the past three years.  I did my best to bury that anger (though that always seems to come to the forefront of my mind when he makes an appearance) and just have a normal conversation with him. I’m too much of a pushover to ignore the text completely.


Double Threat: I saw Eric fucking P. today! (side note: Eric P. was our English professor Freshman year. We met in his class)
Me: Holy shit, are you kidding me?!?! Is his hair still crazy and was he wearing an oversized suit?
Double Threat: Steel coffee mug in hand, same suit, looked at me like three times.
Me: He was probably like “I think I talked with that kid on a bench one time. Oh wait, I always talk to kids on benches.” Where did you see him?
Double Threat: Fullerton and Clark. What the hell is wrong with this guy? Same glasses, too.
Me: He’s stuck in 2001. We all grew up, he’s holding on to the memories of teaching class on the McGraw lawn when the power was out. That’s so crazy that you saw him, though really, it’s kind of hard to miss him.
Double Threat: Brought back so many memories….I miss you. (Really?!?!? You had to go there?!?!)
Me: I miss you too. A lot. We should talk more. Did you hear that John Wooden passed away tonight? I thought of you when I heard. So sad. (Yeah, I’m clearly a pushover)
Double Threat: Too consumed on these blackhawks. Are we facebook friends?
Me: We’ve been facebook friends since my senior year.
Double Threat: Blackhawks? I’m fucking crazy about them.
Me: Yeah, well aware. I kinda figured that out when you went to a game freshman year and I stayed home to write our paper.
Double Threat: I was just talking to my brother about that…Didn’t I get a better grade than you?
Me: Haha, yes and I was very bitter. Luckily I majored in film and not…whatever subject that paper was on. Can we talk some time? Like really talk?
Double Threat: Sure.
Me: You’ll actually answer the phone if I call you?
Double Threat: Well, not tonight.
Me: Ha, well I wasn’t planning on calling you tonight. I meant in general, like if I called later this weekend.
Double Threat: Beers (Typical DT answer, ugh. 100% avoiding the actual question and topic of conversation. Why did I expect anything different?)
Me: Ha well guess that’s my answer. Enjoy your beer and Blackhawks.
Double Threat: :-)

Needless to say, my Friday night was kind of a bust after this. I wanted to sit there and reenact “Really?!?! with Seth & Amy” from SNL because only that’s all I could say. Really?!?!? Really?!?!?! Excuse me while I got walk around speechless for a minute and come back and yell “Really?!?!” I called KHiggers (who was drunk at a bar, so proud of that, btw) to tell her and even her reaction was “Really?!?!” Two days later, I’m still in “Really?!?” mode. I’m not sure if I’m actually going to try and reach out to him. If he doesn’t pick up, nothing has changed. If he does, it’s opening up a whole other can of worms that I had previously buried. I’m not sure if it will be entirely productive if we actually do talk. I’m not sure what exactly I’m looking for out of an actual conversation with him. I already got the “I messed up with us/I screwed up” I had been waiting for years ago.

Whoops, my bad.

It’s been three years. I’ve moved on. I’ve learned to live my life without him. If you had asked me four years ago if I could imagine not having him in my life, I would have said no. Now, I can absolutely say yes. It just becomes harder to say yes, when despite my ability to live on my own, without him, that little part of me would still like him around. Anger aside, I’d like my best friend back, please.

Moral of the (fucked up) story. If we ever break up and you decide to cut me out of your life, actually follow through with it. Don’t come back three years later acting like nothing has happened. Either come back, say your sorry, say you fucked up, and have a ring with you, or just let me live my life in (relative) peace. Clearly, I should have just grown a backbone and ignored the text.

This angry (not towards you, FH) letter has been brought to you by the letter U, G, and H.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Peace out Pseudo-Boyfriend

1 Jun

Dear Future Hubby,

Please don’t be a pseudo-boyfriend. Well, if you were one, you probably aren’t Future Hubby anyway.

Before or after the early bird special at Denny's?

You may not know exactly what a pseudo boyfriend is, but you’ve definitely seen one. They are the guy that acts and looks like they are dating a girl, but in actuality, they aren’t. They are doing everything to make it seem like they are a boyfriend, but when the topic comes up or someone ask if they are dating, the answer is of course no. Nevermind the fact that every single thing they do or say indicates otherwise. It’s confusing as all hell and definitely annoying for girls like me who are looking for Future Hubby. I’ve spent tons of time trying to figure out why the hell guys do this. It can range from commitment phobias to wanting to keep their options open to who the hell knows. I’ve also discovered that there are three different types of pseudo-boyfriends, all of which, you should avoid being.

The Emotional Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that you are dating mentally and emotionally. He’s the type of guys that just “gets” you. You call each other “babe” and “hun” while talking on the phone till the wee hours of the morning. He calls you when he has tough life decisions to make and wants your opinion. Wait, you’re asking me if you should take a job out of town that will mean we don’t see each other for six months? Isn’t that more of a question for a real girlfriend and not someone you’re just a pseudo-boyfriend to? He invites you to parties as his “plus one,” he takes you out to dinner, you spend more time at each other houses than you do at your own. Plus the icing on the cake is when one of his friends, which you have just met five minutes earlier, asks you point blank “are you guys fucking?” and then proceeds to bring it up all night after witnesses your banter and boyfriend/girlfriend interactions. Everything about the relationship is screaming “we’re dating” except that he won’t just get it over with and kiss you.

The “Friends with Benefits/No Strings Attached” Pseudo-Boyfriend

This is the guy that calls you at 11 PM and wants you to come over. Yes, you’ve just been booty called. He’s the guy that calls you while walking home from the bar and instead of going to his place, comes over to your place. In public, he’s just another one of your guy friends that you can play flip cup with till the cows come home, but put you two alone in a room together and you’ve got yourselves a party. He has no idea what your allergic to or how you always sob at the end of Rudy, but when does that matter at all when it comes to a quick hook up?

The Double Threat

This is the guy that combines the best of both pseudo-boyfriend worlds. He’s the double threat, being both the emotional pseudo-bf with a dash of friends of benefits thrown in for fun. He’s the guy that not only knows everything about you, but is a damn good kisser as well. You guys plan your lives around each other. You pick out apartments across the hall from one another so you can be closer to each other. You coordinate your work/school/life schedules to coincide with one another as much as possible. You’ve watched the sun rise together because you’ve stayed up so late talking. You pick each other up from the airport, you spend holidays together, you’ve met each other parents. You even fight like you’re dating. If a fight in the Wendy’s parking lot followed by someone walking home because they are so mad doesn’t scream “we’re dating!” then what does? He writes you poems and leaves them on your voice mail. He gives you presents and flowers when he’s trying to make up for doing something stupid. He likes spending the night at your place more than he does at his own place. But at the end of the day, he leaves himself open for options. You guys can go periods of time (like all of junior year of college) while either of you goes off to date someone else, but you guys always come back to one another, except never with a “real” relationship to show for it. Just a “whenever it’s convenient” relationship. The only sweet vindication for this is when he comes to you two years later when he’s actually gone and made someone else officially his girlfriend and says “I really screwed up with us. I had my chance and I fucked it up.” Me – 1, Him – 0.

Unfortunately, I’ve been forced to deal with each and every one of these only to learn that regardless of how you act with them or how much you pray that they’ll be different, they are 99.9% never going to change and become an actual boyfriend. There is an underlying reason as to why they won’t just make it official, whether you ever figure it out or not.

If I ever see you slipping into any of the above a categories, you better as hell believe I’m speaking up. I should have spoken up when dealing with all of the above, but sometimes you have to make a mistake to keep learn not to make it in the future. All of the above just end up in someone getting hurt and what is the fun in that? Relationships, while hard, are supposed to be fun too. There is no fun in watching your pseudo-boyfriend go and flirt with another girl, even if you’re with a “friends with benefits” pseudo-bf. If you want to be considered Future Hubby material, you’re actually going to have to be my boyfriend first.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 34 other followers