Tag Archives: Singledom

Creating a breakup contingency plan

28 Feb

Dear Future Hubby,

If we are to ever break up, we need to make sure there is a contingency plan put into place to determine who gets what. I’m not talking about who gets the china vs. who gets the dog, because let’s get real. I get both. I’m talking about a who gets what in terms of places in town, a sort of Luke vs Lorelai/pink vs. blue ribbon situation. Despite being a fan of some serious awkward turtle moments, I’ve never been a fan of confrontation.  It makes me feel like a West Side Story rumble should be brewing complete with dance moves and snapping. So rather than determine who is going to be the Jets and who is going to be the Sharks, we better divvy up all the stomping grounds because in reality, those are more important than that china.

Let's avoid passing out ribbons

A few weeks ago, I went out to drinks at Bigfoot West with a friend after work (mmm Marshmallow drink) and while I was sitting there, I spotted someone across the bar that looked familiar.  I couldn’t put my finger on it exactly. Was he some actor for a TV show? Was he a friend of a friend? Was he a crew member from one of the films I had worked on? After about 10 minutes or trying to figure it out, and having my friend scouring imdb, it came to me. It was that high functioning alcoholic I had gone out with at Mandrake last fall.

Of course he would be at a bar! He was a high function alcoholic after all.  And yes, this was also the same guy I ran into while have brunch on my birthday in November. At Overland Cafe. Where they serve bottomless mimosas. Yeah. I know you’re not shocked. As if that brunch hadn’t been awkward enough, it was just my luck that he spotted me across the bar. Despite whatever amount of alcohol he had had on what was clearly another first date for him, the look on his face said he recognized me. Serious facepalm moment. Luckily, we had been there for a few drinks and were wrapping up, so the “trying to avoid looking at each other” scenario didn’t have to play out for too long. I’m not going to be putting up with that shit if we ever break up because let’s be honest.  If seeing a guy I went on one date with was that awkward, I can only imagine what it would be if we’ve been seeing each other a while. So here’s the breakdown.

You can totally have the east side and downtown.  Sure, there are some great places over there, but I’m not enough of a hipster to stake my claim on any place

Our breakup will not deprive me of this awesomness

east of Vine. However, I do call dibs on Dodger Stadium even though I loathe the Dodgers. But when The Giants come to town, our breakup will not deprive me of seeing Brian Wilson in really, really tight pants.  I would like Culver City, Beverly Hills, and Century City too because you know my love for Cardio Barre, Nick’s, Overland Cafe, Bigfoot West, AMC and Landmark theaters, the good 24 Hour Fitness, and singing karaoke at Boardwalk 11. I’ll take the Baldwin Hills stairs and you can have Runyon. I’m less likely to fall and kill myself at Baldwin Hill. In terms of Santa Monica, I’m ok with splitting it because I don’t want to completely deprive you of the beach, so you can take North of Pico and I’ll take south of Pico. Sure, this means you don’t get to enjoy the great bars on Main but you get the 3rd Street Promenade and that three story Forever 21. I can’t believe I’m giving that up.

You can have most of West Hollywood except the Sushi Dan on Sunset and Cedars. Sorry. Find a new hospital because I don’t want to run into you while I’m going in to have blood drawn. I will give you the Arclight Hollywood and The Grove (until TopShop opens). Sure, I will miss all my random Jason Schwartzman sightings, but I can’t NOT give you a movie theater with reserved seating. I’m not that mean. In terms of other states and countries, well, we’ll need to discuss that on a case-by-case basis, but it’s safe to assume I get all of Northern California. Deal with it.

I know this may sound a little drastic, but you don’t want to be that guy at the bar who awkwardly sees his ex-girlfriend across the bar while he’s on a first date. Nor do I want to be that girl. As much as I love the Awkward Turtle (and the awesome hand motion that goes with it) sometimes it’s just better to pretend someone doesn’t exists anymore as opposed to running into them while you’re buying a bottle of red wine and chocolate ice cream at 9 PM on a Friday night and are clearly going home to hang out with your DVR.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Well, color me Claddagh!

17 Mar

Dear Future Hubby,

Well Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Future Hubby! Oh, you didn’t know it was St. Patrick’s Day? Oh. Well, then I’m not sure we can be together. Oh you did know? But only because this day gives you an excuse to drink heavily during the work week? Ok, you’re back in my good graces. In case you didn’t know, I’m Irish (and also Italian, but there really isn’t a major holiday dedicate to any Italian saints that let you drink heavily and eat tons of pasta). I love any and all things Irish, as if this wan’t already evident by my extremely detailed description of Gaelic Gala. Irish music, Irish booze, Irish food, Irish movies, the whole freaking country of Ireland. I love it all, including Irish traditions.

Check out that Irish bling

But just because I love Irish tradtions, do not mistake this for me being married.

Yeah. That’s right. Being married. A while back one of my co-workers was like “Are you married?” Dude. You’ve known me for a year. Have I ever once mentioned a husband? No. I haven’t.  But then he cited that I was wearing a ring which of course prompted me to launch into a whole story about the Claddagh ring, it’s history, and it’s meaning when worn certain ways, even though I was apparently wearing my ring totally wrong.

I admitted it. I was wrong. Me, who loves any and all things Irish was wrong about the symbolism of wearing the Claddagh ring a certain way. For those of you who don’t know, the Claddagh ring is a traditional Irish ring of love, sometimes worn as a wedding ring. I have owned and worn a claddagh since my freshman year of college and have always been under the impression that it is always worn on the left ring finger, regardless of status. Depending upon whether you were taken or single, it was worn a different way. I thought if you were single, you wore it with the crown facing your heart and if you were taken, you wore it with the crown outward. Please note that after researching the ring in depth for this post, I realized I’m not exactly the best Irish person as everything I’ve read tells me that I’m wrong.  Plus for a few years I was actually wearing my old Claddagh ring on my left hand middle finger because it was too big for my ring finger. Irish fail in the biggest sense. Oh well. At least today I’m wearing a green shirt, gold Converses and listened to Gaelic Storm while driving to work. I hope that earns me back some Irish points.

Even though there are apparently several different variations and perhaps the way I have been wearing it is out there somewhere, the one that I’ve come across the most is the following:

Success. Ring is finally on the correct hand and finger. Please note my festive green nail polish.

Left hand, ring finger: Married or engaged or committed to another person for life

Right hand, ring finger with heart pointing toward the finger tip: Single and ready to mingle

Right hand, ring finger with the ring turned around: Romantically involved but have yet to take the plunge

So, now that we have that all straightened out, please be well aware that I will no longer be giving off a visual sign via my ring that I am married or engaged. I am now wearing it on the correct finger in the correct way. I only wish I had thought about looking this up earlier as who knows how many guys have looked at me, seen my ring, and thought I was taken. As if I couldn’t worsen my karma in the love department anymore, I apparently have. Out of all the shit I randomly wikipedia, I couldn’t have one day thought to wikipedia that? Nope. I’m too busy wearing the ring on the wrong finger and potentially scaring away guys. Unless you’re one of those guys that didn’t know it was St. Patrick’s Day. In which case, please wear a sign stating you are oblivious to the holiday and I will gladly switch my ring to the wrong finger so you don’t get any ideas about you and me. Knowing St. Patrick’s Day is about as important as knowing my birthday.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

Single and (not) ready to mingle

19 Aug

Dear Future Hubby,

I sure hope you like to mingle. And hold my purse and fetch me glasses of wine.

Those cats really bring out your eyes, sir.

When single, nothing is more annoying than going to an event stag and realizing in the middle of the evening that you have no one to hold your bag when you need to use the little girls room or you want to grab an appetizer.  On Monday evening, I went to the premiere/after party for The Switch, the last full film I worked on at my old job.The whole night was filled with lots of seeing people I haven’t seen in a while, mingling, answering “So do you love your new job?” over and over again, and finally seeing the finished film. It was a blast.  Plus I had somehow managed to wear my most comfortable heels which meant after standing at the after party for an hour, I wasn’t about to keel over and die. Clearly, this in and of itself was a success.

However, after a while of toting around my purse while trying to shake hands, hold a wine glass and manage to grab something to eat, I realized that this is where you would come in lots of handy.  If you weren’t so busy taking your time finding me, I could have totally pawned my bag off on you while I stuff pigs in a blanket in my mouth like no ones business. Or when I needed to put my hair up because it was stifling hot? Yeah, that would have been the ideal time for you to hold my bag too. At some point in the evening, I needed a refill on my wine and while going up front to the bar did provide a little relief from the congestion and heat down in the main lounge area, I’m pretty sure I stepped on someones toes and got elbowed in the ribs trying to get up there. Had you been around, I could have sent you to get the wine, not that I would want to inflict any toe stomping or rib elbowing upon you ever. But it’s the gesture that counts. Way to take one for the team.

Sad face for you, Liam.

It’s at those moments that it becomes blatantly apparent how handy having someone else with me would be. Sure, you can always hand off your purse to a friend or someone you’re talking to, but there is something romantic about knowing that you have someone by your side that isn’t going to run off with your purse and steal your identity if you as them to hold your purse. Or having someone there who won’t slip anything into your wine one their way back from the bar. All excellent selling points.

So if you wouldn’t mind, please start lifting some weights so you prepared for my massive purse and copious amounts of wine I drink. I promise I’ll try and make sure any purse I bring to an events matches not only my outfit, but yours as well.

Xo,

Your Future Wife

PS: Shameless plug, but please go see The Switch this weekend! It’s fantastic and I’m so proud to have worked on it.

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